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Too sensitive for his banter?

(100 Posts)
AmISensitive Wed 13-May-20 09:50:35

Hi all,

I feel a little ridiculous asking this but I’m wondering if I’m too sensitive or too serious for my partner’s jokes/banter/sense of humour.

He works in the trades so in a very male dominated environment and that sometimes ends up coming home. He often calls me dickhead, tells me to fuck off, or just puts me down as a joke. I can’t stress this enough when I say he is just joking, he doesn’t shout and it’s never said in anger, but still I find it a bit hard to stomach sometimes. His reaction is “how can you get upset when you know I’m just joking or playing with you?”

The odd comment is fine and if I have done something funny and a bit stupid then he can laugh at/with me and call me a knob but it’s when it’s every day or if a situation hasn’t called for it that I don’t really like.

For example, the house had become a bit of a mess (we’re doing lots of DIY at the minute) so I had a massive clean up whilst he chilled out in the other room then took him a cup of tea. His response was “where’s my tea?” I know he was joking but why couldn’t he have just said thank you?

Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes I feel like I am and sometimes I feel like I’m not. Lockdown isn’t helping with the feeling of going stir crazy either! If I am being too sensitive, any tips on how to just let things go?

Thanks in advance

OP’s posts: |
0DETTE Wed 13-May-20 09:55:34

If you’ve told him it bothers you, why doesn’t he stop it ?

Doesn’t he care about your feelings ?

VisionQuest Wed 13-May-20 09:59:14

Do it back to him. See if he thinks it's funny then.

timeisnotaline Wed 13-May-20 10:01:08

Why don’t your feelings matter? Don’t do it back to him, he might well not care. But don’t take him his tea, make yourself one not him Etc and if he gets annoyed you can say oh so you have feelings but I’m not allowed to?

Sparklfairy Wed 13-May-20 10:03:08

You know what they say. Banter is another word for acting like a cunt wink

Seriously though if he knows it bothers you he should stop. Many years ago I had a relationship where the 'banter' was brutal both ways. I definitely had to tone it down in the next relationship! blush

Deathraystare Wed 13-May-20 10:08:51

I would guarantee that if you did it to him enough , especially putting him down, he would find it not very funny at all. Men are 'funny' like that.

Next time he asks where his tea is, if you said "make it yourself, you lazy sod" I somehow don't think you would have him rolling in the aisles.

DrCoconut Wed 13-May-20 10:11:00

Personally I could live with it as long as he drew the line if the situation warranted it. But I work with apprentices from heavy industry and have an insider viewpoint on the culture. Most of them know when it's inappropriate and behave at for example award ceremonies or funerals (we sadly lost a student a few years ago). Generally banter means they are fond of and relaxed with the recipient. However, if you don't like it and he doesn't stop when asked you do need to question whether it's the right relationship for you. This would apply to any boundary though really.

Tappering Wed 13-May-20 10:11:04

His reaction is “how can you get upset when you know I’m just joking or playing with you?”

My response would be: How can you carry on 'playing' and 'joking' when you've seen how much it upsets me?

Does he speak to his Mother this way?

Tappering Wed 13-May-20 10:13:22

And I'm not precious about back and forth BTW. I - laughingly - told DH he was being a dickhead this morning, in response to him deliberately trying to prank me. The difference is that if he ever said to me that i=he didn't like it - or vice versa - then it would stop, straightaway. Ironically it's screamingly obvious when we argue because we are always studiously polite to each other with zero swearing.

acatcalledjohn Wed 13-May-20 10:13:57

I was just about to comment exactly what @Tappering said. You are supposed to alter your response to his behaviour, but he doesn't need to alter his behaviour, despite knowing it upsets you?

He's a prize cunt. It's all about him and his ego. Bet he refers to himself as the archbishop of Banterbury too.

If it hurts someone's feelings then it is NOT banter.

SistemaAddict Wed 13-May-20 10:14:58

He's a dick. I wouldn't stay with him as he's showing you he has no respect for you.

Scruffyoak Wed 13-May-20 10:16:06

You are not sensitive. He is in the wrong if he thinks it is ok. My ex did this and I thought it was ok but now I am away from it and with someone who does not talk to me like that and I realise it was wrong

Windyatthebeach Wed 13-May-20 10:18:33

Next time you see him naked point and laugh.
Tell him it's just banter...

ptumbi Wed 13-May-20 10:19:09

OMG this is just too tedious. Telling someone they are a Dickhead if they are trying to prank you hmm is one thing. Saying 'Good Morning Fucker' is quite another.
I would never put up with being sworn at, or called names, in any way. Much less 'jokingly'. I would't get upset but they would just be NOT part of my life any more.

If he can say Dickhead, he can say Darling. If he can say 'Where's my tea', he can say 'Thank you'.

Personally, I'd give it one chance. Next time I'd get rid.

category12 Wed 13-May-20 10:19:20

No, you're not too sensitive. It would cost him nothing to cut this shit out, but he does it anyway.

MrsSpenserGregson Wed 13-May-20 10:22:17

It doesn't actually matter whether you are "sensitive" or not. The fact is, his behaviour upsets you, and you've told him this. He shows no remorse for upsetting you, and tells you it's your problem, not his.

He's told you who he is. If you want to be with him, you have to put up with him using you as the butt of his "jokes."

Can you live with that?

Chottie Wed 13-May-20 10:22:23

What a nasty man.

You've told him his comments upset you and still he continues with the comments. He may be used to 'blokey banter' at work, but you are not one of the blokes from work, you are his partner and someone special. You are not being sensitive, he is being unkind and insensitive.

missyB1 Wed 13-May-20 10:25:01

The issue isn’t with you, the issue is with his insistence that you must laugh along with his tedious fucking “banter”. You don’t like it, you don’t find it funny, he needs to bloody well take that on board!!

homeschoolmyarse Wed 13-May-20 10:26:30

What’s ‘the trades’
Not that it matters
If you don’t like the way he talks to you what’s the point?

Lampan Wed 13-May-20 10:33:57

‘Banter’ is an excuse to be at best thoughtless and at worst cruel, without being held accountable for anything he says. It sounds like it’s constant, plus you have told him you don’t like it. As PP says, would he address his mum like this?
He is somewhere between not caring about your feelings and having no respect for you. If he won’t even try to change I don’t think I could live like that.

TheVanguardSix Wed 13-May-20 10:37:48

You're not sensitive! You're just aware that you're wasting your time on a rough, gruff dickhead whose using you as his 'muse' as inspiration for his shitty sense of humour. You're the punchline. It's totally disrespectful and it'll wear you down until you feel worthless... and he knows this. It's how he'll 'keep' you.

Gobbycop Wed 13-May-20 10:41:49

Only you can answer that really.

I've only read your first post but I joke with my other half like this minus the swearing.
It is banter for us, we've known each other 20 years.

If it really is bothering you though then tell him to stop.

FlowerArranger Wed 13-May-20 11:06:26

(1) I had a massive clean up whilst he chilled out in the other room then took him a cup of tea.

What??? Why is he not doing his share? And you even make bring him tea??!!!

(2) The so-called banter: totally disrespectful. You need to read up on boundaries.

AmISensitive Wed 13-May-20 11:13:06

Thank you everyone for your input, it’s so confusing at times.

I’ve told him I feel like I’m with a schizophrenic. He can be the most loving and attentive person then he calls me a stupid name out of the blue or makes a degrading comment and I just don’t know how to take it.

I like to think I’m not overly precious and can have a laugh about things and take the piss out of each other but it’s when it’s not happening in that kind of scenario that I just find it hard and I’m not sure how to react.

OP’s posts: |
acatcalledjohn Wed 13-May-20 11:14:26

If it really is bothering you though then tell him to stop.

OP states:

His reaction is “how can you get upset when you know I’m just joking or playing with you?”

If her upset isn't enough to stop him then telling him will only get his back up. May as well save energy and dump the selfish twat.

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