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OH and social media. Cheating?

(22 Posts)
MimiSP Mon 11-May-20 17:34:05

Me and my OH have been together for 8years with a blip in the beginning and a few years ago. We got together at 17 and after a year I found messages of him trying to meet up with another girl on instagram this was after he stayed at his friends house, I broke it off with him. Then two years ago we split again as he was messaging another girl on Instagram. I broke it off that time and we didn’t speak for a few months. After a few months we became friends again and then gradually we got back together and he had said he was stupid etc it wouldn’t happen again. Then two nights ago I found out he had messaged two girls two years ago after we got back together, asking 1 if she was single and another flirting. This was a few months before he proposed to me. Now I know it was two years ago but I’ve just found out and I can’t stop thinking that he’s probably done this to me more. He’s apologised and can’t say why he did it etc said he was going out with his mates a lot more who are like that. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been saving to buy our own house and we’re planning to get married next year and hopefully start a family later on. I’m finding it difficult to think about those things and have said the plans are off until I can trust him. I don’t think I can this time. I’m 25 and want to start making big life decisions but do I do them on my own?

OP’s posts: |
Thingsdogetbetter Mon 11-May-20 17:50:59

He did it. You dumped him. You forgave him. He did it again. You dumped him again. You forgave him again. He did it again with two different women AFTER you forgave him a second time. After promising never to do it again. And that's two women you know about - seems a bit much that he's only done it the times you happen to find out about.

See a recurrent pattern here? Cheat, breakup, forgive, cheat, breakup, forgive, cheat again.

How often are you prepared to do this dance? While you're married, as you bring up your kids?

People deserve a second chance, but a fourth?

Elmer83 Mon 11-May-20 17:54:35

Run!!! He can’t be trusted and he has broke your trust now...you will never feel secure with him. NEVER!
You are young still...cut your losses and realise you are worth more than him. As hard as it will be imagine a relationship where the respect is mutual and the love is trusting xx

Cantpickausername5 Mon 11-May-20 17:59:59

Rinse and repeat forever. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness if you marry him. You will never feel secure in your relationship, constantly on the look out for what his up to. I'm all for second chances but how many are you willing to hand out and how many has he actually gotten away with.

Louise91417 Mon 11-May-20 18:03:37

If theres no trust theres nothinghmm

Friendsofmine Mon 11-May-20 18:07:18

I think he is about 18 still in his mind with no hesitation in hurting you.

Get yourself tested and don't look back. He doesn't deserve you.

copycopypaste Mon 11-May-20 18:25:49

He's done the same thing time and time again, what makes you think this time around will be any different. A lifetime is a long time to be with someone who treats you with such disrespect and someone you can't trust due to his behaviour. You deserve so much bette

AnyFucker Mon 11-May-20 18:28:03

This is who he is. Always sniffing around other women. You can do better than this dog who cocks his leg at every lamp post. By the law of averages, he will get lucky one time.

TwentyViginti Mon 11-May-20 18:29:48

This is the 3rd thread I've read today about SM cheating. It seems these men want a dependable woman (and guaranteed shag) on the go, while feeling entitled to search out other options.

bubdee Mon 11-May-20 18:38:44

You're getting disrespected time and time again and forgiving. Know your worth OP! These things will always come up in future arguments even if you "sort it out" do you really want to have a life of feeling like you are in competition with others and constantly feeling insecure? He can SO easily do it now imagine the future when you've got kids where home can be stressful.

GilbertMarkham Mon 11-May-20 19:15:14

There are not many people in my experience who can be monogamous in n a relationship from 17 yrs old. That's my observation if both women and men, though men seem even more inclined to cheat.

Thats why I think it's a mistake for people to get into steady/serious relationships in their teens or even early twenties. Of course there are some people it suits, but there are plenty it doesn't.

Your fiance is clearly someone it hadn't suited. He's been caught four times now (is that right) tapping up other women and realistically there may be other times you haven't caught him for.

A person with integrity and without double standards would be honest and end he relationship or agree an open relationship or agree for each of you to do your own thing and the reunite if and when it suits you to do so (which often doesn't happen). There are definitely a shortage of people like that around, and again your fiance isn't one of them.

So .. guy can continue the relationship and hope that his attempts to sow his wild oats are over (but at 25 they may not be), accept that he has average of below average integrity, and accept that it may not just be wild oat sowing but may be his character.

Or you can agree to end the engagement, have a break and do your own thing for a while if he can be honest about whether he truly feels he's ready to be monogamous, and see how you're set at a later point. Bearing in mind that you may get involved with other people, those relationships may become serious and you may not get back together.

Or you end the engagement and relationship, on the basis that he's repeatedly tried to cheat (maybe has), has low integrity and honesty, it's possibly his character (not just the lack of realism behind two people getting into the life relationship at 17 and not being with anyone else) a d that maybe with the precedent being set - of him looking & trying with other women and you forgiving ; he'll think he can get away with it in an ongoing basis - esp when you're "stuck" with a ring on your finger and kids.

MsDogLady Mon 11-May-20 19:44:40

He will always feel entitled to sneak around looking for illicit sex/ego boosts. If you stick with him, you can expect a life filled with anxiety and uncertainty.

AllsortsofAwkward Mon 11-May-20 19:57:12

OP he would cheat given half the chance, theres nothing to say he hasnt done so on nights out. My friend was with someone like that and had two kids, he constantly messing about, she wasted 7 years shes ditched him and has never been happier. The poor girl hes with hes had another 2 kids with and cheats on her. Leave whilst you got no ties.

IndieTara Mon 11-May-20 20:01:01

Only stay with him if you want him to cheat on you again

WickedlyPetite Mon 11-May-20 20:06:07

You've let him get away with it several times already. Why is this time any different?

Mumoftwo1994 Mon 11-May-20 20:06:44

I know it’s hard but if he’s done this multiple times then it’s not a big deal for him to do it again. And if you're struggling now then having the ties of marriage and kids will be even more difficult. Also I want to say that just because you were together from 17 isn’t an excuse. I’ve been with my partner since 18, so 8 years in total and we have a house together + twin girls, if he truly loved you then he wouldn’t have done it repeatedly.

I hope this helps and doesn’t sound like bashing, you just deserve to be happy.

BackseatCookers Mon 11-May-20 20:48:20

He did it. You dumped him. You forgave him. He did it again. You dumped him again. You forgave him again. He did it again with two different women AFTER you forgave him a second time. After promising never to do it again. And that's two women you know about - seems a bit much that he's only done it the times you happen to find out about.

This. Ugh it's awful I know my love but he's proven himself to be untrustworthy for years now.

And I'm sorry but I wouldn't believe for a minute that he hasn't at least kissed girls on nights out especially if he's one to blame "the lads" for bad behaviour, as they're the types to egg each other on with no thought for the girlfriends at home.

Decent blokes don't want to encourage that sort of behaviour much less blame their friends for doing it themselves.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you know is capable of lying to you repeatedly, even after they've seen you devastated and promised they won't do it again?

You gave him another chance and then another one. You did your bit. You're 25 - got your whole life ahead of you, time to do whatever you want to do re family / careers / locations etc. Don't waste it on someone who lies to you and treats you with "out of sight out of mind" values.

Dery Mon 11-May-20 21:07:51

"Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you know is capable of lying to you repeatedly, even after they've seen you devastated and promised they won't do it again?

You gave him another chance and then another one. You did your bit. You're 25 - got your whole life ahead of you, time to do whatever you want to do re family / careers / locations etc. Don't waste it on someone who lies to you and treats you with "out of sight out of mind" values."

This.

Your OH is not to be trusted. You've caught him doing this three times (including not long after you had forgiven him and taken him back a second time) so all his apologies and promises mean nothing.

And like PP, I think it is unlikely that you have caught him on every occasion that he has done this so there's a very good chance that he has done this on many more occasions. But three times is more than enough.

And this is what he's like before you've married and started a family. Having small children puts huge pressure on even the most secure of relationships. There is nothing in his behaviour that suggests he is mature enough for that commitment and everything to suggest he'll be off like a shot chasing other women and avoiding his obligations at home.

Nah - get him gone. He's had multiple chances. He's blown them. It's time for you to move on to a life without him. Enjoy being single for a while and making those big life decisions for yourself that you want to start making, and then in time you can make some space in your life for someone who will treat you with loyalty and respect.

crossroads1 Mon 11-May-20 21:17:20

You’re 25! High probability he will cheat in the future.. starts as social media and then they see what they can get away with and do more in the future. You’re too young to be living with those thoughts and being anxious all the time. Get out there (not literally.. hello COVID) but live your life freely. You’ll regret it otherwise

CaptainBlunderpants Mon 11-May-20 21:24:06

So by marrying him you’re willing to spend the rest of your life continually forgiving him for his cheating? Why would you do that?

You’re 25! You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it.

Being single is not worse than this.

Closetbeanmuncher Mon 11-May-20 22:34:22

He's fundamentally untrustworthy, a huge character flaw imo. Seriously OP how much more time and energy are you prepared to waste on this thirsty loser??

As for marrying him, buying a house and having children... absolutely fucking zero chance.

Raise your bar.

PicsInRed Mon 11-May-20 22:39:36

You're going to step off the conveyor belt for this lump of chum? I know nothing about you and yet it's still certain you can do better than Mr Chum. hmm

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