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Should we break up?

(3 Posts)
MyLoveIsAPrickOnATudorRose Thu 14-May-20 22:00:33

Hi all,

Things are really tough for us all at the moment, and I hope you're all doing as well as possible smile I'm here asking for advice wondering whether or not to break up with my BF as we seem to be finding all this particularly hard (aren't quarantining together)

Background is my BF has severe ADD and I have a mood disorder (stop me there right? already a disaster!) and I've found the lack of consistency in his behaviour really hard to deal with. I try not be clingy or needy but I'll admit I am sometimes and the whole word-falling-apart thing has definitely ramped up my anxiety and I'm wondering whether to break it off for my own sanity.

He doesn't seem to know what he wants. He's very hot and cold, doesn't like to think about a future and has said he's averse to relationships because they're too emotionally demanding for him and his attention and focus is so bad he can't deal with it. We have so much fun when we're together but apart he's not great at contacting me first, although he does try. We are both also dealing with recent tragedy in the time of Covid. I guess writing it out makes it plain even as I type but, you know, love apparently makes you really, really stupid.

We've both behaved in not-great ways since this started but seem pretty committed to trying to see it through, but both of our mental health has taken a massive battering - I know everyone's has. I'll completely put my hands up to going nuts with stress for a couple of weeks during April, I've been overly analytical and needed reassurance and he's been defensive and withdrawn contact and affection. I've started feeling like it's just my fault we've been rowing (because mental illness, I must automatically be a black hole need monster, obviously) and I can't have any emotional needs around him (like a phone call) in case it spooks him. I hate that I'm starting to feel crazy for needing to talk to my boyfriend once a day, but that's normal right? Especially at the moment when we're separated and we're both dealing with hard things?

He says the right things when he remembers, but they're the kind of things you say to someone you're really into, and he doesn't seem invested in acting on them any further anymore. He even said to me he basically schedules contact to when it's convenient for him. I get that he needs boundaries around my mental health stuff, especially as it's been rocky during lockdown, that's safe and sane and I don't expect him to be there for me all the time...but I'm feeling like I just have to be happy and cheerful and have no needs at all. He said he needed space recently (and then he broke it chatting to me!) and now I feel like I'm on eggshells even trying to clarify what he wants. I can't ask because he gets annoyed and says he's tired of talking about it. I feel smaller and stupid.

Is it me?

OP’s posts: |
formerbabe Thu 14-May-20 22:03:18

Sounds like hard work to me

Relationships should at least be fun initially

BackseatCookers Thu 14-May-20 22:36:25

Read your post back to yourself - your relationship isn't working.

It's awful and shit when that happens but it is having a negative impact on your mental health because you're using up so much energy obsessing over the relationship and trying to regulate your feelings about it.

That isn't leaving any room for you to have a healthy attitude to anything else in your life at the moment.

I have bipolar disorder and have learned the hard way that my mental health is hugely impacted by relationships and vice versa.

You can't "happy relationship" your way out of your mental health issues and it's really important not to put (whether consciously or subconsciously) the weight of your mental health onto your partner.

I'm rambling but basically it sounds like you would be happier and healthier focusing on yourself at the moment - it shouldn't be this hard.

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