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Has anyone else's older children suffered?

(13 Posts)
user1467480231 Mon 11-May-20 16:57:52

Long story short, my exH met an OW (aged 29) abroad in the Philippines. Dropped the bombshell on us and left within 2 days (after 24 years of marriage). Our children were 16 and 18 at the time (they are now 20 and 22) and devastated beyond belief.

ExH got OW pregnant within three months and said it was a mistake and that she tricked him (that old chestnut!) and tried to get OW to abort baby (!). He then agreed to have baby and told my kids that he would have the snip (due to his age, 53 and the fact he did not want anymore kids...ever !). He never speaks to our children about the child, nor the other woman. It's like they don't exist.

My children (although adults now) were deeply affected by their dad having another baby and as he moved abroad, they've only seen him for three weeks each year or so. They really feel they missed out on some teenage years whereby they would have loved to have had a dad around.

A mutual friend told me today that the Ex has another baby -who is 2 or 3 months old already- (friend assumed we'd know) and of course, the exH has not told our children a single thing. Considering he's had nearly a year to tell them, I personally think it's a really shit thing to do.

Should I tell the children myself to stop them for getting a shock at some point or leave it to the ex? I feel dreadful that I now know.

OP’s posts: |
Elieza Mon 11-May-20 17:15:57

Can you speak to the ex and let him know the cats out the bag and unless he wants them to hear it through the grapevine instead of him, he’s best get them told about his other baby soon.

user1467480231 Mon 11-May-20 17:19:19

We have no contact, except through lawyers.
What will also hurt the children is that their grandmother knows and has not told them.

OP’s posts: |
Elieza Mon 11-May-20 18:58:09

Can you tell her to tell him then? Presumably you’re allowed to speak to her?

Cosyblanky Mon 11-May-20 19:01:57

Personally O woul

Cosyblanky Mon 11-May-20 19:06:20

Personally I would tell them myself if their father/grandmother is not forthcoming. They may well feel betrayed by you if they find out you knew and didn't tell them. They WILL find out, so it's best coming from you if their dad or gran won't do it.

Pinkybutterfly Mon 11-May-20 19:11:57

I would say... I met x and they told me this not sure if it's true...

megrichardson Mon 11-May-20 19:14:20

I would be inclined to tell them, because if/when it all comes out and it transpired that you knew all the time, you might somehow end up being the bad guy.

KaronAVyrus Mon 11-May-20 19:15:59

I would tell them. It’s better they hear it from you than some randomer. Your ex is a piece of shit and his mum should be ashamed of herself for not letting her two grandsons know that they have a new sibling.

loutypips Mon 11-May-20 19:23:41

Maybe they know and haven't told you to spare your feelings?

HMSSophie Mon 11-May-20 19:28:29

You need your DC to trust you to be open with them and not to withhold info relevant to their lives, which their (utter shit of a) DF does so readily.

AgentJohnson Mon 11-May-20 19:44:22

You need your DC to trust you to be open with them and not to withhold info relevant to their lives, which their (utter shit of a) DF does so readily.

This

I know it’s hard but the greatest gift you can give your children is supporting them in accepting their father for who he is. Pragmatism is far easier on the soul than misplaced hope.

DD’s dad terminated contact only sending her a pre recorded message (refused to have a live conversation with her) once a year. On the last pre recorded message he gleefully declared that he had another child and that DD had a younger brother. Since then we haven’t heard a peep out of him.

user1467480231 Mon 11-May-20 20:28:53

I just CANNOT believe that he hasn't told them. Mind you, his parting words when he left our marriage were "I'm a coward".

How very, very true!

OP’s posts: |

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