How can I get over my MIL's lies?

[Festipal]

There isn't really anything anyone can do but tonight I discovered 2 life changing lies my MIL has told and I don't know what to do to come to terms with the news.

First she's lied to her solicitor saying I'm asking her to do things with her will which I absolutely am not. Her will, her son, nothing to do with me. Her solicitor is now questioning my DH's involvement in his DM's financial affairs. Involvement he has never shown any interest in and it's all been her involving him. Hell he's not even involved in our family finances. I do it all! And I have shown no interest in her finances or will whatsoever. He has never initiated a conversation with her about her finances and has never even shown an opinion on what she should do. She has an IFA for that. But this lie could be life changing for him/us if she cuts us/him out and leaves it directly to our DCs. That's where discussions are currently heading.

The second is the money she offered/ promised us towards a new house. We are going through the process of buying a new house (conveyancing etc on hold at the moment obviously). However today she has put an offer in on a new house which she can only finance with the money she had promised to us for the sale of the house we're in the middle of buying. She's seen the photos. She's asked us about it. She knows how excited the DCs are. And there's absolutely no way we could afford this, or any other house, without her help. So she lied when she promised us the money for the house and that dream is gone.

I'm sitting here wondering how on earth the DCs will take the news. I'm absolutely shell shocked. She is absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her money. We've never asked or expected. We cut our cloth according to our means. I just don't understand why she's lying about me meddling in her will and going behind our back and buying a house on the sly! It's such an odd scenario but she definitely has all her mental capacities.

I'm just looking for help getting over the betrayal really.

[ProseccoBubbleFantasies]

I think this is a million miles away from where you are, but (and sorry to say this) your OP reads like you're quite fixated on money.

And I do believe you're genuinely not.

How can we know why she might have lied? Can you provide any more context about the kind of person she is? Is she still with your FiL? Any other siblings?

There's not much to your OP apart from the money she promised you and is now apparently withdrawing. Although your kids may get it?????

It's hard to give any advice.

Or do you just need to vent?

[rvby]

Is it possible that the pandemic has caused her to rethink her money in general?

Is she someone who struggles to communicate openly/ wants to have control without looking like the bad guy? Possibly she doesn't want to finance your property purchase, but does not feel she can say that out loud so instead is trying to get a solicitor onside to say it for her (clumsy but folk do this kind of thing...)?

[Puds11]

Like you say, she’s entitled to do what she wants with her money. That’s the crux of it. I’d have had the money in the bank before going ahead with buying a property. People back out of stuff like this all the time I’m afraid.

[SandyY2K]

It all sounds very bizarre 🤔

At the end of the day she can do what she chooses with her money, but will your marriage survive her accusations?

It does come across like you're more concerned about the money...that it would be life changing for you.

Any chance of a family meeting to get to the bottom of it?

[Festipal]

That's what's weird is I'm not fixed on money. I'm the higher earner in my relationship. If I want more money I'll up my hours or get a better paid job. I'm in control of my/our finances. 100% shared money, even though I earn about 20% more.

She's always been sheltered from this all but as she's no longer with FIL she's needed to run her finances by someone else. She has an IFA but seems to want DH"s opinion, despite the fact he honestly wouldn't know what a SIPP or ISA stood for! DH is an only child.

The DCs would get it but as they're so young it would be in trust till they're 18 and honestly that's lovely but a nice home to grow up in now is the real need.

Venting helps but also how do I repair the relationship? She's lied about me and I don't know why. We've generally had a good relationship for 20 odd years.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

It’s possible Covid (and the possibility of a property crash making houses more affordable to you and DH) has made her rethink her legacy and her priorities and she thinks she would leave a better legacy by leaving the money to your DC instead. Stop fixating on the money and get your DP to call her and find out what’s going on.

[Festipal]

Is she someone who struggles to communicate openly/ wants to have control without looking like the bad guy? Possibly she doesn't want to finance your property purchase, but does not feel she can say that out loud so instead is trying to get a solicitor onside to say it for her (clumsy but folk do this kind of thing...)?

Wow that's her to a T! I really don't know why she offered in the first place but it's been a consistent offer for the last 2 years of looking.

I’d have had the money in the bank before going ahead with buying a property. People back out of stuff like this all the time I’m afraid.

Funnily enough we had a meeting with the IFA the week before lockdown to agree the money! We didn't sign anything because honestly I didn't see any reason to. We went ahead with the conveyancing etc during lockdown because of that meeting.

[Festipal]

Yes I think Covid, being on her own and friends being fleas in her ear about stuff have been driving this. I'm just shocked she's gone as far as putting in an offer!

[AvoidingRealHumans]

Have you confronted her about this ? That would be the 1st thing to do

[NoMoreDickheads]

I don't think you sound fixated on money OP, it's the being lied about and the family let down that you don't like. xxxxx

[Festipal]

I only found out this evening so I'm digesting it before responding. Confronting is not something that would go down well especially as I'm supposedly meddling in her will so any raised voices from me and that's undue pressure.

[Festipal]

I am always true to my word and money is something that is meaningless to lie about. Either say nothing or the truth. Letting down my DC over a lie that didn't need to be said hurts the most deeply. Lying about me meddling makes me superficially angry because I hate lying, hate being lied about and hate people thinking badly of me about something I would never do.

But the deep lasting hurt is coming from the pain the withdrawal of the offer will do to our family. DH and I are definitely strong enough to survive. His relationship with his DM will suffer though because like me he hates being lied to.

[Nanny0gg]

How has your DH reacted to all this?

[Berthatydfil]

It’s her money to spend as she wishes although it’s clearly wrong of her to have offered you money to help with a house and to now withdraw that offer.
She may be having second thoughts and want to spend the money on herself or she may be concerned that you might split from her son and take some or all of the house/money - and is making up concerns about you to justify her decision.
I don’t think you should confront her, it’s devastating but it can be twisted to make you seem grasping and mercenary.
Abandon the house move and explain the best you can to your dc. A home is more than 4 walls and a roof and maybe you have dodged a huge bullet, as you have no idea how she could have behaved once she has a financial hold over you.
Also who knows what will happen with the housing market and the economy so it may not be the best time to move at the moment.

[PippaPegg]

My mum did almost exactly this. Inherited from my grandparents passing. Offered me a long term loan to help us buy a house (FTB). We already had a bit of a deposit. I didn't expect a penny from her so was shocked she offered. At first we said no but she insisted. We got to the final stages of purchase and she pulled out. Ended up having DH tell her what a selfish lunatic she was being, she did then go ahead.

It sounds like a DH problem. It's his mum so he has to be the one to deal with her. You feel frustrated and powerless because it's him who has to stand up to her. I imagine if he lit a rocket under MILs arse with the impact on the DC by reneging on her offer you might get somewhere.

Or, think of it another way, do you really want to be financially tied to her when she's already proven herself to be a lunatic?

I decided to go ahead because it would have taken us another 5 years or more to get on the ladder without help.

[PippaPegg]

Should add the reason I got DH involved is because my mum is a sexist twat.

[MintyMabel]

If I want more money I'll up my hours or get a better paid job.

Strange you would rely on money from MIL for your new home in that case.

[honeylulu]

She sounds rather like my (now deceased) MIL. Had lots of money but used it to gain adulation, control and punish. If she proposed making a gift of money or paying for something on someone's behalf, she would suddenly withdraw it if she felt the person was not being grateful enough or obedient enough. She loved the power and making people dance to her tune.

I saw how she controlled my H's siblings and their partners in this way and refused to accept PIL contributing to our property purchase. She didn't like that either and for years sneered at our "shoebox" flat and my "silly pride". Likewise I refused PIL paying for our son to go to private school like the other grandchildren.

The other thought I had (sorry if this is mumsnet bingo) but depending on her age could it possibly be dementia? I had a great aunt who was lovely, generous etc but once dementia set in she was obsessed with the idea that we were all trying to get her money, that it had gone missing (we'd find it stuffed in cushion covers etc) and that my grandma was going to forge a new will etc. If your MIL has always been like that, then the first option is more likely though!

[AlwaysCheddar]

If my mil offered money To help me get a bigger house, I’d take it. Very normal. Sounds like she’s controlling and very selfish. But I’d be sending my dh round to ask her why she’s changed her mind and record the conversation.

[walkingchuckydoll]

I'd be so pissed off about the house thing I wouldn't want another penny from her ever.

I have no advice, sorry.

[VettiyaIruken]

In your shoes I'd accept the money she offered will not be forthcoming (and say a flat no thanks if it's dangled over you again) and also any time she attempted to discuss her finances in the future, your husband should refuse to give anbopinion and should end the call/conversation. Perhaps even saying I will not discuss this ever again after you accused us of financial abuse.

[Northernparent68]

Alwayscheddar, why would you Record the conversation ? That will only fuel her paranoia.

[Veterinari]

Your DH needs to talk to her. She's his mum, it's his inheritance, and his DC that are disappointed. He needs to lead on this. If you speak to her she'll just interpret it as you going after her money.

[category12]

Are you sure she's withdrawn the offer of helping you buy? Maybe she's still got something set aside for you?

If not, all you can do really is suck it up. It's not your or your dh's money and never has been, she could leave it to a society of dead cars if she wanted or piss it away on champagne and care homes.

It is upsetting, obviously, and I'd be a little concerned that she's maybe losing her marbles a bit if she's suddenly turned against you.

Home ownership isn't everything. Such is life.

[Sparkletastic]

I don't think she wanted to give you the money but felt obliged to. She's now finding a way to back out of it. You (and DH of course) being willing to accept such a large hand out perhaps confirmed her darkest thoughts about you being after her wealth.