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Caught DH deleting messages to ex.

(36 Posts)
Colabottle10 Wed 13-May-20 22:40:13

Together 13yrs, married for 7, one DS age 3.

He’s been attached to his phone - first sign eh? So on Sat morning I looked at his phone. Didn’t get a chance to read messages but there was a conversation with a woman called Barbara on his FB messages.

As well as being on his phone, everything has been pretty shit. We have no real relationship other than housemates. Bedroom stuff always been patchy but been non-existent since DS. Not due to any reluctance from me. Always him not wanting to. So no emotional or physical connection. Just housemates.

Saturday I asked him if he was messaging anyone else. He totally denied it, there’s no one else blah blah. Said he’s been suffering from depression the last few years, lots of anxiety. The keeping fit and improving his body purely for anxiety management. Another tick right?

Got himself a new bike so he’s off out on that everyday for an hour too.

So I left it. And checked his phone again yesterday and he’d deleted this conversation with Barbara and I absolutely kicked off. Told him I’d checked his phone and seen what he had done. Rabbit in headlights he was. Said there was nothing in the messages at all. Said he deleted them because he thought I’d have an argument about him getting in touch with an ex. I kicked him out. And went through his laptop and looked at everything I could. Couldn’t find anymore messages but did find porn on his kindle account which was a bit of a shock for someone supposedly not into sex.

Last night, all tears and sorry etc. I told him to message Barbara for screenshots of their conversation in front of me. She did. It was all totally inocuous. Like nothing at all dodgy (as long as he hadn’t got to her before so she could doctor them but who knows?) I just don’t get why he would delete it if not dodgy.

So kicked him into the spare room and told him to go out for the day as I don’t want to be near him.

Initial thoughts? I’m a tough cookie, will end it if it’s the right thing to do.

OP’s posts: |
mecabag Wed 13-May-20 22:47:38

Did he say why he was messaging his ex? He’s married with a DC so I don’t really see any excuse for it.

Mucklowe Wed 13-May-20 22:51:41

Bloody hell. Leave the poor man alone!

Musti Wed 13-May-20 22:55:42

Aside from possible cheating what is the point of staying with someone who you're not really having a relationship with? No sex etc.

Mama05 Wed 13-May-20 22:59:02

No it’s not on

You do right kicking off at him like that, swearing blind he hasn’t been speaking to anyone and blatantly lying to your face about it.

He shouldn’t acting so shifty if he has nothing to hide because he’s not helped his case at all!

MMmomDD Wed 13-May-20 23:05:14

I think you are focusing on a totally wrong thing here.
Why argue about some messages while totally ignoring the actual elephant in the room.
Your relationship and it’s future.

You are saying you are housemates with no emotional or physical connection.
Are you both expecting to live this way for the rest of your lives? Or is there a plan to start working on it?

As to the actual messages - I don’t see an issue with some general talking to an ex sometimes, even while being married. Especially in these weird times. I sometimes check in with some of my exes - those who ended up more like long ago friends.
I am sure he deleted the thread because he was scared you’d overreact.

LemonTT Wed 13-May-20 23:08:55

If your marriage is dead why not deal with that. Your children don’t really need this drama and you don’t either.

I’m not sure why you care if he is talking to someone else. Does it matter if you have no feelings and by the sound of it little respect.

Ijustreallywantacat Wed 13-May-20 23:13:36

He sounds like he could be struggling. What he might really need is love and support. And you have no evidence he had cheated. Maybe he just needed a friend. You don't sound like you like him very much.

SquirtleSquad Wed 13-May-20 23:13:58


overnightangel Wed 13-May-20 23:18:19

Initial thoughts?
You’re fucking bonkers

Samtsirch Wed 13-May-20 23:28:24

“ we have no real relationship “
Beyond this , nothing else is worth discussing.

LovingLola Wed 13-May-20 23:31:07

everything has been pretty shit. We have no real relationship other than housemates. Bedroom stuff always been patchy but been non-existent since DS. Not due to any reluctance from me. Always him not wanting to. So no emotional or physical connection. Just housemates.

That’s what you both need to deal with.

SandyY2K Wed 13-May-20 23:34:34

The lack of intimacy and living like flatmates should be your focus.

What treatment has he sought for his depression and anxiety? Or are you expected to be in a sexless marriage forever?

blaaake Wed 13-May-20 23:35:41

It sounds like your marriage was dead in the water before this, to be honest

RosesandIris Wed 13-May-20 23:38:05

You sound horrible.

Teensandfuture Wed 13-May-20 23:46:05

You're overbearing, controlling and distrusting. He doesn't feel a man next to you, that's why you don't have intimacy.

justasking111 Wed 13-May-20 23:49:05

You are not well suited are you.

JustFrigginNameChange Wed 13-May-20 23:55:49

You sound controlling! No wonder he's deleting messages if this is how you respond? And you made her send you screenshots? Jesus. Do you have his balls in a jar somewhere?

LochJessMonster Thu 14-May-20 00:26:22

What a joke this thread is. All ‘is he cheating’ threads encourage the woman to check messages. A bloke deleting a conversation with an ex- massive red flag!
And yet apparently the OP is controlling??

Op trust your gut. Its suspicious

beenwhereyouare Thu 14-May-20 02:11:38

Wow, you're getting the stick! Since it seems like he wasn't cheating, this would be a good time to talk calmly about your relationship. Being close, shared jokes, moments as a family, and being intimate are difficult when someone isn't trying, and it makes your doubts understandable. His depression and anxiety may have something to do with all of it, but you can't fix it for both of you. He has to be willing to do things differently, too.

He may need medication and counseling. You both might.

BellaSing1607 Thu 14-May-20 02:22:40

i dont want to sound rude, but is it not kind of to be expected for him to seek comfort, love, affection elsewhere if it hasnt been received from you? i would have said the same thing if you were the one seeking it elsewhere now. i agree with the others, maybe try to work on that first, try to put some effort into your relationship, spice things up, be a little romantic, maybe go on a holiday after this whole corona situation.

good luck with all xx

beenwhereyouare Thu 14-May-20 03:50:49

Cola, nothing I read indicates you're the one witholding affection. In the bedroom, at least, he is. If you still love one another, your marriage isn't dead. It obviously needs work, but those feelings really can come back. My relationship is proof of that.

I hope things work out for you. flowers

Colabottle10 Thu 14-May-20 05:48:14

Crikey. It’s interesting reading these responses.

So the lack of sex. It’s not me. I have tried and tried over the years and it’s never got better. He has issues with touch and intimacy which he’s never sought help with. I’ve spent years trying to initiate sex and am always brushed off and that dents a girls confidence. All my previous bfs have always been keen so it’s odd to me.

No I don’t have his balls in a jar.

I’ve never ever had any reasons to mistrust him before and have never ever been one of those girls who says you can’t be in touch with ex’s. Ever. We’ve always known the passwords to each other’s phones, laptops etc. I speak with my ex’s and he knows that and I’ve never deleted messages. Because there’s nothing going on.

I’ve read enough threads on here to know the signs. Closed off, glued to phone, lack of intimacy (and agree this is the bigger picture). So I was suspicious and I looked. My issue is he lied and hide something, even though he had no reason to.

No I didn’t make him get her to send screenshots. It was his way of trying to show nothing was going on. But come on, deleting messages from ex’s is a classic right?

So we’ve talked and he’s suggested relate. Which I guess is a good idea but we’ll see.

He says he has always felt guilty having her as a friend on FB. I don’t know why as I’ve never ever been funny about it. Honestly, I’m not that sort of girl. We’ve always been totally open about that side of things, so that’s why this is a shock.

He’s a totally straight and normal guy, he doesn’t lie. Or at least, I’ve never caught him out in a lie before. That’s what’s really the problem I guess. And when I ask why he lied he just keeps repeating he felt guilty. Claims there was no intent of anything improper.

He’s not some brow beaten husband, hen pecked by an evil wife! We generally rub along well, I’ve managed to deal with the lack of sex until now but this seems to have shone a light on everything we’ve been ignoring.

OP’s posts: |
pumpkinpie01 Thu 14-May-20 06:05:53

So you're both still in touch with ex's so that's not really an issue all of a sudden but put together with him exercising more and being stuck to his phone you have jumped to the wrong conclusion. Could it not be that he has decided as life is so restricted at the moment he might as well take the opportunity to do some exercise ? (My dh went for a run yesterday first time in 10 years). The issue is more that you are living as housemates, do you do stuff as a family normally ? Do you have date nights ? What do you both do when your dc is in bed every evening ?

AllyBamma Thu 14-May-20 06:19:33

Sorry OP but I think you’re kidding yourself here. By your own admission, you don’t have a relationship. Texting his ex aside (which I don’t condone at all but I think is a symptom of the bigger issue here), I think you have much bigger problems.

But as soon as PPs reiterate what you’ve already said about the quality of your marriage, you start backpedaling and now everything is fine and we’re mad to suggest otherwise?

It is at all possible he’s also aware of your marriage problems and was just reaching out to a friend (albeit ex) to talk? You may think you’re ‘rubbing along well’ but have you asked how he feels at all?

Ok sure, he shouldn’t have been a shifty bugger texting his ex but I think your reaction was way over the top and probably a bit undeserved.

Perhaps you need to take a step back and see the bigger picture here and direct your energy into fixing the deeper issues.

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