Husband has changed

[Somewhereovertherainbow85]

I’ll start by saying we’re not married, I just refer to him as my husband.

Long story short, happiest relationship ever until I had our first child. I suffered pnd, didn’t feel he pulled his weight etc so the arguments began & never really stopped. We don’t seem to agree on anything! Fast forward 4 years, I’m pregnant again, we’ve bickered constantly throughout the pregnancy & then a few months ago it’s like a switch has been flicked & he’s become someone I don’t know.

Always been very chilled out, now snappy & angry. Overreacts to everything, whenever I question it he tells me it’s my fault & ive “sent him” like it because I’ve been a bitch for years! (Throws my mental health battle at me)

He doted on me during my first pregnancy & this one I feel like he barely acknowledges I’m pregnant. Wouldn’t let me lift a finger last time but this time I’ve rearranged the whole house almost singlehandedly.

I’m just feeling so hurt & am due any day now & don’t feel this is the best environment for a new baby. I think we’ve grown apart. Whatever the reasons, it just feels too late to fix as we’ve “tried” so many times & within a day or 2 we’re back at square 1. He’s said some hurtful things tonight that make me feel there can’t ever be a way back now.

I just feel so lost & so trapped! I have no family & nowhere to go, no job, no money of my own. He refuses to leave for the kids sake, but this isn’t the life I want for my kids. I just can’t stop crying that things have got this bad & at this time. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[MikeUniformMike]

Oh dear, as if you didn't have enough with the baby being due.
Do you own your house or do you rent it?
Whose name is on the mortgage or tenancy?

Is he violent or is he just verbally abusive?

[Somewhereovertherainbow85]

He owns our home, my name isn’t on it.

He’s never violent, he’s not normally even nasty with his words, this is a new thing.

I feel like he really believes this is all me that’s done this to him. There’s no accountability for his behaviour. We just butt heads & cant discuss anything without it turning into a row.

[Dollyrocket]

Why isn’t your name on the house?

[Somewhereovertherainbow85]

I’d just had our first child when we got it & we couldn’t get a mortgage for as much due to me not working. It wasn’t an issue & he’d never put me out of the house or anything like that.

It seems he’d rather stay together miserably for our kids sake. I don’t want to live like that.

[category12]

Oh dear, not being married means you're up shit creek.

Speak to Shelter about your housing options if you were to leave with your dc.

[Rightbutno]

If things are so bad why did yiu try for a second child or was it unplanned? I don't meant to be goady. Just wondering if there was any hope recenty from either side?

It does not sound great and perhaps the relationship is just done? He doents sound very caring or respectful to you.

Tbh things are hard enough with lockdown and your pregnancy. So now might not be the time to make any big changes. So you could try to hang on until the baby born and we return to anything like normal. However I'd be concerned at how this might chip away at your mental health with a newborn. Do you have family you could live with for a bit?

[Treacletoots]

It's complete bollocks about the mortgage OP. He obviously earned enough on his own, so adding you on simply ensured you had some security living in a home that you , presumably, contribute to.

Tell him you want to be added to the mortgage. His reaction will give you what you need to know.

[Somewhereovertherainbow85]

No Treacleboots, we saw our mortgage advisor with the intention of us both being on it. She advised that due to his income he’d be more “stable” on his own as I was a SAHM. She said I can be added any time & he’s mentioned it several times since, it’s me that hasn’t been bothered tbh. I feel like I’ve painted a terrible picture here. It’s recently he’s changed, he hasn’t been an arsehole the entire time!

Rightbutno, we wanted a sibling for our other child. Bickering aside we weren’t a terribly unhappy couple until recently. This is the problem. Yes, our relationship changed after having our child (probably mostly due to my mental health) & the dynamics changed, but I didn’t feel as deeply lonely & cut off from him as I do now.

I don’t know what’s changed within him. It’s like all his patience & understanding & everything has gone!

[Babdoc]

OP, it sounds as though he has checked out of the relationship and is just staying for the kids.
However, it might be worth having couples counselling with a mediator, so you can each actually communicate your frustrations and feelings to each other without it degenerating into a row. There may be unresolved issues from his reaction to your previous mental health problems - he may fear a repeat of the PND, who knows.
But before giving up on the relationship, a chance to discuss things calmly and honestly with a neutral third party would at the very least help to make a more amicable split, and might even help you both to rekindle the affection you obviously felt at the start.

[category12]

You really need to be bothered. You're incredibly vulnerable as an unmarried sahm..

You seem confident he won't make you leave, but if he's changing towards you, you don't know where that will end up.

Long term you need to get yourself in a position to be independent if you have to.

[madcatladyforever]

Did he actually want children?

I don't want to be unsympathetic but mental health problems can be incredibly wearing for a partner.

My mother suffered from severe mental health problems for the 16 years I was at home, it affected the entire family, everyone constantly had to dance to her tune or she would have a meltdown. There would be meltdowns if she wasn't the centre of attention 24/7. I left home at 16 because I just could not take any more. i would say it destroyed our family and she'd never have any proper treatment, never take medication because long list of excuses

I have to say it destroyed everybody in the family and all of our interpersonal relationships and I'm sorry to say I live hundreds of miles away now because I want a life that does not revolve around someone elses mental health problems.

Have you had active treatment to sort these problems out and start living a normal life? Have you discussed it in any depth?

Children are exhausting enough anyway, once you start throwing other problems into the mix a relationship can go downhill pretty quickly.

[Mum45678]

You need to talk to your DP asap about how you feel. Arrange counselling. Ask to be put onto the mortgage pronto.

I was a SAHM and my STBXH checked out of our marriage. He became angry and at times quite unpleasant towards me and our 2 DDs. He was having an affair. Thank god we were married is all I can say.

Get your ducks in a row just in case.

[Somewhereovertherainbow85]

Madcatladyforever I’m sorry your mum had such problems. My issues stem from losing a parent & the grief combined with pnd just spiralled. My problems are more a case of me being stressed about things my partner considers insignificant, we have different priorities, my depression also makes it hard for me to socialise as much as he’d like me to. The last thing I’d want is to be centre of attention, I’d rather be invisible!

He wouldn’t kick me out of the house because a family unit is very important to him. His parents split when he was little & he’d vowed to never do that to his kids. Hence me saying originally he’d rather us live as an unhappy couple, playing happy families for the sake of the children.

He did want children yes, possibly even more than me! He loves being a dad.

[category12]

he’d rather us live as an unhappy couple, playing happy families for the sake of the children.

Up until the point his head gets turned by another woman, and all bets are off.

You need to stop relying on his good will and get some actual security.