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Should I break up with my boyfriend?

(23 Posts)
Wilsonskye14 Thu 14-May-20 17:01:34

I’m considering breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We just got engaged in December, but for some reason I’m just not into the relationship anymore.
I still love him, but something just feels off, like I’m not fulfilled the way I want to be.
He doesn’t do anything too wrong that warrants this. I mean, I know from the way he looks at me that he loves me and he’s happy with me.
I don’t question that for a minute.
But there’s a lot of things that have made me feel the way I’m feeling.
For one, I’m catching myself missing being single (I’m only 24 now mind you, he’s 25). For almost 5 years before I started dating him I was single, but I was insanely depressed so I never got to get out and go do what I wanted to do. I’m not so depressed now, I have a decent paying job, I’m more confident in myself, etc.
Also, I just feel like although my boyfriend loves me, I feel like he’s just staying with me out of convenience or he’s mistaking his love for me as something more than it is.
We only have sex maybe once a week or once every other week. He doesn’t cuddle with me or show me a lot of affection. Since we started dating we don’t even share the same blanket.
I’m the only one actually making money. He doesn’t ask me for much but I’m always giving to him, and it’s never really reciprocated. And not to mention, I live at my parents house because I just got done with college, he moved in, and he just doesn’t do anything to contribute.
I’ve felt this way on and off for the past year. When I felt this way last year I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore, he left, and the minute he left it didn’t feel right. I felt like I should’ve stayed with him so we got back together the next day.
We had 2 dogs together, but sadly one of our dogs just died of kidney failure. Neither of us are taking it well, which is making how I’m feeling worse.
Not only that, but I’m feeling how I’m feeling and when he looks at me or talks to me he’s smiling and seems happy for the most part so it makes how I’m feeling insanely guilty.
I don’t believe he loves me like he thinks he does. He might not be an affectionate guy, but I want an affectionate guy. He doesn’t show it at all. The most he does is stick his face in my face and while some might think this is cute, it’s actually annoying. I don’t really like anyone in my face period. I’ve asked him not to and to do other things but he won’t, he just persistently puts his face in mine.
I feel like I’m being picky but I don’t know.
I don’t have a single person to talk to about this. I try talking to my mom and she tells me to just stop thinking that way and stay with him. But it’s consuming my every thought now.
I’m sorry if this is confusing.
What should I do? Should I stay with him? Am I being paranoid or overthinking? Please help.

OP’s posts: |
MikeUniformMike Thu 14-May-20 17:04:32

Can you see yourself still with him in 50 years' time?

HollowTalk Thu 14-May-20 17:10:55

Why isn't he earning anything?

You are so young. He's your starter love affair. It's time to move on. You panicked when he left last time (where did he go to?) so you'll need to get your friends to help you not to do that this time. You've a whole life ahead of you - make a start on it now.

jellyon Thu 14-May-20 17:35:20

It’s sound like you are only staying out of guilt. You are young and deserve to be single, explore, date, party, have fun and find out what you truly want from life.

His feelings are not your responsibility! You do what is best for you and don’t ever feel guilty for that smile

Wilsonskye14 Thu 14-May-20 18:48:53

Sometimes I see myself with him, sometimes I don’t. I’ve never been so conflicted in my life. He doesn’t make any money because he’s the type who doesn’t want a job he knows he won’t like. Which i understand. But we’re adults, we’ve got to make a living somehow and he’s just not caring.
He’s too comfortable with me. My friend once told me “He’s got the girl of his dreams and now that he has her, he’s not going to try anymore.” I’m not saying he’s not entitled to be comfortable around me, I encourage that. It’s that he’s too comfortable, he puts little effort into our relationship. Yeah he bought me a ring and all that, but it’s more of an emotional than a material issue for me.
It’s really hard too because he’s a recovering drug addict (sober for over 2 years) and I’m afraid of him going back to that lifestyle because of me. That and I’m afraid of where he’d go or who he’d stay with if he left. I don’t want anything bad happening to him. I care about him so much, but I just see him as my friend lately, not my boyfriend.

OP’s posts: |
Wilsonskye14 Thu 14-May-20 18:50:05

And I’ve told him how I’ve felt, but there’s been little to no change.

OP’s posts: |
Fairycake2 Thu 14-May-20 18:56:58

Definitely don't marry him if you are having so many doubts.

Bananalanacake Thu 14-May-20 19:00:59

So he moved in with you in your parents house and isn't paying anything towards the bills? Isn't he ashamed of being a freeloader? Why aren't your parents asking him for rent. I couldn't be with someone with no pride. Does he even have plans to get a job in the future or does he want to sponge off others forever.

category12 Thu 14-May-20 19:06:21

Good lord, what is wrong with your mother?!

You're only 24, do your future self an enormous favour and end this relationship and pursue some dreams.

AramintaLee Thu 14-May-20 19:06:57

I've been in the same position recently. You've simply outgrown him. You can't not do things because you're worried it will lead him back into drugs. He's a grown man who is responsible for his own actions. You have this one life to live and you need to do what makes YOU happy and fulfilled. Don't waste time on something if your heart isn't in it.

I left the relationship and even though I felt awful for hurting him, 6 months later I know it was the best decision for me (and eventually for him too)

Themountainsarecalling Thu 14-May-20 19:07:43

So he's 25 and doesn't work because he only wants to do something he likes and he moved in with you and your parents and doesn't help out in any way. Plus you've only been dating for two years.

Do you want this to be the rest of your life? You being the one who has to go out and support the two of you while he drifts through life because he deserves to only do what he wants to, work wise? The vast majority of people don't get that luxury.

It's also not your responsibility to worry about him relapsing into his former drug addiction if you leave him.

If you stay with him, you'll probably be back here in ten years time, complaining about how he does nothing about the house, doesn't work, won't help look after your (hypothetical) children while you work your fingers to the bone and still be concerned that he'll relapse if you leave him.

I'm surprised that your parents haven't kicked him out, to be honest, he sounds really disrespectful in his lack of anything.

Just do your future self a favour and end the relationship now.

HighdosevitaminD Thu 14-May-20 19:10:33

Massive red flags here; take it from someone a fair bit older than you who has just separated from an emotionally cold man who is happy for me to pay all the bills, end it before you have marry and/or have children.

Savoretti Thu 14-May-20 19:19:20

OMG cocklodger or what!!!
Can’t believe your parents accept it either

MrsTWH Thu 14-May-20 19:20:29

The “I don’t want a job I won’t like” is an excuse. He means he never wants to work. It will be your role to provide. He’s a cocklodger. How will he ever get a job if he’s got no work experience? If he sat in an interview with me, with huge gaps in employment history and said, “I didn’t want a job if I didn’t like it” he wouldn’t get any further. He’s saying certain jobs are beneath him. But his dream job is never going to land in his lap and the reality is, there are parts of all jobs people don’t like as much. He plans to sit on his arse forever! Are you ok with that? What if you lose your job? Or have kids that need clothing, feeding and housing and you’re on maternity leave? His lack of work ethic alone would be a dealbreaker for me. Let alone his:
- lack of effort
- lack of affection
- lack of sex
- drug addiction

I would run for the hills. You’re only 24 and have your whole life ahead of you. You already know this isn’t going to make you happy in the long run.

Mustbethewine Thu 14-May-20 19:20:50

Life is short. You're unhappy, and the relationship.

Ellisandra Thu 14-May-20 19:21:20

You haven’t said a single think that makes him sound right for anyone, let alone you.
Get rid.

Wilsonskye14 Thu 14-May-20 19:36:54

He’s very irresponsible. You guys are going to laugh at how naive I am, but I also let him guilt me into buying a $1000 puppy I didn’t want to buy with my own tax return. He told me I didn’t have to, which I know I didn’t. But the way he treated me when I said no made me feel obligated to. That’s honestly been the worst part about all of this.
He does not pay anything to my parents. My mom doesn't say anything to him or kick him out because of me (mind you I’m not stopping her). I’m honestly surprised she wants me to stay with him (she has a bad marriage with my dad though so maybe that’s why). Once in a blue moon he’ll work for his uncle and he will buy groceries and stuff, but that’s about it.
He has had 1 job since we dated and that was only for a day last summer. A few months ago, he got a job at a really good construction company that paid well, and he didn’t even show up to his first day of work because “he didn’t think he could do it and didn’t want to look stupid.”
He says to me that I can’t get mad because I have anxiety and he did what I’ve done in the past, but the thing is, I’m going on 25 and have had a steady job for 3 years. I got over my anxiety to provide for myself and for him.
Not to mention, he straight up gave me a guilt trip for having the nerve to spend some of my money instead of saving it. I want to save it and get out, but I don’t make nearly enough money to move out on my own without some kind of support or a second job. He has the nerve to give me crap about money when he doesn’t contribute anything to us getting out either. It blows my mind.
I know this is a lot and it’s super irresponsible. I just hate how guilty I feel about this. I hate upsetting people and hurting people. I’m usually always the one getting hurt so it’s really hard for me to accept being the person that hurts someone else. I just don’t know how I should go about it in the right way.

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Thu 14-May-20 19:43:42

Oh dear god no.

Get rid.

Get rid firmly with a clean sudden cut and blocking him straight after. Addicts (actively using or not) and cocklodgers are extremely manipulative. You have a strong strong tendency to be easily manipulated hence the need to dump and block, no contact, no angst.

Then do the Freedom Programme.

Learn about managing your codependent traits before you get into another relationship.

TorkTorkBam Thu 14-May-20 20:00:14

Here is the kindest way to break up.

No character assassinations.
No list of everything he ever did wrong.
Absolutely no list of things he must do to start living right.
No list of what you want from a partner that he is not.

You say "This is not working for me. I am not happy. I have decided to end our relationship. You need to move out."

No matter what he says you say little more than
"I have made my decision. It's over. Please leave now."
"I understand how you feel / what you are saying but it makes no difference. It is over. Please leave."
"It's me not you. It is over. Please get your stuff and leave."
"I have told you it is over several times. Now you must leave."
"You must leave now. If you don't I will call.the police to remove you."
<Call police if he stays weeping at your feet and ignoring your clearly stated wishes thus proving you are right to get rid>

Any threats of suicide should be ignored. If he leaves and acts like he will commit suicide or says he will then call the police to make a welfare check on him. If he really is suicidal they will get professional help for him. If he is playing you like an addict does then they'll have strong words.

Tell him "I will be stopping all contact with you now because it would be painful for me and confusing for you if we stayed in contact at all. Goodbye and thanks for all the good times. I genuinely wish you well for future."

Make it as short as you can. Shut down all routes of communication. Give him no means to manipulate. Give him no reason to waste time trying to win you round. No false hope. Shove him into his new life with 100% clarity you won't be in it.

Be aware that a cocklodger will not easily give up his meal ticket.

Bananalanacake Thu 14-May-20 20:05:51

Can he go back to where he lived before, if you've been together less than 2 years it can't have been that long ago. Have you tried asking him how he intends to pay his way in life if he doesn't want to work.

category12 Thu 14-May-20 20:08:49

You need to find your steel, and stop with the people-pleasing behaviours you have.

Being assertive and having boundaries is a good thing, and you need to learn to have those things.

He's a grown man, he will deal with a break-up like anyone else would have to do. He needs to stand on his own two feet otherwise he'll waste his entire life and his potential, leeching off others - you're actually doing him a favour in the long run (if he learns from this).

And you need to have the bottle to dump him and do things differently to how your mum would.

You might want to read up about co-dependence to help you avoid this kind of crap in the future.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 14-May-20 20:09:57

You've wasted enough of your youth on him, and you don't need to justify why the relationship isn't working for you anymore. It just isn't and you need to end it.

TwilightPeace Thu 14-May-20 20:15:57

Yes break up with him. He’s dragging you down and you deserve to be happy!
You’ll look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking staying with him for so long, although it sounds like you are starting to do that already.
You aren’t responsible for him or his feelings. Time to put yourself first.

Get out there and enjoy yourself! (Well as much as you can in these corona circumstances😂).

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