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Dh disclosed childhood abuse.(4 Posts)
I was abused as a child and this has severely impacted my life. DH has always, i felt, found it impossible to support or understand the consequences for me to the level of support i needed. Honestly i just thought it was lack of emotional intelligence or inability to imagine me being hurt perhaps, combination of the two maybe.
Tonight after a row because I said my nieces boyf was not to be alone with our dd, on a holiday we should have been on last month, he finally told me that he thinks he was abused. Has memories of being tied up as a small child by a young teen his parents used to send him to play with. He knows the boys name but cannot find any trace of him online and i think from the sounds of it his memory is fuzzy from trauma which has led him to believe it may not have happened and shut it out but this now makes huge sense to me.
Like the first time we had sex I asked if he wanted to be tied up (i was young, off the rails and thought risky sex was the only way to get someone to love me thanks to the csa) and he kind of freaked out.
He also gets panicked if tickled, the not being in control of touch and the involuntary response i think.
He also has huge anxiety- his main symptom is that he convinces himself someone isnt going to answer if he speaks to them. He's never understood it himself and gets frustrated as he is otherwise a very happy kind of person.
It feels like the bits i didn't understand of him are falling into place.
I want to support him, but he is still rejecting it some what. Its scary to say it out loud. Its taken me years. Especially if you don't fully remember or understand it. Easier to convince yourself you've got a fucked up imagination.
However this is triggering for me and I'm not sure how to balance this.
Any words appreciated.
Oh shit. @mnhq can you edit for a trigger warning please.
Can you ask him to go have therapy? And it may seem you have underlying issues from your past, so I would recommend you both getting therapy.
I've had therapy and have come to accept that i will never change my fear of men/ stress response to certain situations, and I am ok with this- in that i am able to remain logical and acknowledge when i am having intrusive thoughts or an unnecessary reaction to a normal interaction, but that it will not change and I have to ride the wave. I also prefer to remain hyper vigilant to keep dd as safe for as long as I have control to do so. Whilst also trying not to make her fearful of the world. Its a difficult, delicate and exhausting balance to remain.
I wish i hadn't had children for the immense pain loving someone in an unsafe world brings. But here I am.
And now this proves my point. No one is safe. Fucks sake. i am so sad and angry.
I am hoping dh will go to therapy but I'm also scared of him falling apart. I don't have the energy reserves left to carry him.
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