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I don't think my husband loves me(70 Posts)
Just that really. We have a good relationship I would say, parent our 3 year DS together well but I just don't think he loves me. I think he needs me and probably likes me but I don't think loves me. Here's a few reasons why I think he might not:
I suffer from migraines quite bad. Not all the time but it's a bit of a pain. He doesn't really sympathise to be honest. He doesn't say "are you ok?", or "don't worry, it will get better". He isn't an arse about it at all but he doesn't show concern.
This morning I was in our bedroom putting clothes away and he was at the top of the stairs putting his socks on and I said did you dust the TV when you dusted, it looks really dusty. I didn't say it in a nagging way or anything. I caught a glimpse of him sat on the stairs and he pulled this face that was full of resentment, that's the only way I can describe it and it broke my heart to be honest, I know that's sad but the facial expression is etched in my mind.
He doesn't really seem to get excited about spending time with me. He played darts tonight over video call with one of his friends after we put our DS to bed and I sat and watched TV. Once he finished, he came into the living room and I was like did you enjoy it? Did you have fun? All smiles and he was like yeah, picked up his book and started reading it then said he was going to bed. I don't really encourage us sitting and chatting but I was making the effort and felt rejected.
I jokingly said the other day that my hair looked like a scarecrow and he laughed and said yeah when your hair has been tied up, you get this kink in your hair that reminds me of a horse? I just sort of laughed it off but it hurt a bit. He's never said anything like that before so it feels a bit like he's noticing my flaws now if that makes sense?
It's my birthday soon and he asked me to send him photos of what I wanted. I kept forgetting and he kept saying send me the photos so it's more like he's made it a duty rather than something nice.
We both work. I'm furloughed and he's on reduced hours and working from home. I do about 70% of the house work and all the cooking so it's not like I'm lazy and a crap wife and he's grown to resent me for it.
We laugh a lot together about our DS, he's a funny kid. Apart from that though, I can't say I can remember when he last asked me how I was or what I'm up to or anything. I do ask him but not all the time.
When we got together 9 years a go (married for 6), he was more into me I think than I was him but that was only at the very start. I love him and care about him deeply. I'm one of those types of partners that leaves him to his own devices, I don't bother him on nights out (he doesn't go out much and obviously not at all lately) he does his football etc and I'm more than fine with that and show a bit of interest but something has made him resent me I think and I don't know what.
It's really that face he pulled that has got me feeling like this at the moment.
Definitely no cheating going on. He hardly ever has his phone on him, his iPad is always left out for our DS to use and me if I need and before lockdown he would go to the football with his dad, take our DS out to meet his dad for lunch and very rarely have a night out with his best friend and always return home around 11pm!
Am I overthinking this? Am I maybe reading too much into a couple of isolated incidents? Any advice would be appreciated thanks
Sounds like you connect as parents but not as partners.
Maybe plan a night together, after putting DS to bed
Nice dinner and movie.
Ban all DS talk at this time and try to reconnect as partners.
Ok contentious post alert. And disclaimer.. I am a feminist. But have you put on weight, started to look very different from the person he was attracted to? Are you still fanciable? Men can get very funny about a big change in how attractive they think their partner is. Not all, but some.
Also if you are being a bit of a doormat and don't have any spark or interests apart from the family you can become very different from the person he met. Doing housework for them doesn't make them love you more - it kind of works the opposite way actually.
Can you put the dc to bed and spend some time having fun? Drink too much, have a chat etc? Stick on a bit of slap etc and pretend you're at the pub?
I think this is fairly normal for a relationship of 9 years with a small child and the enforced 24/7 of lockdown.
Your remark about the dusting would have given me the rage too.
Don’t stress. Marriages have ups and downs and current circumstances aren’t helping. Things will improve.
No I haven't put any weight on, maybe 7lbs or so on and off over the years, I've always been a size 14/16 but I can see why you asked because it can be an issue in relationships.
The reason I made a comment about the dusting is because it's the only thing I asked him to do all week. He's working, albeit 4 days instead of 5 and from home so I do pretty much everything. The TV was pretty dusty so I just said when you dusted, did you dust TV? He could have just said no, I'd have laughed and did it myself but I don't want to get into a situation where I just do everything and when he doesn't do something, I don't say anything because then I would be doing everything and I'll need to return to work soon.
I've made his life very easy. I have organised all childcare at all times, I work around DS's nursery, I do all the appointments (he comes to important one's), I get on great with his parents and his friends and my family love him. He doesn't have any reason to be pulling faces behind my back, this isn't the first time and I've heard him mutter 'fuck off' a few times when I've asked simple things. Of course the odd thing I say can be a bit nagging but under usual circumstances we're both working and quite busy so I do need to ensure things get done because I can't do it all.
He is a good husband and definitely a great dad but this face pulling and muttering under his breath gets to me sometimes and feels belittling and nasty. I told him last night that it upsets me and he said he was really sorry and didn't realise he was doing it. I said to him my main worry is that our DS will see him doing it then it will become the norm for them both to make faces and slag me off under their breath all because I'm trying to make sure we live in a nice tidy house and we are all comfortable and well fed. It's hard to explain how it feels but I know, yesterday especially, the way I saw him pull this nasty horrible face all because I asked him if he dusted a TV or not was horrible
I'm the OP by the way, my name must have changed back to the original 😂
Sounds very much like you've settled into the parent roles and need to reconnect on a relationship/couple level.
As above posters mentioned, plan a night out in. Ask him on an at home date and ban ds talk
That dusting comment would have pissed me off too. Why couldn't you just look and see if it was done rather than nag him about it? Just seems a bit weird.
My husband pulls his weight but doesnt always tidy up exactly how I'd like.... in so far as he will tidy up fill the dishwasher and turn it on but there could still be crumbs on the counter.
Or he'll dust and hoover the living room but not fix the cushions or curtains.
Rather than nagging him about it I just do those little things myself because it's more the way I like it rather than him doing anything "wrong".... i think maybe you are being a bit naggy without realising.
I get you, op. My ex (sorry) was like this too. He resented me in the same way but it was really unfair (in my opinion of course, he might have seen it differently) It was like he preferred playing the parent child role, with him as sulky boy, when I wanted the adult adult role. We never resolved it. He is still like this now, I have noticed, so if he forgets to do something he gets all sulky like it's my fault, even though we aren't even married any more.
Maybe you have just got into a rut and things need spicing up abit!
Im pregnant at the moment and im always conscious not to 'go on about it' all the time around my partner as I dont want to loose my self and the person he fell in love with.
Have you got your own hobbies etc other than your son? Its easy to become consumed (I Imagine) by your kids and kind of loose yourself.
Like the PP have said...get some slap on, make yourself look sexy and have a date night without child talk. Drink too much and just have a laugh. You'll probably find you'll have a bit of a drunken heart to heart at the time anyway. x
The dusting comment would have pissed me off because it was passive aggressive. That’s pretty evident from your following post in which you are clearly resentful of his contributions. You are also openly critical of him just in a different way.
This isn’t about whether there is love, it about whether you like and respect each other. It’s doesn’t sound as if you like him and he doesn’t seem to like you. Same with a lack of respect.
Don’t get PP saying you shouldn’t have asked him about the telly... he didn’t even do the one household thing he had to do all week thoroughly and OP is expected to just ignore it and do it herself? I guess the tv is something you could easily miss and if the housework was split more evenly I’d just ignore it... I get he’s working and OP isn’t but it sounds like this is the norm in usual times too.
I do the cleaning because I love it, it’s therapeutic for me and I like to do it my way but DP does all the cooking/bill paying/car stuff/driving/DIY etc. You need to be careful not to get into the habit of just doing everything because then you ALSO have the emotional labour of organising everything in your head and also carrying it all out yourself. I hate it when women have to ask their partners to help as though it’s our responsibility to know what needs doing and delegate?
His behaviour is fucking teenage and he needs a kick up the ARSE. How dare he mutter “fuck off” when you dare ask him to contribute a bit to the housework in HIS house? That’s really disrespectful and disgusting behaviour. Honestly if my DP did this regularly I’d leave him. Deal breaker for me.
You've become his housekeeper. As another person noted, being a good wife by cooking, cleaning and looking after the children does not make a person love you more. It seems he has no real role in the household as you do it all, so no wonder the man left out the dusting of the tv. Is it really that important? I would have muttered under my breath and pulled a face at the dusting comment. You need to step away from the "being a good wife/mother" role and start spicing things up a bit. Stop doing everything for him, thats how they get lazy and then they get bored and then.......well, you only need to look at MN to see what can happen. So, down tools, put your high heels on and flirt with him! Get out of the rut.
I’m going to go completely at a tangent here, but do you talk a lot?, like thinking out loud all the time? I was just wondering given your username 😬. I worked with a girl who just NEVER. SHUT. UP. She was a lovely girl, kind, thoughtful, helpful, but just the sheer non-stop yak yak yak left me seriously disliking being in her company.
If not, sorry - as you were!
Christ there are some surrendered stepford wives here.
Contempt is the death knell for any relationship and he seems to feel (and outwardly express) contempt for you. Regularly muttering "fuck off" is contemptuous in the extreme.
Has he always expected you to do the bulk of the household chores? Is this the first time you've laid expectations at his door and questioned when he does a half arsed job? Missing the television when dusting, I mean, he's just walked through the house dragging the duster behind him hasn't he. He hasn't tried to do a decent job. And that was the one single thing you asked him to do.
Does he ever do household jobs without you asking? Or do you have to ask and then take his anger and contempt?
Perhaps lockdown has just stopped you from busying yourself to gloss over what he was like all along. What do you want from this relationship going forward, and do you think realistically that he would be willing to compromise and actaully participate in all that "working at" that women seem to need to do? Because if the working at is one sided, it's just a woman fearfully pandering to and trying not to dissatisfy, anger and offend her husband lest he leave - with zero reciprocation from him. Does that sound like much of a life
for the woman? 🤔
I got into a similar rut with my DH last year, we were both grieving (still are but it’s not as sharp) but the disconnect was tangible to me, to him not so much.
Have you spoken to him about it? Not going straight in with the “do you love me anymore” but suggest you miss having conversations with him about something other than your DS (even though most of the conversations will be about DC when you’re parents). Do you have any TV shows you might both like? I suggested to my DH he watch Supernatural with me, just one episode a night (we both like that genre) when our twins are in bed, we both watch and talk about what we think might happen next or why we think it’s a good/bad episode. That opened things back up a bit between us and things have been improving since.
My DH is also a reader, he will pull a book out whenever he gets the chance and gets absorbed quickly, then if I speak to him he can react like my presence is not wanted, so I asked him to consider when he reads, if he wants some quiet time just to let me know (as I do with him because I’m just as bad if I decide to play a computer game in the evening).
Or does it seem like he’s more than happy to talk about things in relation to himself (such as the darts) but loses interest the moment you try to talk about something you’re interested in? There is a way back if he’s not checked out mentally which it sounds like he isn’t if he’ll happily talk about your DS with you and the conversation is natural.
Also, FWIW, I would react similarly (not saying it’s right) if my DH questioned one bit of my housework - but then I do the majority as the SAHM, but if I tidied and cleaned the living room as an example and he came in and said “did you do that bit there though because it looks like you missed it” I’d be a little miffed! My thought would be, well as I did the rest and maybe did miss that little bit, and it matters so much to you, why don’t you get the dust rag and do it yourself? Again, it’s not a great reaction but I do struggle not to let me emotions show clearly on my face, even if I think it for a short moment and then give myself a shake and realise said reaction was a bit disproportionate- he’d see the look on my face and probably be hurt by it too. (If that makes any sense? 😂).
I'm sure at the moment the lockdown situation etc doesn't help but I agree with you. He's not being very nice to you at all, and I think you asking him about the tv was done in the right way by you. Also, as you say about his attitude when you have a migraine. That's not love imo, sorry.
I don't think it was passive aggressive at all. I was in the bedroom and noticed the TV was thick with dust and I said in a soft and curious way, "did you dust the TV when you dusted?". It required a yes or no answer or even no I forgot or something. I don't see why I should see things he hasn't done and go and do them myself. It's not a fussy thing like cushions or the bed being made properly, that I don't care about, I'll correct things to my own standards and say nothing but it's dusting and he didn't do it and it was the only thing I had askedhim to do/he said he would do. I just think it's very childish to pull faces. If he had said no I didn't, I forgot, don't get on at me, that would have been better than an undermining face pull.
I do all the cooking and he will say the odd thing like did you put brown sauce in my bacon roll just as I'm away to serve it and I'm like yes I did or no, I'll put it in now. I don't pull a face and make him feel like shit for asking a question. I think if I had said to him you didn't dust that fucking TV like I asked, that would be nasty but just asking if he did isn't. He could very well have and it just got dusty again so at least I asked and didn't just start saying he didn't. I just think adults are above making faces and muttering behind each others backs. It shows a lack of respect and that isn't nice. I do a lot for my husband and my DS and I think he's showing himself as an ungrateful shit at the moment to be honest. Why would I want to get dressed up to impress a man that mimicked me behind my back and made me feel like crap?
He is the one that did wrong in my view. He is the one that needs to sort out his attitude and show a bit of respect. I'm never going to resign myself to being in a position where he doesn't do stuff and I just keep quiet and do it myself. If he doesn't do something, I will ask if it's been done. I'm sure if I never cooked his dinner, he'd soon be asking where it was and if I was making it. So if he said he was going to dust a bedroom and it looks like he hasn't done it, I'm quite within my rights to ask if he did it. That's better than going round the room and checking his work then saying you didn't do this, you didn't do that. I only bloody asked a question!
I think he needs to spend some time thinking about all the things I do, thinking how little I actually expect him to do things in his own house, how much I've made his life easier and realise that if I ask now and then if something was done, he can answer in a respectful way. I probably do need to be a bit more passionate with him, I know I do but he needs to cut this crappy behaviour out first before I can do that. It's like what came first, the chicken or the egg? His face pulling and muttering came first and that in turn has slowly killed off me wanting to be intimate with him because I feel so disrespected. It doesn't happen every day but I would say at least 3 or 4 times a month. I don't nag him either, I'll maybe ask him if he did something now and then. I ignore a few things and do them myself but if he's agreed or said he will do something, instead of undermining him and checking or assuming he didn't, I will just ask if he did it. There's other things he's muttered about or pulled faces at, things like one night he wanted a take away and I said ok what do you want to have? He said I don't know so I said ok, have a think and I will order it, I'll have whatever you want to have. 20 minutes later he hasn't thought of anything and I've made a few suggestions that he's said no to so I've said it's ok, I'll go and cook and he's sat there with a face on, like this jaw sticking out face on... it's not just when I 'nag'
Oh bugger I missed the updates OP - sorry didn’t see that your username had changed back, the muttering does suggest contempt I’m afraid.
So ignore my previous comment, would backing off about asking about him help you at all? Things can get fraught when in close quarters all the time, but he sounds (from the update) like a resentful teenager - I’d be quite sharp in this situation and call him out on it, every single time, calmly and away from your DS if possible, but every time. He has no right to mutter about you then claim he didn’t realise when that’s just a cover up for ‘I didn’t think you could hear me’.
And you’re right he needs to understand sharpish all the things you do to facilitate the life your family has.
Your OP basically describes housemates. You get on fine, annoy each other occasionally, but mainly you just do your own thing.
Do you sleep in the same bed? Do you have sex? Or is it a fairly platonic house?
As soon as women do all the childcare and housework they become doormats and dogsbodies and that is not attractive to men as you turn into their mums and your self esteem plummets. Never ever get into a situation where you end up doing the lion's share!! I tell all my daughters this.
You need to be more of a feminist! Have a meeting draw up a list of everything that needs to be done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis and get him to initial half.
Other threads can help you learn JADE techniques not to get angry but how to keep calm!
From them on you will be a team, can have fun doing things around the home and bring the fun back into the relationship as no one will be nagging anyone.
That's how our relationship works and we have been married for over 20 years. Getting the DC involved adds to the teamwork effort.
Every single unequal relationship like yours breaks down sooner or later due to one taking the other for granted and becoming more and more selfish so start taking time for yourself and find your value and he will too! Healthy relationships are give and take, not take, take, take.
It's not a fussy thing like cushions or the bed being made properly, that I don't care about, I'll correct things to my own standards and say nothing but it's dusting and he didn't do it and it was the only thing I had askedhim to do/he said he would do It sounds like an issue on both sides. The takeaway thing is just odd, why would he sit there expecting you to psychically know what to order then huff when you cook instead? Also he wanted a takeaway so why was it up to you to sit there, wait for him to choose what to have and then you order it?
On the other side of things -
It's not a fussy thing like cushions or the bed being made properly, that I don't care about, I'll correct things to my own standards and say nothing but it's dusting and he didn't do it and it was the only thing I had askedhim to do/he said he would do
that sort of jumped out to me. Are you actually going around correcting things like cushions to your standards? Because that’s what that implies.
Also the dusting of the TV thing - you obviously knew it wasn’t dusted because you saw it wasn’t so no matter how ‘soft’ or ‘curious’ your voice is that comes off as passive aggressive. If that’s a regular thing it would piss me off.
Just sounds like both of you are building up resentment against each other to me.
Well that post went wrong! Sorry OP! Hope you can decipher it.
@PicsInRed completely agree with everything you said. I’m shocked honestly that anyone could see OP was in the wrong for asking if he’d just done the one thing he was supposed to.
OP he sounds SO MUCH like a teenage boy, honestly if I had a 15 year old son who behaved like that I’d tell him it was unacceptable let alone a bloody grown man! 🤮
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