My whole life I’ve felt on the periphery. Never really part of anything.
I had a few damaging friendships in primary school one after the other, m where both girls controlled me and wouldn’t let me be friends with anyone else and would sulk be nasty etc if I tried. But they would often ignore me or play with others. This meant I started secondary with zero self esteem and struggled to make friends until the final years. I was so lonely and hated myself and ended up with serve MH problems. At home my parents were loving but my brother always hated me and made it clear he couldn’t think any less of me. Even told me once he’d be happy if I died. Lovely. All I wanted was for him to love and accept me. So between the friends and my brother I’ve developed a massive fear of rejection.
Anyway. Since secondary I seem to be able to make friends ok. But again, I’m always on the edge never a main vital member of the “gang”. I’m always an addition to make up numbers. And when I’ve moved on (due to uni, post grad, then moving to be with now DH) no one has ever bothered to stay in touch.
If I put the effort in it it’s all good, people will chat, be friendly, make plans, meet up (if I travel). But if I don’t then I never hear from people. This is the same with my brother. He has grown into a selfish but not unkind man. He lives for his family unit. If the lines of communication are to be kept open it’s me putting in the effort. I think he wouldn’t notice I wasn’t in his life if I stopped contact. It would only be my mum reminding him that I exist. I’m sad that I won’t have any relationship with my nieces.
Is it because I’ve moved around so much? Or is there something wrong with me and I’m not the sort of person people want to be good friends with? I seem to be the person people talk to when they need to vent or sympathy and then never bothered with. I see people with their close friends, group chats and girls nights etc and never have that. I got added to a group chat two years after it started as someone felt guilty as they’d let slip it existed. I’d been friends and social with these people for 4 years, saw them multiple times a week until I moved. I wasn’t the only one to move away but the only one not in the chat.
I do find it hurtful and lonely. I’m luckier than some I know as I have a very loving DH.
Should I just suck it up and accept that i always have to do the organising, instigating, travelling if I want to have ‘friends’? Or just settle in to being lonely and try and find enjoyment in other things.
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Do I need to accept that I always have to put the effort in or I’ll end up lonely?
15 replies
Readysetcake · 16/05/2020 07:37
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