Husband debts

[Raver84]

I've just found out my husband has run up 4k or even more debt. This has happened so many time in our marriage of 15 years. The last time it was 10k and we very nearly separated.
He never has any reason for the debt, he says there is no one else and there is no secret gambling problem. We both earn enough to cover our outgoing and money left over.
I so angry and upset. I can't keep doing this. None of this money goes on me. I hardley spend anything other than bills.
Where do I go from here. I have 4 children. 11 down to 3. We own the house together.
I don't know where to start.
Has anyone else been through similar?

[Greydove28]

Are you on low wages? Sorry not trying to be rude but wondering if he is as spending on day to day living expenses as you say no gambling problem

[HollowTalk]

Time for separate finances? It sounds as though you'd be much better off.

[Doowop20]

Have you seen the credit card/bank statements to see what it is actually going on?

[normalpeeps]

Over what period has he run the debt over? Years? Or months?

Like PP said check statements, there must be some indicator of what it's been spent on.

Also, do you sit down and go through finances and set a budget each month etc.?

[Raver84]

We don't have joint account for this reason I always kept mine separate so we each pay bills each his come to 1800 per month and he should have around 700 left over. I've just found out it's 7k since September. So if its just over spending that's an incredible amount with nothing to show for it.

[Raver84]

And yes we have a set budget which we can easily live on. There should be no reason for any debt at all.

[LovingLola]

What’s he spending it on ?
Gambling ?

[Bunnymumy]

Enough is enough then. Giving him a second chance was incredibly forgiving of you. He is now however, taking you for a mug.

He gambles because he knows he has you to bail him out, kiss his booboos and make it all better. Stop letting him treat you and yours like a doormat.

And I'm guessing, he's never so much as offered to go to counciling for his gambling addiction? Because why the fuck should he, when his wife just wipes his arse for him every time he fucks up.

Ltb. No more chances.

[Sparklfairy]

I'm knackered and my maths may be out, but are you saying he's run up 7k of debt in 8 months? So spending (Inc his 700 a month) just under £400 a week on 'stuff' outside of bills?

[SeriouslyRetro]

Champagne lifestyle and lemonade spends?

It’s so easy to think everyone should be able to afford the daily coffees, meal deal, takeaway, corner shop £15 on nothing. It adds up.

How does he feel about it? Is he annoyed with himself? Does he feel justified in where the moneys gone?

[Techway]

I think you need to know what he is spending it on as it must be something. If you find the trigger you might be able to get to the root of the issue.

You don't solve money problems with money, you need to look at the layer below.

[Bananalanacake]

But if they have separate accounts there's no need for op to pay off any of his debts. It's up to him to pay it off, he has no access to her account.

[StrawberryBlondeStar]

@Raver84 it’s quite easy to wrack up debt if you just are permanently overspending (coffees at work, lunch out, Amazon, iTunes).

It’s financial infidelity. It destroys your trust in the relationship.

You have 3 options.

1. You take control over all finances. You keep an eye on all his bank accounts. You give him pocket money.
   

1. You do nothing. He will swear he won’t do it again - he will.
   

1. You leave him.
   

Sorry not to be the bearer of better news. Only he can change his behaviour. Unless he recognises he has a problem with money and more importantly does something on his own accord then he won’t change. Remember an apology without change is just manipulation.

[Bunnymumy]

And you think op will just live with him and let him pay off those debts himself? You think he won't mope about with sad eyes or make promises to oat her back until she gives in?

Or of the bailiffs show because he hasn't paid back the debts, does that not affect op either?

Come on now, let's not be naive.

[Bunnymumy]

*pay her back

[Longsight2019]

Aside from the hiding it from you, it’s really his choice if he wants to live with a credit card and a manageable monthly repayment to allow him the freedom an adult can make.

It may not be sensible to you, but it’s acceptable to him. Unless he’s gambling it or using drugs/hookers.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I agree with Techway,
You need to have transparency and if he wants your help (not your money), you need to have access to his bank statements to see where the extra money is going.
£400/week could easily be spent on
-work lunches and nights out
-hobbies
-clothes
-shows
-EBay “deals”
-gifts
-loans to friends

Offer to help him by doing a deep dive into his spending habits and showing him how to budget and not overspend. But don’t bail him out with your savings. It’s the old saying about if you give a man a fish, he’ll want another fish tomorrow, but teach him how to fish and you get to keep your fish and he can get his own damn fish.
My DH did this early on in our marriage. He liked to rebuild old cars. He thought he was making money doing this, but he was really losing thousands. Because he thought it was a hobby that paid for itself, he was blind to the hundreds he’d spend weekly on car parts and such...on our credit card! I sat down, showed him the real math and he suddenly lost all appetite for the hobby. Sold off the mustang he was restoring and the boxes and boxes of parts for it. Then we set up a schedule of repayments to the credit card from his income until he’d paid off his debts.
He has a different hobby now, but now he knows how to track everything and he’s never gotten in debt like that again.

[YRGAM]

£7000 over 8 months isn't £400 a week, it's £250 a week. Even so, I think if he's not regularly drunk and there are no material objects to show for the money, it could be a gambling problem.

[PicsInRed]

I'd want to see the statements.

If there is a lot of cash out, bank transfers or lunches for more than one, he needs to go.

Really he needs to go anyway, because you gave him a chance and he did it again. He is putting your entire future financial security at risk.

[Bananalanacake]

How can he spend that much during lockdown with all shops and pubs closed. Is he spending a lot of time on the internet.

[Raver84]

This is at least the 4th or 5th time this has happened. There is never anything to show for the money. Honestly I feel so stupid for staying after last time but my 4th baby was so young and I was n mat leave had hardly any money and had no where to go. I thought after seeing how close we came to separating it wouldn't happen again. But it has.
I'm just trying to get some perspective on how angry other would be because I'm furious, at him lying and that there is nothing to show for it. We were supposed to be saving for some big purchases we have coming up and he's blown it all and then some. I'm gutted.

[VimtoCordial]

I'm just trying to get some perspective on how angry other would be because I'm furious

I'd be livid and would have left after the second time. However, the next best time for you to call it a day is now, unless you want a lifetime of this as he'll never change.

[Sparklfairy]

@YRGAM I included the £700 a month he has left over from his wages after bills too, to get an fuller idea of how much he's burning through. To need to borrow 7k he must be spending £175 a week from his income, then spending just over £200 a week on top of that, that he's borrowing.

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

Gamblers are very secretive and very good at making false promises and still gambling because to sort it out is very very hard work. He will lie and lie and lie some more so he can keep gambling. My very short marriage cost me thousands and one example which illustrates what they're like. He went to the shop for milk with my money after promises to not use my money for gambling. He bought a scratch card. I saw the receipt. I asked him what he'd bought from the shop and he swore blind it was just milk then when I showed him the receipt all of a sudden he was just testing me. They live like that every hour of everyday and it kills you, not them

[Mama05]

What’s he spending it on?

I would leave him he’s done it once where you nearby split so he goes and does it again? He will keep on doing it because he knows you’ll sort his mess out and take him back.