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Has anyone been refused mediation by the mediator? Will social services be involved?

(25 Posts)
RLEOM Wed 13-May-20 13:46:58

My ex and I have a messy past. Lots of cheating, gas lighting and financial abuse. Lots of mind games since we split. We have an 18 month old DD.

I was very honest with the mediator. She asked why we split and I explained he was having an emotional affair after our baby was born and had a porn addiction, which she seemed very concerned about because I dont think she understands it. It doesn't concern me regarding our child as it's not something he'd expose her to in any way.

The mediator asked if I had any concerns regarding our childs safety. I said no but also mentioned that he had forced a bottle in her mouth and choked her when she was a newborn as he wasn't coping (he felt very guilty after and she was fine). He would also sometime repeatedly tell our baby to shut up when he couldn't cope. It only happened a few times but it made my stomach turn and my heart hurt when he did it. I think he's a great dad on the whole and now she's older, I'm hoping he copes better when she's having a tantrum or is hard to handle.

Mediation has been refused but no reasons have been given.

I'm now worried that there's going to be social services involved, and maybe rightly so, but I do feel he is a good dad and just wanted to get our issues resolved for our daughter. But my honesty hasn't helped the situation.

What happens? Will social services just turn up at my door? Will I get a letter? It's the not knowing that's worrying me. Has anyone been refused for other reasons?

It's also worth mentioning that we're both on the spectrum, but both high functioning. I told the mediator that, too.

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SeriouslySoDoneIn Wed 13-May-20 13:49:08

They’ll not do mediation with someone that’s been abusive to you or child in the past, if the social services have been involved they’ll either turn up at your door or you’ll receive a letter informing you of their intent to visit - it varies from county to county.

sunnydays78 Wed 13-May-20 13:59:12

I hope they have involved social work for your child sake. He chocked her when she was a new born. That is utterly terrifying.
Next time he’s not coping what are you going to do? hope he doesn’t choke her again?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Wed 13-May-20 14:03:40

Look on the cafcass website. Also it sounds like you are minimising what a danger he is. Also porn addiction will affect his child

NamechangeOnceMore Wed 13-May-20 14:05:07

Why don't you just pick up the phone to the mediation service and ask why they've refused? It might be as simple as ex refusing to engage.

To be honest, rightly or wrongly, from what you've said, I wouldn't be surprised if the mediator refers to Social Services, but I'd be surprised if SS did much. In our area they'd probably just close this without actioning it.

Haretodaygonetomorrow Wed 13-May-20 14:07:01

Mediation isn’t recommended when one party is abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-May-20 14:14:54

Mediation is never recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. This mediator was right to refuse this process, the person in the wrong here was the one who initially suggested mediation.

Why do you state he is a good dad?. Good dads do not act as he has done towards you or your child. He may be on the ASD spectrum as well (or equally he may not be, he could have lied to you about this) but that is no reason or justification for him to abuse you in the ways he has done (and will continue to do given any opportunity. I would keep him well away from your DD and your own self).

Please consider getting some support and help for yourself from the likes of the National Autistic Society; you are (and also as an adult on the ASD spectrum) very vulnerable here. I would also contact Womens Aid to see what assistance they could also provide you.

BackseatCookers Wed 13-May-20 14:33:50

Mediation is never recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. This mediator was right to refuse this process, the person in the wrong here was the one who initially suggested mediation

This. It's best practice to refuse mediation / couples counselling in abusive cases.

RLEOM Wed 13-May-20 15:31:42

I know it doesn't read well, but he's a doting dad. He adores our daughter and she adores him. If I'd thought he was a danger to her, I wouldn't let her stay with him every other weekend. I feel so confused. I'm not sure if I'm in the right or wrong with anything, kind of a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation.

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AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-May-20 15:42:55

Where did you get your ideas about romantic relationships from?.

Whose idea was it to let your daughter go to him every other weekend, was it his?.

And there is that bloody word adore again.

I do think you need further support as your own vulnerabilities are causing you confusion in making good choices. Your child comes before him and his wants and you need to be seen to be protecting her from abuse.

NoMoreDickheads Wed 13-May-20 16:31:29

I think if the mediator were going to inform SS then they would've told you they were going to do it.

LovingLola Wed 13-May-20 16:35:43

I'm hoping he copes better when she's having a tantrum or is hard to handle.

Do you have real concerns about this?

SeriouslySoDoneIn Wed 13-May-20 16:36:41

Ignore Atilla, they seem to have a very limited understanding on ASD, the different types of ASD and about the condition and how it doesn’t make every person with it vulnerable in general. Such a small, bias view.

RLEOM Wed 13-May-20 17:32:21

@NoMoreDickheads I don't think they'd tell us SS were going to be involved. They do say at the start of mediation that if they have any concerns for the child's safety, they will contact SS.

@LovingLola I've watched him with his niece when she's been challenging (she was 5 at the time). He gets huffy and stroppy, but never showed aggression. But on the whole, he doesn't cope well with confrontation nor resolving issues. But nobody is perfect, are they? We all deal with stress differently and no parent can be Mary Poppins all the time.

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RLEOM Wed 13-May-20 17:38:42

@SeriouslySoDoneIn thank you. My judgement is not shrouded due to autism, my judgement was shrouded at the time due to PND. I was mentally very weak when we split. Our daughter was only 3 months old at the time and I'd been battling with finding out about his porn addiction and his emotional affair. It was a lot to process, the hormones were still all over the place, and I was still having a major lack of sleep due to newborn life.

It's such a shame it's gone down this route. We had a good relationship prior to our daughter being born - such potential to be a great family if he had put the effort in to resolve issues. Our daughter never deserved this outcome.

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AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-May-20 17:53:39

And nor did you deserve such an outcome. But it is what it is and it is not your fault he has acted like he has done towards you and your child.

Did you get adequate support at the time for your PND which was likely also exacerbated by his ill treatment of you?.

RLEOM Wed 13-May-20 18:49:24

@AttilaTheMeerkat I didn't know I had PND at the time, just knew I was depressed because of the porn. I'd sit in a cold bath for an hour, telling myself how disgusting my body was, or spend half of my day crying or sat in silence. It took me 6 months to realise it and to get help from the doctor. Hormones are all back to normal now, thank God!

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NoMoreDickheads Wed 13-May-20 19:11:49

Sorry to hear you've had such an awful time. sad sad sad

I'm sure his porn addiction and general behaviour didn't help, contributed or made up half of your depression.

MitziK Wed 13-May-20 23:05:35

he had forced a bottle in her mouth and choked her when she was a newborn as he wasn't coping (he felt very guilty after and she was fine). He would also sometime repeatedly tell our baby to shut up when he couldn't cope

If he does that to a tiny baby and you do nothing except get a bit upset and make excuses, you seriously need to rethink your parenting.

That is a SS referral without doubt.

Thisismytimetoshine Wed 13-May-20 23:10:19

He was aggressive with a newborn baby , but you hope he'll be able to cope better now? shock Your facile reference to Mary Poppins makes me hope to Christ ss are involved, for your child's sake.

RLEOM Thu 14-May-20 01:02:02

@MitziK From what I understood, she was crying, he made her take a bottle - or tried to give her a bottle, it made her choke. I wasn't there so I can't give a true reflection as to whether it was forceful or aggressive. He's not an aggressive character at all, so I struggle to see him being capable, but everyone has different sides to them, some you least expect. And yes, I have been very upset with him, but my post is about the here and now, and what to expect.

@Thisismytimetoshine The Mary Poppins was in relation to when we'd taken his niece out for the day, she was mucking around too much, running around in a crowded place, he found it stressful, got in a huff and told her off. He didn't shout, he was firm and he was fair, but he was stressed when doing so, so not entirely perfect with his deliverance. The reference to Mary Poppins is because humans can't be happy go lucky all the time. Life can be stressful and sometimes that's not always easy to mask.

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TatianaBis Thu 14-May-20 01:09:15

She’s made the right call. You will just have to accept it.

JustinMyJustin Thu 14-May-20 07:54:13

The mediator made the right decision. There is abuse in your relationship.

A man who can choke a tiny baby with a bottle in temper is NOT a good father. My ex husband did similar to my DS. He no longer lives with us and I never allow him to have our DC unsupervised. I would never take the risk.

Thisismytimetoshine Thu 14-May-20 10:28:45

He gets huffy and stroppy when his 5 year old niece is "challenging". No, op, he's not going to get any better with your daughter because he's an immature man child himself.
Huffy and stroppy when a child behaves like a child?? You not seeing the problem is an added problem, tbh.

JustinMyJustin Thu 14-May-20 11:10:59

Agree with @Thisismytimetoshine Getting stroppy with a child for being a child is not normal behaviour. Yes we can all get exasperated but it’s our job as adults to regulate our emotions.
My ex gets short tempered with our DC. Therefore he never has them alone. I simply won’t allow it. In fact I’m now on the verge of refusing him all contact. He sounds very similar to your ex and there is no way on Gods earth I’d allow him weekends alone with our DC!

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