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Help needed to stay calm!!

(7 Posts)
Hannahbanana1986 Thu 14-May-20 06:56:18

I am mentally exausted and need some help/tips to stay calm at husband!!

I have felt stressed for a while and always known my partner is very demanding! But mainly put the stress down to busy job, 2 young step children etc but since lockdown and being furloughed from work, and the kids not living with us i have really realised it is my husband completely stressing me the f out! Btw we have only been married a year.

I know it sounds patronising to say he means well but i truely believe he does, but he is just so full on and i am struggeling to stay calm. Firstly he likes to do everything together, be in the same room etc. I can leave a room to go clean the bathroom for example and he will shout my name and ask where i am. (in a nice way but jesus really?) I used to make a joke of this but its just getting beyond a joke now. He will always say oh i just wanted to watch a film, or did you want to go for a walk. As an example I will say im doing something he will say can you not do it later he will get a firm no and i will carry on with what i am doing but im annoyed by this point!

Hes also constantely asking where his things are, wheres my phone, wheres my boxers, wheres the tv remote, wheres the charger. Again, i used to make a light hearted joke and say im not a GPS tracker but now i just want to scream F off!! I have tried talking to him so many times now about this and he will just smile and say well you love me. I just find it very over bearing though.

I say i want to go for a walk, he wants to come or he will sulk and say did i not want him to come or he will be really offended. A few times ive snapped back just so i can go on my own and get some head space but it shouldnt have to be a row if i need a few mins to myself!

I dont think this is the stress of just lockdown, i just think its spending all my time with him when usually i can have a breather at work, gym with friends which i dont have at the moment.

For a bit more background, he likes to involve me with everything he does. Even with his friends, this is totally diffferent to anything i have had before with exes which took a while to get used to, he ask if i wanted to go to boxing matches, which my response was well no not really why dont you go with your friends and he would usually say we wont bother then. I dont understand this, and feel unappreciative at the same time. Some of my friends say they would love this as they often dont even know where there partner is. But i find it a little full on and its healthy to do stuff like this without other half

Its just getting too much and i want to stay calm but am finding it difficult!

He is very very full on as a person, intense! Which comes with some traits i adore hence marrying him but recently his traits that stress me out have been maginified and i dont want to blow up! He already says i shout too much and go on and on and on wheras hes very quick to get over rows, but i just get so frustrated at him!

OP’s posts: |
category12 Thu 14-May-20 07:06:13

He sounds smothering and like he wants to be your entire world.

And a bit Teflon, like nothing sticks with him, like he doesn't actually take what you're saying seriously.

I would go barmy with claustrophobia tbh.

You need to stand up for yourself when it comes to doing separate stuff, and not let him shrink your world by pandering to his huffs. That needs to be a line in the sand.

Relationship counselling?

pog100 Thu 14-May-20 07:12:11

Honestly you just don't sound compatible. Did you live together before you got married? Anyway I guess it's not productive to wonder how you got into this. You need to let him calmly and firmly know how seriously this is affecting you, with the serious possibility of you splitting over it. I'm not very hopeful of him changing but only a serious shock stands a chance. You need to have looked into the practicalities and have sorted in your mind how it would work.
It does sound exhausting by the way!

Vretz Thu 14-May-20 07:39:31

It's healthy to need space. You cannot miss someone if you never give them an opportunity to be apart from you.

Look at his relationship with his mother as he seems a little too demanding, almost like he expects you to mother him.

Perhaps your boundaries need clarification. Being open with him that you feel smothered sometimes, so you need that time alone to feel healthy is a start.

Hannahbanana1986 Thu 14-May-20 08:04:15

Thank you for the replies.

I agree with the teflon comment and it made me chuckle.

We did live together for a few years, apart from now he is always very busy with work and coaches sport often not in until 10pm week nights and coaching or we spent the weekends with his kids!

He is actually very short with his mother but that is intresting.

I defintely need to establish boundaries it just usually turns into a row when i do confused

Thanks again!

OP’s posts: |
category12 Thu 14-May-20 08:13:34

I defintely need to establish boundaries it just usually turns into a row when i do

That is more reason to stick to your guns. I don't want to overstate things, but him getting into a state about your perfectly reasonable boundaries can slip into a controlling, manipulative pattern. If he gets in an uproar, and you end up not seeing your friends or not going for a walk on your own, or thinking twice about it next time - it rewards his bad behaviour and shrinks your world.

You shouldn't have to constantly defend your boundaries with the person you live with, but you absolutely must. Don't give in for a quiet life.

copycopypaste Thu 14-May-20 08:18:42

Of course it turns into a row when you try to establish boundaries, that's because you are threatening the status quo and he likes it this way because he's getting his own way.

As for finding things, when he asks just say it don't know' and repeat. Just give him this stick answer every single time. You're right, you're not his gps

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