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22 - dealing with isolation alone, pregnancy loss and breakup

(25 Posts)
lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 12:56:40

Hi all,

Thank you for reading if you do - it's a lot and I'm heartbroken.

I'm 22 years old and met my partner in June 2019, found out I was pregnant in August 2019, couldn't tell my family as they wouldn't approve and suffered extreme morning sickness and anxiety as I was trying to hide it. My partner was working away at the time and wasn't in the city when I miscarried. I became a complete shell, cried all the time (I never cry), was so depressed, didn't want to go out or get ready, didn't want to drink or do anything, didn't feel happy with anyone but my partner.

He came back from working away and we moved into a place to grieve and be together in November. Things went completely backwards. He started to become very closed off and went out drinking, became very irritable and admitted the miscarriage made him feel so guilty and he resented himself for not being there for me and he was struggling to cope on top of grieving his father who died a few years ago. I tried to be patient and understanding with this as I speak to cope and he doesn't, but arguments got worse and worse. One day he said we should try for another baby, then never brought it up again, and then said he changed his mind and we would do it in a few years time. We'd say we wanted two girls and even named them and spoke like they existed. I was scared to give space as I was scared of losing him and the other half of my baby, he'd only want space when we argued and it would make me feel really unheard when he'd leave a room while I was mid sentence or go to his mum's house for the night to avoid a conversation that needed to be had.

Just before lockdown, things got better, but then during lockdown, he was necking a full bottle of wine every night and things escalated when one night he wanted to buy cocaine, I said no, and he lost the plot saying he should be allowed to do what he likes. He stormed to his mum's during lockdown and came back and apologised and that it wouldn't happen.
Please bear in mind everytime we argue, he ends it and comes back, except this time, he hasn't. He took all his things and kept saying he would come back, and now has told me it's not right, he loves me, he's not eating or sleeping and that turning off his dad's life support was an easier option than this. He told me he was coming back to our place 3 times (3 days in a row), told me not to worry each time he cancelled and that he would come the next day then didn't.

Things turned so nasty as I got so fed up, I was so messed about. I said please get your things or I'll drop them off at your mums, and he said "you threatening to come here has changed my feelings for you, you're showing your true colours, I don't love you anymore".

I am now in our apartment by myself, unsure what's happening financially as he told me 5 days ago (last time we spoke) "he's washing his hands of me and the flat" and his stuff is still here. I had to message his mum about getting in touch about finances and still nothing. I am not even angry, I can't stop blaming myself and feel like I've ruined my only chance of a family. All we did was talk about our future and I wish I was a bit more laidback about the drinking and going out but I'm just scared. My doctor has put me on sertraline but I can't even see anyone while he's surrounded by family.

I feel so helpless. I've lost my baby and it's father and now it's all hitting me as I'm not working or coping.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sat 16-May-20 13:09:03

I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

This man wasn't right for you and in a while you'll see that. It wasn't meant to be, any of it. Sadly.

But it is far from your last or only opportunity to have a family and be happy - you're only 22 - so young, and you have all the time in the world to meet someone and have children. Don't rush into settling down, make sure it's right and take your time.

Do you have any supportive family or friends you could lean on or go to for a while? I know Covid is a problem, but you can change households.

If you don't have anyone supportive, please follow up with your doctor and if you're feeling low, speak to the Samaritans. Look after yourself. Life won't always be like this.

lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 13:25:18

@category12

Thank you so much, I hope so. All I can see is me being alone and not getting over this, ever. I feel like a lost cause.

I keep trying to remind myself I'm 22 but it doesn't help me at all. I would never rush into it but I really thought my life was set, if that makes sense. My future was planned.

I speak to friends until they're bored of it, it does help. Family wise not really.

Thank you so much. I've never felt worse x

OP’s posts: |
category12 Sat 16-May-20 13:36:25

It'll take time, but you will get through this.

Try to do some nice things for yourself today, and maybe give yourself some little goals for the next few weeks, like some exercise or sorting a room or something.

The Miscarriage Association have a live chat and a helpline, if that would help.

welshladywhois40 Sat 16-May-20 14:29:58

Firstly I am sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is heartbreaking and now you have a relationship to grieve for aswell. Even a bad relationship will still hurt once it's gone and it's because of the hope. All those hopes and dreams seem like they are gone - but they haven't just not with him.

Then you add in a lockdown and all the ways you would normally cope (ie being with people or planning for something) have suddenly been taken away.

So my advice - if you can get outside for some fresh air and get exercising. I had my second miscarriage a few weeks before lock down and was terrified how I was going to cope and getting out on my bike when I can is helping me.

Now at 22 - you have so many opportunities ahead of you (once we leave lockdown). At 26 I had a bad break up. Took some savings and had a gap year and travelled the world. It was amazing.

At 36 I left my alcoholic husband. Met a great man and finally became a mum at 38. - so you have plenty of time!!!

lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 15:21:04

@welshladywhois40 thank you so much for your comment. I feel like I'm grieving a million different things at once and I've never stayed/lived by myself so the fact it's by force now is just insane.

I really feel like I don't have a future and he'll have that baby with someone else. It's absolutely killing me. My self esteem and confidence is in the gutter.

I've been going for a walk a day - I was meditating for a good four days too but past two days have been a total write off. Don't know if it's maybe the antidepressants adjusting too.

Just feel so by myself and that he will thrive and I won't sad

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Sat 16-May-20 17:18:29

Why do you want a man who drinks like this and uses cocaine?

You should be looking for a good person to settle with and father your kids .it's awful having a useless parent. Don't inflict that in our child.

You are just 22...you don't need to rush into being a mum. You need to provide stability....and if you want a family...then you need to have a loving secure relationship first...not one where you BF flounces off when you argue.

You have to wait for him to come back...that's no way to live. Don't let him make you feel guilty. He isn't mature enough to be a dad.

What model of relationships have you had in your life?

Bringing a child into the world is taken too lightly ...you've not known him for a year yet...and you want to have a baby with him...tying yourself to him for life...why?

lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 17:32:39

@SandyY2K I don't know. I love him and I know he has his issues. The pregnancy wasn't intended so I was in shock with the fact and then the miscarriage. I wouldn't have kids until years later and we never tried again but I am still mourning the loss of a child.

I'm in no rush but I am scared this was my only chance in life when I know that my goal ultimately when settled is to have the family I didn't have.

My mum passed when I was 8 and my dad was physically but not mentally there due to a gambling addiction and drinking, so not a great model.

I was never intentionally tying myself to him, I'm just grieving what a life I thought we would have. I've completely beat myself up for it for days.

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Sat 16-May-20 17:47:04

I think its better this relationship ends. You're a couple of years older than my DD and I would hate for her to be with a man like this... you deserve better.

I'm sorry you lost your mum so young and your dad wasn't the best.

Life is full of challenges...a baby doesn't make those challenges disappear and you need a reliable partner at your side to deal with these issues.

People these days seem to live together so quickly...without really getting to know each other first.

Make a list of qualities you want in a partner. Make a list of things you would expect to see in a loving sand secure relationship.

Can you get those things with him? Has he shown he can be there for you?

I don't know his age, but maybe he is not at all ready for a serious grown up relationship.

Elieza Sat 16-May-20 17:55:19

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, it must be so hard especially during lockdown. flowers

To be honest it sounds to me like he did go off you and didn’t want to be the bad one to end the relationship so looked for any excuse to make you the bad one. That’s why you (and you were being 100% reasonable) became the bad one ‘showing your true colours‘ and it was somehow your fault that you split up. A load of rubbish. He was the one who ended it with his behaviour. You shouldn’t need to put up with that.

He is not mature and lives an unhealthy lifestyle. I know he is grieving but I grieved for my miscarried baby and my father and neither time did I neck alcohol like it was going out of fashion or need illegal drugs. I faced my pain and just worked through it. Those substances may fill it but they won’t take it away.

You’re doing the right things. I know it’s so hard. The meds from the GP are the best thing you can do just now. I found that talking to my mum and pals helped me not think about stuff for a while a day. And music really really lifts me up when I’m down. I dance around the living room like a fanny and feel much better when I am moving around enjoying the music and forgetting my problems for a while. It’s good for exercise too.

Get your flat in your name if you are keeping it and make sure the money stuff is sorted. flowers

GilbertMarkham Sat 16-May-20 18:01:54

I really feel like I don't have a future and he'll have that baby with someone else

Miscarriage is very common, one in three I think. I personally know lots of women, cousin, acquaintance etc.) who've had miscarriages and gone in to have kids afterwards.

You have s lot of time to meet a good partner and have a family with them. You have about 18 of more years with your own eggs and beyond that with donor eggs. It is highly highly likely you'll meet someone else and do so.

As for if I'd when he has a baby with someone else; unless he changes s lot they'll have to deal with a partner who drinks a lot and takes coke ... not a man if be happy for any woman I'm fond of to have a baby with. He doesn't actually sound like a great guy or good partner, it sounds like like you've put him on a pedestal and aren't thinking about him critically.

GilbertMarkham Sat 16-May-20 18:02:44

*as for if or when

lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 18:05:16

@SandyY2K He's 30, just turned. Not had a relationship since he was in High School. I'll definitely do the list.

@Elieza I thought that too but I asked him upfront and even when he was angry, he told me he loved me but he didn't want us to hate each other 5 years down the line and sobbed about how much he loved me. Luckily I have a rent holiday until August but bills are all in his name and he said he was cutting them off last time we spoke to "wash his hands of me" but no response or follow up so he's still paying them with his stuff here. I had to message his mum to get him to get in contact, she said she let him know and still nothing.

OP’s posts: |
lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 18:08:06

@GilbertMarkham you're right, for the first time in my life I'm looking at things emotionally with no logic whatsoever. I'm hoping I get to the next stage of grieving where I actually start to get angry and start getting a bit more motivation and hope for the future.

OP’s posts: |
Sunshinedu Sat 16-May-20 20:22:01

OP,
What an unfortunate situation,I’m sorry to hear about your troubles.
It’s ok to feel poorly and upset,life can be very unfair at times and you mustn’t blame yourself.
In the long run off course you will meet someone else,have many adventures along the way and build a life of value.
It might be worth exploring counselling as a miscarriage is very hard to deal with,we are all finding the lockdown tough as we are social beings so your not alone to feel like this.
You’ve got to keep moving forward as best as you can and do not play any of his games,it’s emotional blackmail.Youve your whole life ahead of you and your at a great age,time will be kind to you.

frazzledmomof3 Sat 16-May-20 20:38:49

Bless you darling. You have been through an extremely tough time. I'm so sorry for your loss. Its very hard when you are In the thick of grieving - and in your case it's your baby and relationship. But you will come out the other side of it. You are 22 - you have your whole life ahead of you. Be kind to yourself.

category12 Sat 16-May-20 21:19:55

At 30, his bad behaviour is pretty fixed, i think ultimately it is a bullet dodged. flowers

lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 21:31:25

@Sunshinedu thank you so much, I feel like I'm overreacting a bit but my whole body is just overcome with emotion and I'm just not thinking logically at all. I'm not even at the stage I'm angry about it or anything, all I can see is the good.

@frazzledmomof3 thank you so much flowers I hope so - right now I just feel very by myself and feel sad I've relied on a man who told me to and told me I had been through one of the most traumatic things a woman could go through, and now look at the situation. Feel like I took five steps forward and six steps back.

@category12 I think so too. It really upsets me, I can't stop blaming myself.

OP’s posts: |
Roo07 Sat 16-May-20 21:40:43

My x and I bought a flat got engaged and got pregnant. I miscarried the baby, he left, we sold the flat and I hit rock bottom. I took an overdose and ended up in hospital for 5 days. I was 20 and felt as though my world had ended.
15 years on I’m married with 4 children living in a house I could only dream of. I met my partner a year after my world crashed and I now know that all that happened in my past was because better things were meant to happen. If I was still with my x my life wouldn’t be anything like it is now. I’m so grateful he left me.

lulumoon97 Sat 16-May-20 21:46:05

@Roo07 thank you so much for your message. I am so sorry you went through that, but I am so glad you came out the other end and are so happy now. I've had similar thoughts but not acted on anything and would never, just felt like I'm the only person in the world going through this and I'm all by myself at such a young age, I have never, ever hurt like this in my life. I feel completely defeated, but your message gives me so much hope. flowers

OP’s posts: |
gold20 Sun 17-May-20 00:43:27

I'm so so sorry for you, I have been through a similar thing and know the pain all too well. I had a very traumatic miscarriage late last year then a painful breakup where it emerged that my boyfriend of two years was married and two-timing me and his wife. This all happened in January and I'm still a mess four months down the line.

All I can say is that things happen for a reason and you are so young, you will get through this and have a beautiful life with someone who will love and value you the way you deserve. Lockdown is such a unique circumstance and I'm sure if life was as normal things would be a little easier but please take this time to focus on what makes you happy. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm not online dating or trying to find someone new as I know that I won't be happy until I am happy again in myself. Sending so much love, you will get through this and you will find a man 10000 x nicer, kinder and who treats you how you deserve <3

Roo07 Sun 17-May-20 08:31:46

Losing people you love really hurts. Losing a baby is an unbearable pain. I’ve lost 3 in total but as mentioned have 4 beautiful children. I think of it as if I hadn’t lost those 3 babies I wouldn’t of had the babies I have now (my way of getting through each loss). As for my x we were wrong together but as I was so young I didn’t know any better. My childhood didn’t give me a solid idea of what a real relationship should look like.
Yes me and my husband have had our ups and downs but we’ve been together 14 years and married for 8 of those years.
Life is hard but if you share it with the right person those hard times are a little easier. Please believe me when I say that you are so young and you just have to believe you deserve better and live your life for you. Don’t think that what has happened to you is all you will have because honestly that’s what I believed and now I have everything.
Stay strong and reach out at your lowest points because friends are what will pull you through this.

lulumoon97 Sun 17-May-20 12:15:18

@gold20 thank you for your message flowers I am so sorry to hear the same happened to you and also what you found out. I can only hope you're beginning to heal and feel a bit better, what have you been doing with yourself? Are you speaking to anyone about your feelings? I keep trying to remind myself I'm 22 and young and have a whole future, but I can't stop feeling like a terrible person and that I ruined my whole chance of a family in life by not being as laidback sad

OP’s posts: |
lulumoon97 Sun 17-May-20 12:17:21

@Roo07 that's what makes me so sad. I kept reaffirming to myself "it's okay, we'll have our children in future and it'll make up for this time" and now it won't happen, it just makes me feel so alone. I was talking to a friend who's partner had a stillborn, and they said their grief was instantly gone when they had another baby. Just makes me so sad.

OP’s posts: |
Roo07 Sun 17-May-20 15:05:22

I lost a baby with my x but didn’t have my 1st baby until a couple of years later with my now husband. I am in away pleased I didn’t have a baby with my x as it would of tied me to him for life and that would of been awful. You will have a family but when the time is right and with the right person. You are so young and have so much life to live. You have to be happy with yourself first because then you won’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Don’t think it won’t happen because my life is proof it can x

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