Hi all,
Thank you for reading if you do - it's a lot and I'm heartbroken.
I'm 22 years old and met my partner in June 2019, found out I was pregnant in August 2019, couldn't tell my family as they wouldn't approve and suffered extreme morning sickness and anxiety as I was trying to hide it. My partner was working away at the time and wasn't in the city when I miscarried. I became a complete shell, cried all the time (I never cry), was so depressed, didn't want to go out or get ready, didn't want to drink or do anything, didn't feel happy with anyone but my partner.
He came back from working away and we moved into a place to grieve and be together in November. Things went completely backwards. He started to become very closed off and went out drinking, became very irritable and admitted the miscarriage made him feel so guilty and he resented himself for not being there for me and he was struggling to cope on top of grieving his father who died a few years ago. I tried to be patient and understanding with this as I speak to cope and he doesn't, but arguments got worse and worse. One day he said we should try for another baby, then never brought it up again, and then said he changed his mind and we would do it in a few years time. We'd say we wanted two girls and even named them and spoke like they existed. I was scared to give space as I was scared of losing him and the other half of my baby, he'd only want space when we argued and it would make me feel really unheard when he'd leave a room while I was mid sentence or go to his mum's house for the night to avoid a conversation that needed to be had.
Just before lockdown, things got better, but then during lockdown, he was necking a full bottle of wine every night and things escalated when one night he wanted to buy cocaine, I said no, and he lost the plot saying he should be allowed to do what he likes. He stormed to his mum's during lockdown and came back and apologised and that it wouldn't happen.
Please bear in mind everytime we argue, he ends it and comes back, except this time, he hasn't. He took all his things and kept saying he would come back, and now has told me it's not right, he loves me, he's not eating or sleeping and that turning off his dad's life support was an easier option than this. He told me he was coming back to our place 3 times (3 days in a row), told me not to worry each time he cancelled and that he would come the next day then didn't.
Things turned so nasty as I got so fed up, I was so messed about. I said please get your things or I'll drop them off at your mums, and he said "you threatening to come here has changed my feelings for you, you're showing your true colours, I don't love you anymore".
I am now in our apartment by myself, unsure what's happening financially as he told me 5 days ago (last time we spoke) "he's washing his hands of me and the flat" and his stuff is still here. I had to message his mum about getting in touch about finances and still nothing. I am not even angry, I can't stop blaming myself and feel like I've ruined my only chance of a family. All we did was talk about our future and I wish I was a bit more laidback about the drinking and going out but I'm just scared. My doctor has put me on sertraline but I can't even see anyone while he's surrounded by family.
I feel so helpless. I've lost my baby and it's father and now it's all hitting me as I'm not working or coping.
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Relationships
22 - dealing with isolation alone, pregnancy loss and breakup
24 replies
lulumoon97 · 16/05/2020 12:56
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