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Friend- how would you handle this...?

(6 Posts)
hls Wed 19-Sep-07 08:21:40

I have a friend who I have known for about 10 years- we used to work together but I left, and she works part time still. (We are both in our 50s with kids at uni etc). We kept in touch havinng a get together 3-4 times a year- I was always making a bit more of the running as she was very involved with charity work etc etc.
Well, for the pst 9 months she hasn't contacted me- last contact was when we bumped into each other in a supermarket last Xmas and I was recovering from a bad dose of losing my voice and it was my 1st time out- I was feeling rough and explained that- and couldn't stop to talk. I think ahe might have been miffed, but honestly can't see she was- at the time SHE was apologising profusely for not having contacted me for 6 months.....
Since then, I have left 2 phone messages, about a month apart- starting a couple of months back- as she hadn't contacted me. In the last message I told her of a mutual acquaintance who has died and thought she must phone now- but hasn't. I really don't know what to think. I suffer from great lack of confidence with friends, as they all seem to need me less than I need them- I havelots of friends with loads of other friends, and I know I am not top of their lists. It might be that she isjust very busy- but on the other hand I feel I have been dumped.
I don't know whether to write and ask what's up, or if that is just too heavy- should I phone again and leave another message saying I am puzzled not to have heard from her - or just leave it?

warthog Wed 19-Sep-07 08:37:31

i would leave it, and move on. otherwise you come across a bit desperate. sad think about it as a new opportunity.

1crazymumof2 Wed 19-Sep-07 08:49:43

I'am in a similar situation. I was good friends with a lady, we used to visit mums and tots together and speak on an almost daily basis, our husbands had been colleagues and we would all go out together etc.
After the birth of my Ds2 several things happened in my life i suffered with PND, i also had a 14 month old DS to look after, i found out my husband had been having an affair with a lady at work(none of my RL friends now about this), and my DH almost died from meningitis. Of course i did'nt feel like going out or returning calls.

My friend stopped calling or popping in, i saw her in town a few times and she looked straight through me she was often v.cold and would come out with statements like 'i knew such and such would get pnd, not about me may i add'. When i felt strong enough and after a few glasses of wine grin i sent her a text message apologising for not being in contact but i had been depressed etc.

I knew she'd recieved the message because she told people that my dh had meningitis,but she never responded. When i returned to mums and tots with another friend her jaw fell open, that said shes always been civil and we've chatted a few times but its strained.

I found out yesterday through a friend that she is getting divorced from her dh, he was being very controlling, being nasty to their dc's, and also bringing up some very personal issues and throwing them in her face. I guess what i'm trying to say is don't automatically presume the reason why shes not contacted you. Its clear to me now that this lady was struggling herself, and could not possibly have given me support when she was suffering herself.
Try sending a little card saying that you're well overdue meeting up for dinner, you miss her and would love it if she got in contact.

hls Wed 19-Sep-07 08:54:32

Thanks-I agree with both of you!
Last time I saw this person she was explaining that her daughter had been diagnosed with depression - so things may not be good at home. She also has an elderly mother who wasn't too good- so anything could have happened there. I know she has also taken on my voluntary work and will be really pushed for time. HOWEVER- it doesn't take long to return a phone call if you really want to see that person or keep in touch.
What worries me too is that when I was having real problems with my teenage kids she gave me alt of support- and I worry that now we are out of all of that, she might feel i "used" her- but on the other hand, I am making the effort, and she isn't!

Why is life so complicated?

WotsZePoint Wed 19-Sep-07 08:55:51

I think you should move on, a few friends are forever, some come and go. 10 years is a good lifespan for a friendship that you only have contact with every few months or so. We can all change a lot in 10 years without knowing it and our friends do too.

Agree with other posts, things happen in other peoples lives you just don't know about or that they just don't want to share.

1crazymumof2 Wed 19-Sep-07 09:07:06

Hls, i understand how you feel in respect to not wanting the person to feel you've used them.This lady was also very good to me, she looked after Ds1 and was going to have him for me when i went into labour.
I would love to be able to be there for her now, its obviously going to be a hard time for her. I think when its more public knowlege i will send her a card saying i'm sorry i judged her harshly and i'am always there if she needs me.
I also agree with the other points raised, theres no point flogging a dead horse smile
so i suppose its up to you to decide how important this friendship is to you.

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