Female friends/jealousy/trust issues

[Wolfie11]

My partner of 4 years recently moved 400 miles away for a new job. Very ‘niche’ field, fantastic job that will massively further his career. I completely understand why he took the job but there’s no way I can follow him for the foreseeable due to family commitments. We are looking at long term long distance which so far, seems to be working out fairly well.

My biggest issue is that I have realised I have some pretty bad jealousy issues when it comes to other woman. They’ve surfaced slightly before as my partner’s job had always meant he works closely with other woman, lots of female clients plus he had mainly female friends, very few male friends (mainly exes actually). It was never a massive issue as I actually knew most of them due to working in the same field.

However, now he has moved and had started his new job, I am completely overcome with irrational trust issues and jealousy regarding his new female colleagues. He gets on extremely well with them, especially one in particular who massively looks up to him and regularly contacts him out with working hours. Mainly relating to work issues as far as I am aware but I do think the lines are blurred as she will contact him about non urgent things at 10 pm on a weekend, for example. He obviously really likes her as a person and professionally. I didn’t think this would bother me that much but I’ve started to realise that when lockdown is over it’s likely that they will have a friendship outside of work.

This massively bothers me and it bothers me even more that I would let this bother me! He has never cheated on me as far as I am aware but I would say he can be overly friendly/flirty in general with women. Plus the lack of commitment in our relationship does make me feel a bit insecure. He did have an affair in a past relationship which is pretty close to the situation we are in now. He moved away for work and started sleeping with one of his female colleagues whilst his girlfriend thought she was a friend. He is adamant he would never do that again.

I feel utterly pathetic and ridiculous being jealous of a girl who I have never met. Has anyone ever managed to resolve these kind of trust/jealousy issues without ending the relationship or does anyone have any advice? I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I don’t want to be that kind of woman.

[bunbunbun]

It's really tough.

I'd say with the benefit of a couple of difficult relationships, because I have a tendency to be anxious about being cheated on again I couldn't be with someone who I knew had cheated on an ex with someone they let them think was just a friend. That's not a mistake, that's an ability to repeatedly lie convincingly while pretending to be in a monogamous relationship.

Now, I wouldn't be with someone with that past. Not because I don't think people can change but because their values in the past would make me worry they wouldn't change and life's too short to start off even feeling like you're on the back foot.

[MsDogLady]

I don’t want to be that kind of woman.

The problem is, he has form for being ‘that kind’ of man, moving away and and duping his gf. I wonder if he ever worked on himself in counseling to examine his character flaws and the external triggers that led him to lie and cheat.

I would feel uncomfortable with his flirty ways and his developing relationship with this woman outside of work. Weekend calls at 10:00 p.m.? It appears he may still have weak boundaries and a sense of entitlement to pursue ego boosts. Personally, I wouldn’t stick around to find out.

[rvby]

Please dont stay with someone who makes you insecure. That way madness lies.

[Wolfie11]

Thanks for replying. I don’t see how I can get rid of these insecure feelings without getting rid of him really. I’ve lost so much confidence and it’s making me so stressed and anxious. I feel like I’m just waiting for it to happen. I just wish I could be the kind of woman who has tonnes of confidence and wouldn’t be fussed about other woman. I also wish I could trust him but no matter how much I want to there just seems to be something in the back of my mind telling me not to. I can’t work out if that’s because of my own issues or because of him.

[inmyshedsmoking2000]

He's done it before and he'll do it again.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Doesn’t matter how much confidence you have, if you’re with a flirty man who surrounds himself with women, craves the attention and energy of multiple women, has close friendships with new women with blurry boundaries, and has cheated before, it just stands to reason you’re uncomfortable.

It would take disassociation on your part and to ignore your own thoughts and instincts to not care about this - not more confidence.

[GilbertMarkham]

I don't think your "insecurity" or worry is unjustified.

He's cheated on a partner before.

He seems to like having a rotation/soft harem of women around him.- even if it's just for attention etc.

He's flirty and has poor boundaries.

He doesn't sound like good partner material at all, let alone long distance partner material.

Would he be fine and dandy if you were acting like this with your exes, male friends, male work colleagues and clients etc.? Esp if you'd cheated on a previous dp with one.

[GilbertMarkham]

Doesn’t matter how much confidence you have, if you’re with a flirty man who surrounds himself with women, craves the attention and energy of multiple women, has close friendships with new women with blurry boundaries, and has cheated before, it just stands to reason you’re uncomfortable.

This poster has summarised and expressed what I was trying to say perfectly.

[GilbertMarkham]

I don't think it's (entirely) about confidence either.

His behaviour is making you uncomfortable and it would make many women (and men in the reverse position) uncomfortable. It's not about people's confidence, of lack of.

Being uncomfortable with poor boundaries and flirtation is not a lack of confidence.

[GilbertMarkham]

Esp when you know they have form for tipping over into an affair/cheating on their partner.

[Honeybee85]

Difficult one OP.

You sound like a very relaxed person, a lot of women would already have trust issues before he moved away for work. It might be that this situation has triggered this reaction from you (jealousy) because of what you know about this past. It's also a very real possibility that it's your gut feeling trying to tell you something. I knew my ex was cheating when he was more then a 1000 miles away from me, my intuition was telling me he was and later it came out I was unfortunately right about this.
In your shoes I wouldn't tell him anything but try to look in his phone /go through his email if you can. I hope you won't find anything suspicious but I'd definetly check if I were you. Good luck OP

[Skyla2005]

I think you would be best ending the relationship for now because of the way your feeling. It won’t get any better for you it will probably just make you worse. Your better off moving in with your life where your are. 400 miles is too far to see each other enough for your anxiety to be kept under control Maybe in the future you could come back together but for now I think for your mental health it’s best left Good luck

[WickedlyPetite]

He moved away for work and started sleeping with one of his female colleagues whilst his girlfriend thought she was a friend. He is adamant he would never do that again

Uh huh, of course he is. Did he swear on someone's life by any chance?

I have bucketloads of confidence, I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.

[bunbunbun]

Remember OP it's ok to have boundaries.

You sound desperate to play the 'cool girlfriend' who is fine with her boyfriend having female friends.

But let's dissect this.

I (as in literally me) have been cheated on before with my exes saying I was unreasonable and they were just a friend, before I found out the truth.

It's natural I am more anxious than other people therefore about my partners female friends.

I am bisexual so totally aware that you can be platonic friends with either sex, but as mentioned have a cause driven anxiety about this which I am conscious of.

Therefore I am with someone I love the bones of who doesn't have form for overstepping boundaries or cheating, let alone with 'friends' in past relationship.

Because I have been aware of my boundaries and anxieties throughout, I am fine with my boyfriend having female friends.

I would not be in a long term relationship with someone I knew had cheated, because it would ramp my anxiety up unnecessarily and I would be concerned our values didn't align.

You aren't this anxious just because you're insecure, your this anxious because you are (understandably) insecure already AND have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who has a proven track record of behaving in the way you fear most.

He may never do it again, but it's ok for you to think that his ability to do so before impacts your mental health enough this isn't a healthy relationship for you.

I used to be an addict when I was very young. I'm recovered, but if someone had been with an addict before and was traumatised by it and therefore didn't want to try and move forward in a relationship with me just on the chance i may one day relapse then I would absolutely respect and understand that.

Don't be with someone whose causes you a level of fear and dread that you'll end up betrayed with your self esteem in tatters. Life is too short for that shit.

[Gobbycop]

I don't think your feelings are at all irrational.

The fact he's got form for it is enough to be concerned about.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

I agree with PP. I've had form and I'd be feeling the same. What's the end game for you both? You say there is lack of commitment and after 4 years you would think there was a plan to take things further. I'd rather end something like this and find someone else for committed, not a cheat and not needing women around him all the time.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

Adding here due to autocorrect fail above.

I meant he's got form (Not I've got form!!)

[Vamoosh]

I’ve been there with a flirty man that had cheated on previous partners and he said to me how awful he felt and he’d never cheat on anyone again. I was always insecure and anxious and then 3 years later I found him in bed with another woman. You’re feeling insecure because he’s given you reason to feel that way. Like you said, you’re just waiting for it to happen. I’m now with DH and I can honestly say he has never once made me feel insecure, I’ve figured out I wasn’t an insecure person, it was my ex that made me feel that way.

[RandomMess]

I would end it, his past tells you a lot and 400 miles for a long time, he certainly put himself before the relationship.

[AramintaLee]

I'm going to go against the grain and not tell you to leave him. You've been with him for 4 years so it's not some short term thing. Also you said he moved for a fantastic opportunity, you understand why and that long distance is working for you. So far, so good.

I totally understand why you feel insecure and it's because of that sneaky little voice in our head telling us we're going to be betrayed. Sometimes it's like this self defence mechanism where we end up telling ourselves it's all going to go to shit and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to understand where these insecurities come from. Have you been cheated on in the past? Has he cheated on an ex in the past? Okay, so he flirts... so do most people. Some people are natural flirts, it doesn't mean they're going to cheat.

My advice would be to talk to him. Calmly lay out your concerns and insecurities. They may be irrational but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be heard. Perhaps there's some way he can help reassure you?

Good luck!

[bunbunbun]

Oof I somehow forgot about the start of your OP - he's moved 400 miles away after 4 years together? I think for me that would be a make or break.

If it was a great career move for him then I would have wanted to move too to build a life there together after four years. If it felt ok to move so far apart after four years then I would think the relationship had come to a natural conclusion.

Long distance long term is a huuuuge commitment that tests even the strongest of couples with no form for anxiety or cheating, let alone couples where both those things are present.

Are you falling victim to sunk cost fallacy a bit perhaps OP?

[searchaway]

He’s got form. Why and how did this job come about? Why 400 miles away? Did he instigate that search? For somebody to deliberately and consciously move that far from their partner is a bit strange in my opinion. He’s breaking up with you by stealth and cowardly way. He’s breaking it off without having to do the hard bit! I’m sorry but this seems like nonsense to me. Ok, good opportunity but there must be other opportunities closer to you, he’d wait until you were free to go with him or he’d take a pay hit to stay within an hours drive of you. None of this adds up I’m afraid and you really need to start building up your life outside of him

[searchaway]

Now he’s moved, are you the one contacting him? If you don’t text or call does he instigate contact with you? Seems interesting that he’s formed a quick close relationship with another woman. Most people wouldn’t do that if they’re committed to somebody else. How would he feel if another guy started messaging you at 10pm on a weeknight and how do you know about this woman and when she is texting? He’s telling you that?! Weird and not normal