I’ve ended my relationship, now doubting myself

[Marbling]

Hello, I don’t know if this is normal or just that I find it incredibly hard to end even shit relationships, but I ended things with my DP last night and now I don’t feel sure.

We’d been together two and a half years since my dd was one. She doesn’t have contact with her dad (His choice) so dp was the only father figure she’s ever known and they are so close. They really love each other and he is amazing with her.

We only moved in with him a few months ago - I let out my flat which I own and moved into his house which he owns.

He’s a good man, honest and principled and not the sort to ever lie or cheat (as much as you can ever know about someone of course) and he has done so much for us in practical/financial terms. For example he refuses to accept any money from me for anything, allowing me to pay off my credit card in really big chunks with my wages.

The main problem is his complete inability to handle stress and his bad temper. He flips out and has a huge go at me at times when I don’t really deserve it, due to him being stressed by other things. I believe he is suffering from depression and would benefit from treatment for that and also counselling for things in his past which I believe affect him now (severe bullying at school). He’s in his mid forties so I think if he was going to figure this out without help he would have done that by now, but he refuses to get help.

As I said, he is a kind person and is always thinking of things to make me and my dd happy but then he’ll flip at something and I feel like that undoes the good he does. He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I’m ungrateful for being unhappy with his moods and temper when he does so much for us.

I’m obviously not perfect but I can honestly say I don’t berate him the way he does me at times.

More minor things that I’m unhappy with are the fact that he is a very messy person so I spend a lot of time cleaning and tidying as he only does so occasionally. He is just happier with a higher level of mess than me, and that won’t change.

Sex is also not great and very infrequent. If everything else was good in the relationship that wouldn’t bother me as much though.

Yesterday I was feeling very down due to the covid situation, not being able to see my friends and family and not getting a proper break from childcare (like many of us, of course). I was withdrawn and probably obviously feeling shit but I didn’t inflict it on him directly in any way by being snappy or anything like that. He was being nice to me all day but then it seemed as though he got frustrated with my not seeming happy and just went crazy at me, shouting repeatedly that I had been ‘rude’ all day (I really hadn’t) and that I was a disgrace. That he had been trying to make me happy all day and it nothing he did was working (I’m detailing this because it’s quite typical and was also the final straw for me).

So I ended things and will be giving my tenants 2 months notice to leave (which I also feel terrible about but I have nowhere else to go, obviously can’t stay with my parents at the moment).

I’m not money-oriented but I was struggling a lot as a single parent before and he is quite financially comfortable so part of me is thinking that I’m crazy to go back to that if only for my DD’s sake. I also feel terrible about leaving the only dad she’s ever known.

I feel so mixed up. Do you think I’m doing the right thing? I so wish I could speak to someone in person right now

[LouiseTrees]

I know this isn’t maybe helpful but I’m not sure if you are allowed to evict your tenants right now in a no fault eviction. Have you taken legal advice?

[TinRoofRusty]

No amount of money is worth subjecting your child and yourself to a person with a bad temper who 'can't handle stress'. He's not depressed, don't use excuses for his bad traits and even if he was, the only one who can do anything about that is himself, he has to want to change and get help. You did the right thing.

[Marbling]

Hi yes I wouldn’t be evicting them, I’d be giving them notice to leave as per the tenancy agreement, I checked with the letting agents and they said that was fine. Perhaps I need to check again?

[Marbling]

Thank you @TinRoofRusty

[coronaornona]

If you had good enough reasons to end it then you should end it.
It's a shame when someone ticks a lot of boxes but his aggression is really unacceptable.
You're walking on eggshells and your daughter will be too before long.
You've done the right thing

[CodenameVillanelle]

Yes you did the right thing. That kind of behaviour is emotional abuse.
And yes, you can serve your tenants notice.

[Marbling]

Thank you @coronaornona and @CodenameVillanelle

[NeverCastaClout]

What was his response? Does he want you to go or would he be prepared to make it work?

[Aerial2020]

He said you were a disgrace????

[Aerial2020]

That sounds like shaming. Something a father would say.

[Marbling]

I think if I went to him and said I wanted to try again then he would agree, but I don’t believe he will change as he doesn’t seem able to control it. He never used to be like this though otherwise I wouldn’t have moved in with him. He blames work stress and other issues and apologises. I know he loves us and he is never angry towards dd. But I’m finding even the 5% of the time that he is like this is making me unhappy. He has said that I’m throwing all the good away and maybe I am, which is why I’m torn. He is lovely most of the time. But I keep remembering the way he was shouting repeatedly at me that I was ‘a disgrace’ yesterday and I just don’t want to feel that way in a relationship.

[Marbling]

X posted with @Aerial2020 yes, that just seems way over the top and inappropriate, and so personal.

[Aerial2020]

If your mood was down, how on earth is that disgraceful?
Sorry I've picked up on that out of all the rest of your post because that is so damaging and will effect your self esteem staying with him
He sounds like an abusive parnent, not a partner.

[Aerial2020]

Parent that should say

[billy1966]

OP, you did the right thing.

Obviously he has qualities that you liked but he is emotionally abusive.

He sounds unhinged and you are an emotional punching bag for him.

However well your daughter likes him, she will grow up knowing his rages and verbal abuse of you as a big part of her childhood.

Nothing will ever make up for this.

You can't fix him.
It really is that simple.

Him going crazy because you were feeling a bit off is scary.

I wouldn't want any child around that unpredictability at any cost.

Be strong, you have made the right choice.

Continue to put your child first.

[TorkTorkBam]

You have done the right thing

[Marbling]

@Aerial2020 yes it is that particular phrase that keeps replaying in my head. He often says I’m rude, and I ask him for examples but he can never give me one, just says it’s my tone or the way I said something. And I suppose even though I don’t think I have been rude or my tone hasn’t been unpleasant, it’s possible that it sounded that way and I didn’t realise. But I have lots of friends and surely if I was constantly rude without realising someone else would have said something or people wouldn’t want to be friends with me? It’s a difficult thing to defend myself against when he says it. But the ‘disgrace‘ thing is unjustifiable I think.

[Marbling]

Thank you to those I cross posted with, I really appreciate it and I’m feeling stronger

[Littleshortcake]

I really think you are doing the right thing. Your child is going to pick up on his bad temper and there isn't much sexual chemistry. So other than financial reasons and the relationship with your daughter there isn't much there. be confident in your decision.

[anditgoeson]

When you said he told you you were throwing the good away alarm bells rang for me. That's what my ex used to say to me everytime he did something wrong. It's not you that's throwing it away its him. My ex would blame everything he could when he would lose his temper, he could act whatever way he wanted but I just had to be happy, lighten up and have fun more if I was in a mood. Very manipulative and damaging.

I understand what you are saying about your daughter but in my experience these things get worse not better. Better to get her out of that situation now. Shes only young she will get over it.

Left unchecked aggressive behaviour just escalates, my ex threw me into the kitchen cupboards and dislocated my shoulder but I was to blame too apparently.

I gave him another go and before too long the arguments were escalating again and my trust in his ability to contain himself were gone.

I understand you are worried about money, it is hard as a single parent but trust me, there are some things that are infinitely more important than money.

[Isawamagpie]

Please, please don't stay with this man.

These issues won't get better, only worse. You have done the right thing.

My DP can be similar to yours, but I'm a very financially tied to him, however if I could have the freedom to leave like you, many times I would have. Even if he is nice to DD, your DD will hear and see what he's doing to you and it not a nice environment to have her in.

Shes young enough at the moment it won't make much difference to her if she doesn't see him again.

My DP has recently been saying that I'm unhappy, even if I'm just having a normal, quiet day. He become frustrated and angry with me in very much the same way as your Dp does.

These things don't get better. You've done the right thing.

[RantyAnty]

You're doing the right thing. You've only been living there a few months and think about how many times he's kicked off at you.

Makes no sense to say he was trying all day to make you happy, so he shouts at you and calls you names. Like that is going to help.

[anditgoeson]

You are already doubting yourself arent you? You mention your friends and how if were rude you would know. Sorry but again I've been there, he's making you doubt yourself. Get yourself out of this relationship while you can before it turns you inside out.

[CuppaZa]

You are doing the right thing

[picklemewalnuts]

It will only get worse. You made a good call, moving out while you still can.

In the meantime, be extra careful not to get pregnant.

He's using 'niceness' and generosity as a foil to allow him to be nasty when he wants to.