Worth Staying married when love is gone?

[postbreakup]

I think I've reached the point where I don't want to be with my husband anymore. We've been at this point several times before and just drifted on either because we couldn't be bothered with the hassle of divorce, or because one of the kids were about to take exams etc.

Lockdown has given me a lot of time to think (plus being stuck here together) and I'm convinced we need to split. He's not even a bad bloke, he doesn't abuse me or sleep with other people. He's a manchild basically, he goes to work but is incapable of doing anything else without some kind of drama, so any jobs around the house tend to be done by me for a quiet life.

I'm not even interested in being with anyone else, I think I just want some peace and to "be me". We married young, I'm now thinking back and wondering if we loved each other even then, or did we just settle?

Just the process of separation seems such a massive undertaking. The house has decades worth of crap to sort through, plus I will have to find a full time job to be able to live a decent life. I've always worked part time and done 100% of the childcare and house admin/jobs etc.

I don't know what to do first. Haven't even told him how I feel, I suspect he would be content to amble on as we are forever. Whenever I see anything on tv with a loving couple on it, it makes me cry because we don't have that. Even just reading MN posts where posters say their DH is fantastic and their soulmate etc moves me to tears. We rarely have sex either.

I just don't know where to go from here. I know the thought of being in this situation til I go to my grave feels like a waste of a life.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this?. You must be still getting something out of this otherwise what is the point of actually staying together?. It clearly has not been easier for you to remain with him has it?.

I would not want a friend of mine to be in such a loveless and frankly miserable sounding marriage to a manchild. I would also think your kids are more aware than perhaps either of you believe, they can and do pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you and sense the antipathy. Do you really both want to keep on showing them that a loveless marriage is their norm too?. Would you want them to have a marriage like this is, no you would not and neither should you.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. This is likely what has happened here. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues.

It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them.

[Hidingfromcorona]

How old are you? That sounds pretty miserable.

[postbreakup]

What do you get out of this?. You must be still getting something out of this otherwise what is the point of actually staying together?.

Well we have a fairly comfortable life, no money worries etc. To be fair we don't argue much either, so there isn't a lot of conflict. He just gets on with his job, I get on with everything else and we just bimble along I guess. We do have some common interests so in normal times we do travel, go out for the day etc. But we do that as friends/companions. We are 50.

Kids have left home so they don't see much of what goes on in our relationship.

[Sugartitss]

Tell him how you feel as he may well be feeling like you’ve sucked the joy out of him but he’s too nice to say it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Fifty is no age at all, you could be alive for another 30-40 years yet. One day he could become chronically ill and you could end up being his carer; is that what you want for yourself?. What if you became chronically ill and needed his care?.

They may well have left home but they likely know on some level that the two of you are not happy at all together. BTW do they come and visit you all that often?. His and your inertia hurt you both; by staying together as you have, you are simply preventing each other from moving on. It is indeed much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them. You're both hiding and being dishonest to each other.

[Diabetes123]

OMG postbreakup this is me. I have told him told the kids and left! The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. He still loves me and wants me to go through marriage counselling but I just feel relieved if I'm completely honest.

From your post it sounds like you are trying to justify a reason for staying but if you're not happy/in love anymore that's perfectly acceptable. If I have learnt anything over the past couple of weeks is that I deserve to be happy and I was a person before I was a wife/mother! Don't stay just because its easier because at some point you will break and the lid will come off I guarantee it. As hard as it is and however much you hurt others you are only hurting yourself by staying in a loveless relationship.

Sending hugs x

[postbreakup]

@Sugartitss I expect you're right, but I strongly get the feeling that he is too lazy to do anything about it. If he's getting all his basic needs met such as getting fed, his washing done etc, he seems content to drift along.

I don't know exactly how he feels as we aren't the best at communicating unfortunately, I tend to get very emotional and despite the fact I don't love him anymore, the thought of ending a long marriage makes me extremely sad.

[Giraffe2206]

@postbreakup this is me too. Wondering whether the trauma of divorce is worth it or do we just bumble along in a platonic but ultimately not satisfying way - feel like I'm wimping out

[Ron1984]

From my experience there is never a right time to make the break but there is a right way.

Be honest with him and try and keep it amicable for all your sakes. If a family breakup can be done with love and respect it will make life easier for all going forward. At least try and have that intention - it’s not a crime to fall out of love x

[TheStuffedPenguin]

You marriage sounds like how mine was and I am so glad I am out of it now. I also believe I just settled at the time . I am married again and just love my life with my new H - it is the very opposite of what life was like for me before .

However have you discussed this with your H ?

[Witchesandwizards]

I now think that this was me before we emigrated, but I just didn’t realise. Working, primary aged kids, busy life, all hid the problems.
Then I moved to the other side of the bloody world, it’s all come out and I’m stuck somewhere where I’m as miserable as hell.

Think about this. If he asked you to move away with him to somewhere you had to start again as a family would you go?
Would you want to be with him if it was just you and him?
I should have realised our relationship wasn’t enough.

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

I dunno, I think when kids leave home the dynamics change massively and you have to find a new way.

I'd talk to him or even write a letter if you're scared of getting emotional and let him know how you feel, at least try counselling ..........he might be feeling the same way 💁🏻‍♀️

Relationships do get stale and boring, things do change as we get older. That doesn't mean they can't be worked on, you just have to find each other again sometimes. And if that isn't what you want then take the next steps towards being by yourself.

[Actionhasmagic]

Love is our there for you. Butterflies in the tummy, heart racing love is out there. You have to free yourself

[Actionhasmagic]

Something like 88 couples filed for divorce the day lockdown was lifted in Wuhan. It makes you realise a lot

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Some relationships just run their course .

[Scott72]

The first step is you have to tell him what you told the forum in your posts here.

"Even just reading MN posts where posters say their DH is fantastic and their soulmate etc moves me to tears. "

After 30 years of marriage there would be very few couples who could say this about each other.

[postbreakup]

One thing I've noticed today, having sat and thought about it, is that all that's in my mind at the moment are all the times he's annoyed me/upset me. There have been lots of happy times and yet my mind seems to just cancel them all out, all I can seem to focus on are the negatives. Could I be depressed?

I think I need to sit out the lockdown without making any big decisions and take it from there.

[Anothernick]

Why are you dwelling on the bad times? In any long relationship there will be ups and downs, you need to put the bad to the back of your mind - if you continually think about it of course you will question your marriage.

I've been with my DW for 30 years, our relationship is stable and successful now though this has not always been the case but I would certainly not say she is my soul mate. She is loyal, understanding, a good mother and obviously cares about me and I hope I am the same to her. We have always had an active and fulfilling sex life. The factors keeping us together are stronger than those pulling us apart. It is easy to believe that the grass is greener elsewhere but I wonder if that is really the case. I think you should have a serious talk with your DH and try to get him to see the issues - hopefully he can make some adjustments that will rekindle your relationship.