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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Found bf on Tinder... please help

65 replies

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 09:32

Hi, I'm freaking out and could do with some tinder help. After a horrendous split with my ex husband that involved cheating, gaslighting etc and after some time alone I
met bf a few months ago on tinder, it has been amazing but recently I've just had a 'feeling' .... this morning I set up a tinder account just to see if he was still on there... I know, but I just had this gut feeling and wanted to reassure myself that not all men are cheating lying arseholes!!!
My bf was the first person to pop up....
He had also changed his bio on it...
He swears blind he deleted his account months ago and was last on it before xmas (we met late oct) but I thought if you'd been inactive on it you'd be at the bottom of the pile... not first up!
Can anyone advise? I know I thought I'd deleted my account but I was still getting messages and matches even though I'd taken the app off my phone which is what he claims he did, he offered to show me his phone but I was too distraught to look at it.

OP posts:

Report

MizMoonshine · 13/05/2020 09:36

You can appear on tinder when you're not active, if you haven't deactivated your account, just deleted the app.
You should ask him to download the app and log in. You'll see when his last contact with anyone was, when his most recent match was. You're not out of line to ask for this, because you've been cheated on and lied to in the past, you need a little more reassurance.
If he says yes and you look and there's nothing there, you need to accept that and move on from this. You've asked him to prove that he's trustworthy and he's done it.

Good luck.

Sickandscared · 13/05/2020 09:36

Him offering to show you his phone is a good sign. Go into settings and see what are the apps using most battery to put your mind at rest.

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 09:40

Thanks for your advice. The slight issue is, I checked a few months ago and he wasn't on there.... then suddenly today he is, with a new bio.
I can't see the wood for the trees as have been lied to so much in the past. Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship if I have to check up on him. I was so desperate to trust him. I'm so confused.

OP posts:

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 13/05/2020 09:43

Sorry op, you know the answer then. If you were to look at his phone he could have just deleted everything anyway.

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 09:48

I'm distraught. After a horrendous break up of a 15 year marriage I thought I'd found a good one. Absolutely in bits. Motherfucker. Aaaargh.

OP posts:

category12 · 13/05/2020 09:49

If he's got a new bio, then you know he's updated it.

There isn't any doubt. Sorry. You can flail around looking for alternative explanations, but he's lied.

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 09:50

I know but he's saying he did it months ago before we were 'serious'

OP posts:

MizMoonshine · 13/05/2020 09:54

So have a look and prove it to both of you.
Honestly, it could be that he isn't lying and it's a stepping stone to rebuilding trust.
Or he has and then you can throw the phone at his head.
There's no point in playing the guessing game when you can simply prove something. There's no harm in using available tools to assist.

Ilovebanoffeepie · 13/05/2020 09:57

The fact he has a new bio shows that he’s been active! I’m sorry OP! You deserve better!

wonderrotunda · 13/05/2020 09:58

Try and stay steady!
Look at this logically. You’ve said similar happen to you.
He is unlikely to go back to the same app he met you on if he wants to stay with you (which his actions suggest) that would just be TOO obvious surely. If it was a different’you night not recognise it’ photo then maybe, but it’s not. Your phone will have ‘remembered’ him as well...and may have shunted him to the top of the pile...algorithms are made like that..you must have noticed how your phone‘suggests’ things similar to stuff you’ve searched on. Please keep steady. I’m not saying he’s innocent but try not to let history colour in your new relationship

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 09:59

Yes you're right, sadly I went back on tinder to double check and hes completely disappeared so I think he's properly deleted the account so I'll never know.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 13/05/2020 10:06

Have a look at his phone.
Go to settings
Then battery
Wait for the usage to come up
It should show you where he is spending his time
If Tinder is in there then he's been on it!

I'm sorry OP. If his bio had changed then he's been on it.

category12 · 13/05/2020 10:11

Anything else can be explained away, but the updated bio could not.

baytreelane · 13/05/2020 10:11

Or it could show as 'recently deleted apps' if he's now deleted the app. But it'll show the usage over the last 10 days.

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 10:12

Yes, I will do the battery thing later.
Yes he admitted changing bio but said it was before Christmas... we had only been dating a couple of months but even that's a bit iffy as he was at the same time telling me he was falling for me big time but was scared I was going to get back with my ex (messy divorce exhtb massive headfuck)

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 13/05/2020 10:18

Sorry OP, it's clear he was actively on there.

copycopypaste · 13/05/2020 10:22

Tinder works on how active you are and how close you are. You bf has ticket but he the boxes, he's closest to you and he's the most active. If he hadn't been active for a few months, he wouldn't have appeared

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 10:25

Well he was in the next room... is that why he popped up?

OP posts:

wonderrotunda · 13/05/2020 10:26

But how active is anyone on Tinder during lockdown?!

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 10:26

Ok so how active you are does make a difference.
I'm so gutted

OP posts:

copycopypaste · 13/05/2020 10:26

Well he was in the next room... is that why he popped up?

Yes but he will also have had to be active too. If he'd not been active recently he wouldn't have popped up

SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 10:27

Maybe just for titillation, ego boost?
My main issue now is do I trust my gut instinct or is that way off kilter because I'm so damaged from my ex husband.
I need to see last apps used/battery.

OP posts:

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SadSausage44 · 13/05/2020 10:29

I'm reading such mixed messages on Google, some saying you can be off it for months and pop up and some saying not

OP posts:

MizMoonshine · 13/05/2020 10:30

I've definitely been inactive on tinder (app deleted but account not) before now and appeared on there. You don't have to be using it to appear.

wonderrotunda · 13/05/2020 10:33

“ the algorithm will start to recycle people you didn’t like the first time. It will also, I know from personal experience, recycle people you have matched with and then unmatched later, or even people you have exchanged phone numbers with and then unmatched after a handful of truly “whatever” dates.”
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.vox.com/platform/amp/2019/2/7/18210998/tinder-algorithm-swiping-tips-dating-app-science

Visibility can be something much less permanent than your score and is mainly influenced by how recently you have been active on the app. If you go offline for some time, say a week, your profile will get pushed further and further back in people’s queues the longer you stay away, but will pop right back to its usual position once you come back online.
www.swipehelper.com/2019/10/13/tinder-algorithm/
So if he just opened it (like you did...) he could pop right back to the top of the list

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