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Not sure my marriage will survive lockdown(7 Posts)
Is anyone else feel like their relationship is really struggling during lockdown?
My husband and I have been together for over 14 years and married for 8 and we have 2 kids at home who are 13 & 8. We don't really argue and on the whole things tick along just fine. Like the rest of the world being shut in together 24/7 at the moment means that we are all getting on top of each other but as the weeks go on I feel I like him less and less.
Over the past few weeks, he has been so hard to live with. He is snappy with both myself and our 2 kids and they are both starting to feel the effect of this. He is self-employed and is understandably worried about money and if/when his business will be able to start back again. However, he does have savings that will pay his half of the bills for at least 1 year but is adamant that he does not want to use this money. I don't work, but have a pension that I receive every month that more than covers my half of the outgoings (I was medically retired from my previous job)
He applied for and was offered and work from home call centre type job last week which would have more than covered his side of things but knocked it back because he didn't think the pay was enough and he didn't want to have to work 6 days per week.
We ended up having an argument a few days ago where he told me that if he has to get a job I should too, then he can cover his bills with the money he earns and I can use any earnings to help him pay back any savings that he has already had to use to cover his half of the bills. Whilst I have no objection to getting a job I don't think I should have to top up his savings as I wouldn't expect him to do this if the shoe was on the other foot. Especially given he has spent over £1000 in the last 3 weeks on crap that he doesn't actually need!
All of this on top of being shut in is really stressing me out, and I am struggling to stay upbeat for the sake of the kids. This isn't helped when my OH is constantly on at everyone! The kids are lazy because they aren't doing anything except watching TV or playing their tablet (they are doing the work set by their school and I take them out for walks, bake with them etc) He is apparently sick of seeing us "just sitting about doing f-all" when he is stressed about making money and I have been told I am a waste of oxygen because I retired last year and have done "nothing productive" since. He knows he upset me, and he did apologise but frankly, I don't think that's good enough.
Another thing that gets to me is that he seems to be constantly on our sons back telling him he is lazy and lacks ambition. He is 13 and a typical teen who is only interested in computer games but he does his
I can barely look at him at the moment, and I can't bear him touching me. Despite knowing I was upset after the argument he still thought it was appropriate when we were in bed to try to initiate sex! I brushed him off but just wanted to scream at him to f*&k off.
I know this is a tough situation for all involved, and there are 2 sides to every story so he maybe sees things differently from me but I have found myself wondering this marriage is worth working on. I don't know if the situation is making me super sensitive and when things return to normal everything will be ok, or if maybe I just don't actually want to be married to him anymore.
He'd have to have a personality transplant before he'd be worth staying with. That's a disgusting way for him to behave.
Suggesting you get a job to top up his savings stood out to me - what is he up to and saving for?
As for the relationship as a whole, it is a stressful time right now with all of this lockdown and uncertainty - especially for self employed. Perhaps wait and see what things are like after lockdown before making any long term decisions.
He says his savings are for his retirement. He’s 46, so it’s not like he will be retiring anytime soon!
Does he have a pension other than the state one? Is he feeling vulnerable and insecure about the future and resentful of your security? He seems desperate to have his own pot of money. It is a very worrying time for the self-employed. I don't think you have to make any hasty decisions.
Why should you have to get a job to top up his savings? That doesn’t make sense. Your pension is covering your half. What you do with your time (as long as you are paying your way) is your business! Surely? He got offered a job and turned it down. Now he wants you to get a job? Why does he get to say no to a job but you have to get one? None of that sits right. I’d have a huge problem with him being on everybody’s backs. It sounds controlling. All of this is hard enough. They can’t see their friends. This is a really shit time. He’s making it harder. He needs to keep his mouth shut and his opinions to himself. If he doesn’t like how things are run in the house then go live somewhere else. You’ve got to make the best of this crap time in history. So if that means flopping on the sofa under duvets and watching back to back Star Trek with your kids then do it! He’s sucking any joy out. I couldn’t put up with it. He needs to sort himself out or take his bad attitude somewhere else. Then expecting sex! What a prick.
His attitude towards the kids will affect them into adulthood of he doesn't stop. Try and protect your kids from this behaviour.
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