Anyone stopped contact with their mum?

[AperolNeeded]

Just looking for peoples experiences doing this and the reasons why they did it.

Currently debating whether I should NC or try LC first?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Have a look at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

[NeverBeenLoved]

Lifetime of abuse that clearly wasn't going to improve.

It's been 8 years now and I've never looked back.

[PegasusReturns]

Very very low contact. Best thing ever.

[Muppetry76]

I was vvvLC before covid but dutiful daughter guilt kicked in. Same behaviours as before have left my MH in tatters again so slowly reducing contact again.

OP if someone in the workplace/pub/on the street was treating you the same way your 'd' m is now, what would you do?

'blood is thicker than water' was rattled off to me so many times by family members who only heard her side. It goes both ways.

[AperolNeeded]

You'd think with the lockdown and being in different countries it would have been easy to maintain low contact...but she has somehow managed to cause me yet another sleepless night where I've balled my eyes out, all whilst I've been trying to stay calm and happy the last few days as I'm due to give birth any time now.

Do I just ignore her calls? She's only ringing me out of some kind of misplaced duty...she pretty much carries on watching tv and isn't really listening to what I have to say when we do speak?

I've looked up some of the 'we took you to a stately home' threads...I've thought about posting in there but I'm not sure if I'm just a bit over-sensitive rather than my Mum being actually abusive? She's never physically hurt me. A lot of my issues with her is down to how inconsistent she is and not dealing with her own mental/physical health.

[NeverBeenLoved]

My mother never physically hurt me either. But she prevented me from developing normally emotionally and punished me for things that were beyond my control.

My mothers abuse of me stemmed from her own mental health issues.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Ignore her calls and otherwise block her from being able to contact you.

Please post also in the Stately Homes thread; you will fit right in there and the current one is May 2020. Being told or thinking that you're over sensitive too is often a charge leveled at the adult child by their toxic parent.

Abuse is far more than just physical; there are all types of abuse and there is overall neglect too. From the little you have written about your mother, her best was simply not good enough and as a result you carry the effects of all that from her to this very day. It is often when adult children become parents themselves that the full extent too of their parents inadequate parenting becomes fully apparent. Your mother took the low road; you do not have to do the same as she did to your child now. You do not mention your dad here; where is he and is he in your life now?.

[AperolNeeded]

I guess what I mean by not abusive, is that it's never been intentional? She's never gone out of her way to be mean, cruel or uncaring, it just kind of happens because she is in a bad place herself and doesn't know how to deal with her own emotions.

Even writing that I can see it's abusive, it just feels a stretch for me to believe that's what it has been. I'm so confused today. I've had hardly any sleep which I don't think is helping.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your mother likely never sought or even wanted to seek the necessary help and you became the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. None of what happened to you was your fault, this is all on her.

You have physical distance between you and she, now you need to work on putting more mental distance between you two.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she will in all likelihood behave similarly around your child as a grandparent. Your child will need to be kept well away from your mother going forward.

[AperolNeeded]

My dad died when I was 5...sadly he took his own life. That's a whole other thread and level of rejection I've had to deal with. Mum doesn't like talking about it...she says she's 'boxed' and packed it away in her head so doesn't like bringing it up as it's too much to deal with. God I'm sobbing, I can't ever imagine making my little boy feel like this.

[Aussiebean]

Very few abusers see what they are doing as abusive.

They believe, to their core, that they are correct and that you are wrong. It wouldn’t enter their minds that you are an autonomous person who has a right to your own boundaries and respect. They will endure a massive amount of mental gymnastics to prove to themselves, and you, that they are correct.

Just because they don’t see their behaviour as abusive, doesn’t mean it’s not.

[tamsintamsout]

She’s making you responsible for her emotions. Definitely post on the threads - and do try to reduce contact if you would like to.

I’m sorry, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Abuse comes in many forms and ‘parentification’ is one of them.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"it just kind of happens because she is in a bad place herself and doesn't know how to deal with her own emotions."

But its still no excuse or justification for her behaviours towards you and you have been emotionally harmed by this. She never sought or perhaps even wanted to seek the necessary help.

What if anything do you know about her own childhood, that often gives clues. Her parents may also treated her not too dissimilarly as to how you were treated as a child. She had a choice re you and chose to mete out similar to what she likely had done to her. Your mother remains wrong to make you her personal scapegoat for all her ills. None of what happened to you was your fault - that responsibility is all on her.

[DewDropsonKittens]

I spent years of back and forth low contact then no contact.

Then made an attempt at reconciliation, it worked for a very short while

I've been completely no contact with her or my dad for the last year and a half.

It doesn't appear to me that she is all that bothered

[walkingchuckydoll]

I tried going NC with my dad for a while but then he got really, really sick, family members at my door that he needed care and might die so I went to see him. It was getting too difficult to keep away. I now tell him almost nothing of my life and keep him at a reasonable distance. Nobody can get mad at me, I can see him if I need to, but he has very little influence in my life. It does help that he pissed off my DH too so in doubt I have someone to discuss strategy with.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I am so very sorry to read about your dad.

This pdf file may also be of some use to you:- www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Suicide/Documents/Help%20is%20at%20Hand.pdf

You are still not responsible though for your mother's emotions and or potential lack of.

Where is your support here?. Have you ever spoken to a therapist about your parents here; this is something I would urge you to seriously consider doing. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

[AperolNeeded]

Thanks all for replying...I didn't expect such amazing support. I hope some of the below answers most of the questions.

Her childhood was horrendous. Abusive, alcoholic dad, would punish her and her siblings by physically taking it out on my DGM. Lots of mind games, manipulation and control. I was very close to my DGM and I think she herself had bottled up how bad things were by just getting on with life but very much would take no shit after GD died (young thank god so DGM had 26 years of peace). M also very young when she had me, so my DGM helped a lot. I know this made my own M feel a bit inferior and left out as she would always say 'no-one can get a look in when you two are together' or 'you're thick as thieves' but it would always be said quite spitefully. She always says I loved DGM more than her which isn't the case, just she was more consistent and dependable so I always went to DGM when I had a problem.

I've a wonderful DP who does nothing but build me up and support me. My MIL is also wonderful as she is aware of mine and my M's historic relationship as she has seen the previous abuse via text/voicemail I used to get sent when M was particularly unwell/paranoid. But my biggest support when it came to M was DGM who sadly died 18 months ago. So I think this is why this time round I'm finding it hard that old behaviours have resurfaced. M and me both cared for DGM when she was dying and I genuinely thought we'd turned a corner in our relationship.

I started counselling when I was 11 until I was 16, suffered 3 chronic bouts of depression/severe anxiety which were managed with CBT and medication but I've been pretty level for the last 8 years. I've been to some grief support groups since DGM passed and have started to attend these again, as I'm missing her terribly at the moment.

I'm going to speak with my DSD to explain I need to put some barriers in place again...but he has been known to pull me back into calming M down as apparently I'm the only one who knows how to calm her down when she's manic but I just don't have the mental capacity myself to do this anymore.

[Aussiebean]

So he is putting you in the firing line so he doesnt have to do it?

[AperolNeeded]

@Aussiebean In a word. Yes. I feel like I have to for the sake of my siblings. They're much younger than me and I suppose I think if I can calm her down, it'll take a load of them.

[MrsLully]

Hi OP. Your post has hit home for me.
It took me a few years to realise that my mum's behaviour was abusive. She was (is) in an abusive relationship herself with my dad. When I was younger I had to protect her from him (violent drunk), and I carried that responsibility since I was 8 or 9. I became very anxious and controlling as a result, and have dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life.
I moved countries a few years ago, and they didn't come to my wedding, or the birth of my child, nor they sent her a card for her first birthday. They were invited to all of those occasions, but couldn't be bothered. They kept demanding pictures of DD constantly and even posting them in social media without my permission.
One day I had enough and just stopped. I don't think I resent them anymore, I just can't keep trying. It's exhausting. I just hope I'll be a better parent.
I hope you get some peace soon

[AperolNeeded]

@walkingchuckydoll

This is very similar to what happened to me. M was diagnosed with cancer...we'd had a huge falling out prior because of how she treated DGM. She was suffering one of her paranoia/the world is out to get me fits and eventually turned on me. For the first time ever, she got it both barrels back and I was made out to be the worst D in the world. Despite me caring for both her children three times a week, whilst working full time, maintain a relationship, social life and trying to deal with DGMs failing health. We didn't talk until I got a VM from her telling me she might have cancer and thought I might want to know she was dying...that was it, I got sucked back in.

[happytobeheresparkl]

I honestly think it depends on what kind of person you are.

I have just had something similar with a parent in which she said something I wasn't sure I could forgive.

She has a chronic illness which will be affecting her mental health.

So I decided that actually for me I would move on because as much as I could have decided no contact I'm not sure I'd have forgive myself and it would have been on the back of my mind whilst doing it causing me emotional energy so in the end I decided to move on but at a distance.

[tinyvulture]

Oh God, OP, sounds so hard. I really feel for you.

I am going to tell you my story - obviously everyone is different and I not remotely suggesting what happened for me would work for most people. But for me, NC with my mother for a period of time was actually a stepping stone to us achieving the better, healthier relationship with each other, which we now enjoy. I suspect I may be very rare in this - but, for what it’s worth.......

I had a terrible relationship with my mother, (think Narcissitic mother type behaviour etc) and after LC for a while we went NC with each other (it was kind of both our choice in the end). Now, what actually then happened during this time of NC was that we both did some inner work - counselling, worked on our MH etc (totally separately and entirely coincidentally). After quite a long time, we agreed to try contact again and actually we found our relationship was better than it ever was before. We somehow managed to avoid all recriminations (we had both learnt to avoid “you” statements and leave the past in the past), which meant there was a path to an actual relationship going forwards. Not a super close one maybe (I certainly don’t tell her everything, as she used to want me to), but friendly and positive - we do have lots of things in common (books, politics, sense of humour.....) and get on perhaps mainly because of those now.

I wouldn’t like to say exactly what changed for her (as I say, we are still not THAT close) - for me, I had definitely, through counselling and space, come to realise that, though my childhood was far from perfect, and she would certainly never be the idealised mother I wanted her to be, I was able to forgive, move on, and just finally accept her for who she is.
I would say it feels perhaps more like a friendship than a mother/daughter thing now. But that means all the controlling stuff and the guilt stuff is gone, so I am fine with that! And I DO love her. Just not in the way I always wanted/felt obliged to.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

It doesn't matter whether she's abusing you "on purpose". If you were walking in the woods and you saw a tree was falling, you wouldn't stand there in its path and say "well it doesn't KNOW its about to fall, so I'd best stay here and just deal with the concussion" would you? You'd protect yourself by moving away.

That's what you need to do with your mother. You don't have to hate her, you just have to stop allowing her to harm you.

I know it's easier said than done. I went NC with my mother about 6yrs ago and it's the single biggest improvement to my mental health that I've ever made. I am lucky in that my sister is totally onside. We have a few cousins but keep contact with them very vague and bland.

Your responsibility here is to yourself and your dcs. Not your adult siblings. Not your step father. If he can't handle being around an abusive bully without being able to throw you under the bus, he can get divorced.

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

Virtually no contact.

I have nothing in common with her, don't particularly enjoy her company, and I still can't forgive her for her frosty, violent, and vindictive behaviour towards me when I was an adolescent and probably needed her more than at any other point in my life.

You can choose your friends, as they say. I don't feel any compulsion to have contact with her simply because she's a parent. She was a bloody useless one when I actually required some parental input in my life. I don't need a parent decades later.