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Going NC with sibling- please help(13 Posts)
I’ve name changed for this as I would hate for anyone I know to ever read this and realise it was me! Apologies for how long this is in advance, I just don’t want to drip feed.
I have three sisters, two live away from the town we grew up in (one is at uni and the other moved away to live in her DP’s area). We get on well, see each other every few months, everyone seems happy. My other sister lives in our home town and alternates between living with divorced DM and DF, despite being in a very good job. She’s currently on lockdown at DF’s after a huge argument with DM (this is a very frequent occurrence) but is angling to go back to DM’s.
A couple of years ago I tried to go NC with this sister which was a decision I didn’t take lightly and was the culmination of years and years of horrible behaviour from her and having to watch her treat my parents and my other sisters abysmally (one example of many is the time she was living rent free at home as had stacked up so much debt, arrived downstairs with a packed suitcase, demanded a lift to the airport two hours away, screamed until DF agreed, then rang every family member from her abroad hurling abuse as she had ‘ran out of money and was starving’.) I realised she was just a toxic person who is unlikely to change and decided life was just too short to spend constantly miserable at the hands of someone else’s behaviour.
I was completely NC with her for over a year and half, but my DM was so upset by this that she begged me to speak to her. During the time I was NC, I was still getting weekly phone calls from DM about my sister’s latest stunts etc. I truly believe my sister is a narcissist and will not change but DM is insistent she will ‘grow out of it’ and is totally resistant to any suggestions that she should stop pandering to her/ try to put some healthy boundaries in place.
When visiting home and staying with DM a few months ago, she put me in a difficult position by arranging a day out for us, and when we arrived, my sister was there. She was basically trying to force me to speak to her, so I did. We haven’t had much contact since then as I went back to my home, but after she’d had yet another argument with DM, my sister sent me some really horrible texts blaming me for their argument and calling me every name under the sun. My life is so much less stressful without my sister in it and I’m just not willing to put up with her shit for the rest of our lives.
My dilemma is: I’m moving back to my home town soon for a job. My DM has offered me my childhood bedroom back while I scope out my options, which makes a lot of sense due to the current situation with the virus etc. How on earth do I manage the situation when I’ll be no longer a hundred miles away? My DM is already speaking about Christmas and birthdays and family weddings etc, and how she doesn’t want there to be a rift and I just have no idea how to handle it all. I don’t want to unnecessarily hurt my mum but I also really don’t want to have my sister take centre stage in my life again.
God I’m so sorry for the length of that!!
I'd be scoping out somewhere to live BEFORE you need to start new job, or you'll have nowhere to escape to when the fights begin
I don't see living back at home working for any of you, though of course your DM would like everyone to get along, wishful thinking won't make it happen.
You can't stay with your mum because it will inevitably end up being in hell whilst she insists you talk to your sibling. You need to make it clear to your mother that you're not interested in making amends with someone who isn't capable of it. You need to find somewhere of your own basically. She will be upset yes, but you're entitled to have a sibling free life if they are toxic.
In addition to a horrible sister, you have a manipulative mother. I'd be giving both a wide berth. Agree with others - you need your own accommodation away from your mother's home, as she'll be planning happy families, way before Christmas.
You will need to work on your boundaries where ever you stay and there will be an expectation for you to join in. Remember - you don't have to!
I sympathise. I'm no longer in contact with one of my brothers, it was his decision. It's been about 5 years now. My mum is constantly trying to build bridges but I've told her straight that I think my brother made the right decision for himself and I respect it - also that I no longer want to be in contact with him either so whilst I won't be unkind about it, I'm done with that - and she knows not to engineer contact either.
Be straight about it and be definite about what you want, that's my advice. She can have her say but this is your decision to make and she needs to respect that.
Oh yes, agree with PP, don't stay at your childhood home, you'll be 'captive' to the drama of both your mum and your sister. How would you be able to get out of that once you'd moved in?
Just don't move in there in the first place. I can just imagine the nonsense... "Yes, I know it's your home Handlingthis but it's also my home and I want to see my children when I choose and I don't have to ask you first". I could see that being a set-up very early on.
I imagine you'll end up back there. The only way through it is to 'grey rock' and change the subject if she is mentioned by your mum or just ignore your sister if she plays up. Very very hard, but it's the only way. You basically need to emotionally detach, watch it like a bystander as only you have the power to be sucked into her nonsense
@nowayhose she’s 24, so way past an age where you can grow out of something in my opinion.
Thank you for these replies, I think you’re all right that I’m going to need my own accommodation. I’m 26 and was hoping to use this time to set aside some money for a deposit as I’d have to pay DM less rent than I would elsewhere but reading these replies I just don’t think it’s worth it.
Thank you for the non judgemental advice! It’s not something I talk about in real life because sister is nice as ninepence to everyone except immediate family, so when I stopped speaking to her I was painted as nasty and causing unnecessary drama. So it’s very much a relief to not have anyone telling me to just patch it up and get on with it!
I hope you find somewhere soon and can keep your distance when things are rocky
I understand totally about the 'nice to everyone else' part
I have a mother and sister like that. My DH always thought I exaggerated a bit until the day my DM (not knowing my husband was at home, his car was in for it's MOT) 'popped round' for another of her unannounced visits and got straight into being absolutely vile to me from the moment I'd opened the door.
He heard everything, and within 2 mins of her beginning the usual tirade of insults and criticisms, he jumped off his chair in another room and ran to the hall (she hadn't even made it into the lounge before starting in on me), and began shouting at her 'who the fuck do you think you are to talk to her like that ??'
As smooth as you like she changed from nasty bitch to joking MIL, but the look on her face when she turned back to me was pure evil. She knew she'd been caught out and planned to make me suffer for it later.
Stopped contact with her about a month later and neither my DM or my DS has never been in touch since. Every Xmas, birthday etc has been ignored, but DM did try to contact my 2 DC when they turned 16, no doubt to try to turn them against me.
my sister was the same at that age and I lived miles away. She was awful to my younger sister, when she saw me she only wanted money. We reconnected in her 30s and actually get on well now. I am a little surprised your returning to your home town however i would suggest you get your own accomodation.
@Handlingthis - I understand this. My DM always goes on about how much it upsete her if her children argue, but she uses this as manipulation to enable her golden children to carry on behaving appallingly and make me put up / shut up.
I told her last time, that she needs to call them out on their behaviour but it will never happen. I just tolerate them from a distance these days.
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