Only just married but husband has no interest

[sunflowery]

Just looking for some advice really.

Got married to DH last year. I’m now 27 and he’s 30. I’m struggling with the fact that he doesn’t seem to really be that interested in me, physically or mentally anymore.

We used to have lots of really in depth conversations about anything and everything, and he used to make it clear how much he was attracted to me.

But recently something just feels amiss. When we aren’t working (both WFH atm) he just wants to watch TV. I try to start conversations and I barely get any response. We just had dinner and watched some TV together and I cheerily asked him if he wanted to come and have a drink the garden with me and he just said ‘no thanks’ and took the remote. I’ve lost a fair bit of weight recently and I (feel really embarrassed about it now) sent him an underwear pic when he was downstairs the other day asking him to come up to bed and he just replied ‘lol won’t be long’. These kind of small rejections happen regularly and are starting to add up.

I’m starting to fantasise about starting again with someone who is crazy about me. It’s what I crave, and I feel like I’m too young to feel stuck in this kind of rut. I’ve got tears in my eyes just writing this. And I’ve tried talking to him about how unwanted I feel sometimes and he promises it’ll change but it never does. I feel awful but sometimes I think about my exes or starting again with someone else and it doesn’t feel like it would be wrong.

Please could someone give me some advice about how to fix this?

[cakecakecheese]

You can't fix it on your own. He needs to make some effort too. I had a marriage very similar to this, it didn't last because it takes two people to make a relationship work and he'd checked out.

[laidbacklife]

Cut your losses and go. This sounds like a dead end. Do not stay and have children with him - it will only get far worse!

[damnthatanxiety]

I'm always curious when men go like this. Don't heterosexual men generally want sex? Don't they generally choose sex over TV? I don't get it. It seems like such a common problem

[PicklePig31]

Oh darling... you can only control your half of the relationship and you haven’t done anything wrong.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him, if it doesn’t work, leave. You deserve, and will get, someone that adores you physically and mentally and will show you.

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

@damnthatanxiety

Drudgery. This is exactly what my marriage was like for years before we split. Can't be helped when one or both just totally loses interest in the other.

Everyone I spoke to about this suggesting counselling etc, but there's really no point when you know yourself your partner isn't what you want or need, and no amount of talking is going to bring back what you once felt for them.

Sad fact of life, but some men do just get so completely bored with having sex with the same partner for years on end that they totally lose interest and would rather just sit in front of the TV.

[AramintaLee]

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

[sunflowery]

I just know how the conversation will go because it feels like we’ve had mini versions of it so many times. He will suddenly turn on the emotion and tell me how much he loved me, list all the things he does for me and make me feel guilty for even bringing it up.

And on the surface he isn’t a bad husband by any stretch. He does do a lot for me practically, I suppose it’s just emotionally and intimately I feel abandoned. Everyone that knows us likes to tell me how much of a great guy he is and how much he adores me. So why don’t I feel that?

He just seems to have developed this complacency about everything as he’s got older.

I’ve felt so low tonight, just led up in bed while he watches yet more crap on the TV. I know I’d be naive to think that marriage would mean being wanted all of the time, but I shouldn’t feel unwanted as a rule should I

[EL8888]

This sounds familiar, my first husband did this. It didn’t get any better and we are now divorced. We got married and it was like he had checked out plus he thought he had to make no effort

[steppemum]

Is this a new thing? A change recently? or has this gradually just dropped away?

It sounds ot me like he is a bit depressed (sitting in front of TV all the time and I am wondering if he is struggling with the lock down.

It may be that he is adrift without going in to work for example.

I would want to explore what was going on a bit more before I cut my loses. We are in veyr strange times and I know that there are a lot of people stuggling with it. People deal with things differently. If this is newish and he is generally a bit given up on life, then it isn't really about you, it is about how he is coping.

[Opaljewel]

I would firstly suggest having a Frank conversation with him. Be honest about how you feel. And secondly suggest to him marriage counselling. Because it could help having a neutral person? If he doesn't agree to any of this or even talk to you about it then you know that you've tried. There is no shame in wanting a happy life. And if that means solo and divorced after a year so be it. Life is too short.

[TheSnootiestFox]

Go now. My husband was just like this - my wedding night took 3 months to happen it never got better no matter what I tried and I wasted a huge chunk of my life on him. He moved in with someone else 4 weeks after i ended it and he cant keep his hands of her. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear

[Pessismistic]

Is it a case of hes got you now he doesn't need to make an effort? Could he be depressed? If you have talked and hes not changed believe me you are heading into lonely street at such a young age it should be much more than this. If hes not depressed You need to be clear with him use me or lose me say your not ready for the brother /sister relationship you will end up like house mates. Do something sooner rather than later. I have this set up 18 years down the line and still trying fo DC sake. Good luck.

[CountFosco]

If it's pandemic related I'd have some sympathy but if the lack of interest predates that leave now. You can't give up on love at 27.

Either way do not get pregnant any time soon, that way you'll be tied to this man forever.

[sunflowery]

@steppemum I would say gradual. Lockdown has made it worse I think because I can’t throw my energy into work or planning our next holiday.

The thing is he claims to be fine with not going into work - says he’s enjoying the down time. He doesn’t seem depressed in a traditional sense although I could be wrong.

I will look into counselling thanks to those who have suggested it. Being divorced before I’m even 30 seems like such a frightening prospect

[KellyHall]

Either give him a clear ultimatum (being prepared for him to choose either option) NOW, or nothing will change.

I stayed when my dh was like this, we had dd and he got worse (verging on emotionally abusive). Eventually I gave him an ultimatum and it seemed to be the kick up the arse he needed, but, I feel sometimes I may have done it too late, like the damage was already done.

[steppemum]

I agree with others that you cannot continue like this. Sex is am important part of a relationship, and feeling attractive matters.

I am 53, and over weight with too many wobbly bit safter 3 kids. My husband still gets excited by me. That is how it should be.

But I would also make sure you give it your best shot. I have recently seen some really amazing changes in my friend's husband after marriage counselling. He has finally after many years changed in one or two key areas and it has made 100% difference. I think he needed someone else to say it, and then time to process.

[Samtsirch]

You have only been married a year, don’t give up yet.
Stress and anxiety can have negative effects on emotional availability and on sex drive.
Try to focus on talking and listening.

[LizLioness]

I was reading about languages of love, the theory is that everyone shows love and wants to be shown love in different ways. There are 5 different ways: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch

As you said he does lots for you, perhaps his 'love language', his way of showing his love for you, is the acts of service? But your love language sounds like you need the quality time and physical touch. It might be worth exploring that a bit further and discussing it together.. I know it helped me understand my husband's needs a bit more!

[NoProblem123]

Pack him up and move him on, NEEEXXXXT.

[sunflowery]

@LizLioness that is really interesting thank you! Will definitely read into that.

[sunflowery]

I’m so reluctant to just write the whole marriage off because he was my best friend before we got together and we’ve had some amazing times. But it doesn’t feel enough sometimes

[Lolliloo1234]

@sunflowery I was divorced by 26 and I’m not even 30 yet...it’s not so bad. My head didn’t explode, you do get some shitty comments off the older generation sometimes but it’s just their way.....and best part is I met someone else who is wonderful and I’m about to get married again. My best friend is also divorced at 28, her husband checked out too. She’s just grateful that she doesn’t have children so she can start again like me.

You will survive. It will be ok. Your husband being nice and helpful isn’t enough.

[Jammydodger6]

Have you ever indicated to him that you might leave if it doesn’t improve. That might kick him into shape and take you seriously

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about getting divorced, you're really just going back to the state you were in before you got married after all.

I'm still married btw years and years after the separation. Neither of us has the inclination to do anything about it, and neither of us could give a single shiny shite about what other people might say or think of it. It'll happen eventually one day, but it's way, way down the list of priorities, mainly because we both view it as largely inconsequential.

[Sunshinedu]

I suspect your husband may be watching a lot of porn and his sexual desire is been satisfied in his head.
This is a huge problem with males,society has normalised it but it’s toxic to relationships.
You’ve a long road ahead of you unless he changes his ways,be cautious with this as people rarely change unless something dramatic shifts them to.I do feel sorry for you as the first years of marriage are genuinely some of the best,you should be enjoying each others time not tv watching.