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How to know he won't cheat again?

(45 Posts)
kirstie91 Fri 15-May-20 11:16:18

I know this can be quite a controversial topic on here.
I've read a few similar threads lately and I am going through something similar, but this is my first post about it, however I have NC.

I caught DP using an adult porn website. It's not simple porn (I have no issue with that) but where you can talk to other women. Now, it is completely free like an adult website, he's never paid etc. and it's a bit like sexting as well as talking about your relationship. People admit if they're married etc.

DP has used it on and off through about half of our relationship whenever times were tough or I suppose when he felt like it.

When I caught him he became completely clean. He told me more than I would have ever found out to help me process and a weird part of me feels better.

Whilst the sexting and the deceitful behaviour makes it cheating, the fact it never crossed into real life makes me feel somewhat better. He could have easily cheated in real life and is a young attractive man, but he even said he felt like he was less guilty and didn't have to let it play on his conscience as much because it was online under a fake name, a fake description.

A small part of me feels it's like interactive porn. It's horrible and I am devastated, but I think I could forgive it.

He has always been transparent with his phone and I've never had any doubts of real life cheating, but I have always had my suspicions with something on the internet.

DP's approach does seem new, he does seem genuine, but I am just wondering how to proceed.
I don't feel that devastated anymore, I feel hurt and anxious some of the time, but I am not as angry or feeling as betrayed as I'd expect. I somewhat understand the escapism aspect.

So I suppose I wonder if there is a chance to move on and get over it? I think I could if he never did it again but how do I know he wouldn't? If times get tough or something bad happens, he could fall into the same behaviour.

He's agreed to counselling.

Any advice from people who have been through something similar?

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Fri 15-May-20 11:23:33

For me, I think it would kind of revolt me. Many would consider it cheating which technically it is, but I get the point on he didn’t actually meet up so more a virtual fantasy,

But I’d be revolted if my husband was doing that and I’m not sure I’d get past that revulsion.

I don’t have an issue with porn as such, but sexting with real women is a bit too far for me. If indeed they were women. Could he actually see them? Could they see him? How far did it go?

PicsInRed Fri 15-May-20 11:24:22

The problem is that there is a type of man who will beg your forgiveness but then devalue you further for what he perceived as your stupidity and lower "catch" value for forgiving him. It's a bit of a catch 22. Dump or take back ... and have lower value and be treated worse and worse, punished, for your forgiveness.

AnyFucker Fri 15-May-20 11:32:49

Well, it's just pathetic isn't it ?

My respect for a man so led by his dick would plummet beyond redemption if I discovered this about him

Why do women measure their own worth against this kind of male behaviour ? Look at the perpetrator, not yourself, and ask if this is someone you want to share your precious life with

CiarCel Fri 15-May-20 12:04:54

A lot of people are 'led by their dick' - as a conditioned reflex - with compulsive masturbation and porn when they are overwhelmed by something they don't want to feel (scared, dejected, lonely etc) and want to deny and escape it. If he actually uses his own personal counselling to understand what he was feeling and why, and less harmful (and it is harmful to you and your relationship) ways of handling these feelings, then there is hope that he wouldn't do it again. That is not a 'oh poor thing let him of the hook' perspective - frankly he needs to put in a lot of work and self-discovery because he of course has also crossed a further line in 'sexting' other women and has treated you and your relationship with complete disrespect in doing that - he's been selfish and immature in spending that time 'escaping' with other women rather than working through his problems with you. This could be the time he learns to grow up and become a man and a man worthy of you. Or he could just do a bit of superficial work on himself - you say his approach already seems 'new' but that's not hard at this stage - and not actually develop much at all.

You need your own personal counselling to in order to process what is going on with you and what you want and need from a grown-up partner in life. You will move on from this, for sure... the question is whether you move on with him or on your own. Take your time to work out what is best for you.

Skyla2005 Fri 15-May-20 12:14:07

Whatever led him to start using these services needs to be talked about and resolved otherwise he will carry on Try and find out what he was missing to feel the need to do this and work on ways to overcome it. I think lots of men turn to porn when their sex life dwindles and the wife doesn’t realise because she’s not thinking about it so much as a man does. Not saying his any way justified to use porn atall it would be far better to communicate with their wives about what’s missing for them but I think they bury their head rather than address things and talking Things would need to change for him to stop I think or he will just go back to his old habits. Definitely blocking adult content through the router and on his phone would be a good start to showing you his serious about changing Good luck

GilbertMarkham Fri 15-May-20 12:17:09

He could have easily cheated in real life and is a young attractive man ..

Yeah and I bet you are an attractive woman too, and could easily cheat (far far easier for women most of the time too) but you haven't been on a site like this, acting like this while in a serious relationship.

Why is it up to.you to absorb the pain, and desk with it, forgive it and accept it .. it's a fundamental unequality. It's one person accepting shit behaviour (cheating really even if not physical) while the other doesn't have to.

GilbertMarkham Fri 15-May-20 12:17:46

Also he wasn't telling you and would t have told you anything if you hadn't caught him.

GilbertMarkham Fri 15-May-20 12:18:42

*deal with it

MarieQueenofScots Fri 15-May-20 12:19:28

I think I could if he never did it again but how do I know he wouldn't?

You don’t. You can’t ever know what another person will do.

The best you can do is hope he won’t do it again, but I am sure you can do better than that.

HollowTalk Fri 15-May-20 12:22:33

I think that sort of thing is highly addictive, OP, so I'd be amazed if he just stopped because you told him to.

kirstie91 Fri 15-May-20 12:22:42

The point with the real life thing - he could cheat in real life, he sometimes goes out etc, but he just hasn't (that I know of and I don't suspect he has) - an easy kiss on the dancefloor.

I could also easily cheat and I am a huge flirt which sometimes makes me wonder if we are all just different in our forms of escapism and validation.

I read all of the messages (that are available, the website is pretty basic and not well developed so doesn't store too much, only a certain about of data) they were weird, it made me feel like he was a bit pathetic, but ultimately it reassured me.
For example, if they asked for his number he always said no. He wouldn't tell them any real identifiable things. They also weren't based in England a lot of them where we live.

There's no pictures/videos, it's kind of like reading a live porn book.

There's a huge chance the people are men posing as women as well as bots.

He didn't sit there, sext and wank over it which I know, because we have some strict rules in the house about phones because I hate being on them all the time. He did it when out of the house, so no opportunity to wank, he said he kind of stored the information and thought about it later. I suppose a 'wank bank' style situ.

OP’s posts: |
kirstie91 Fri 15-May-20 12:23:50

@HollowTalk this is my thoughts, I think it is addictive because it's instant validation from strangers. Attention he so craves.

OP’s posts: |
chelsiekxoxo Fri 15-May-20 12:26:24

How can you be sure he’s never physically cheated? Speaking to other women especially in a sexual manner is definitely a form of cheating. If he can do that behind your back, who’s to know what else he’s done and hid. I wouldn’t trust him .

CiarCel Fri 15-May-20 12:29:42

How did you 'catch' him?

3rdNamechange Fri 15-May-20 12:29:42

If he craves attention he'll do it again. Not sure if you've got children but if you have them he'll miss out on attention and have an affair.

kirstie91 Fri 15-May-20 12:37:14

@chelsiekxoxo I can't really, but in the same way no one else can truly know their other halves haven't. There's just absolutely no change in behaviour etc. He is always where he says he is, when he isn't at work he is with me, he's never had an odd text, message, social media useage etc.

He could have cheated obviously, but in my psychoanalysis of him (lol) I think it's about feeling wanted more than sexual drive. I am attractive and our sex life is frequent and always has been.

I was hoping for something more constructive than 'he will cheat'

OP’s posts: |
CuppaZa Fri 15-May-20 12:40:30

So would he be ok with you sexting other men?
In answer to your question, the only thing for certain you KNOW is that he will do it again. It’s hi ‘kink’. His ‘thing’. It’ll never stop. Next time though, you will be more heartbroken

Menora Fri 15-May-20 12:43:10

The reason people are saying he will cheat is because at some point this online ego boost will not be enough. He will need something more or stronger or more intense to fill his need. So he may have used this as a gateway testing out how he enjoys it then move on to something even more exciting
Someone who has a big hole in their emotions like this always needs something to fill it and often 1 partner is never enough

Menora Fri 15-May-20 12:47:28

You are also risking your own happiness here to excuse away someone who values their own sexual/ego needs more than he values the relationship between you. He’s willing to put it at risk to enjoy what he wants

nancyjuice7 Fri 15-May-20 12:48:59

How does he, or you, know if any of those people were adults?

Not children being forced to enter these chats in the hope it leads to webcams/paid video footage.

I'm my line of work I see this 100 times a day and the majority of the men started off with "adult" or so they thought were "adult" conversations.

It would repulse me and I would find it worse than him seeking a conversation with an adult woman he knew rather than just a sex object online.

Devlesko Fri 15-May-20 12:54:10

he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong though, or he wouldn't have done it in the first place.
Counselling won't change him into the person you want him to be.
I think you either turn a blind eye or separate, he won't stop unless he feels he needs to.
He'll just make it harder for you to find.

kirstie91 Fri 15-May-20 12:54:26

@nancyjuice
Of course he can't know that, I even said this.

But I read the conversations, they aren't that way inclined. They tend to be other married people wanting to escape for a bit.

There was one conversation where the person asked to speak to him on another site and he just said no.
Anyone who ever mentioned money he said no to.
Anyone who was less than a few years younger he also said no to.

So that is not my concern. I also didn't really find the words that gross or even that off putting.
I am quite open when it comes to peoples differences in relationships and also how humans work, for example open marriages.

He actually doesn't really mind me doing anything - he's never really stopped me doing anything or talking to men etc but I'm not someone who would want to sext. I am more emotional.

He said he will go to therapy and found a therapist and spoken to him to arrange an appointment after lockdown. I'd prefer speaking in person than the video calls they offer.

My thought process was if he's willing to understand why then he can stop?

OP’s posts: |
kirstie91 Fri 15-May-20 12:56:14

@devlesko of course he knows what he was doing was wrong or he wouldn't have hid it. He admits it's disgusting. He said he felt panicky when he did it and he knew I'd be upset. I think he expected me to be far more upset than I am.

A part of me doesn't even see it as that bad having been on the website and read it. I just wouldn't want to be with him if he does it again.

OP’s posts: |
nancyjuice7 Fri 15-May-20 13:00:37

I think you need to go to therapy or he does i Initially as the thrill of this risk taking behaviour is addictive.

I would think it wasn't that he fancied someone's looks, or saw someone at work and thought they were funny and attractive and then tried to chat them up.
He has been speaking to people he has no idea who they are or what they look like purely for a sexual conversation.
In a standard "affair", or one night stand there may be some emotion or attraction involved.
I would be worried that he can disconnect the two so much

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