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Why do Exh cheaters get annoyed when you meet someone

(28 Posts)
downtheglen Mon 11-May-20 14:17:04

Just this really... Any ideas?
He cheated on me, left me and the family to be with her nearly a year ago.
Why would he care if I am chatting to someone else? He seems
To have a chip about this. Would it be anything to do with the new man being seen to be more ' successful' or 'better off' or
Nicer car than him ? I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't think of any other reason. Any experience of this please?
I feel I have to hide the new man ,even though it's casual , because I'm
Afraid that when I file for divorce , citing infidelity on his part ,he is going to cause trouble.Thanks.

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Mon 11-May-20 14:30:13

Could be a more successful thing. Cool yes generally just be a I don’t want her but no one else can have her either thing. Could be not wanting to be replaced in the “family” ie calling the new guy dad etc or him getting to spend more time with the family. Whole host of reasons

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 11-May-20 14:30:16

Because he broke your heart so permanently you will never, ever recover. You will always be sat, alone, waiting for him to return to you and you will never regain any sort of normality without him, thus leaving you eternally single, sad and available to him and him alone.

You break the Sad Abandoned Bitch Covenant when you carry on as normal, let alone get a new man!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Mon 11-May-20 14:36:25

Because he’s unique, special and irreplaceable. Or was, until you replaced him. Therefore it’s your fault that you have introduced the faintest possibility that he’s just an ordinary guy when he knows in his heart that he’s so special you should be mourning your relationship with him forever.

Raidblunner Mon 11-May-20 14:42:40

Typical, he doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you. My ex wifes the same, she'z fucking horrible to my partner and a lady I was with before. And she's been married 7 years. It's a strange phenomenon that, I've always wished her well but there you go.

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 11-May-20 14:42:58

Oh! Should have said this am not guessing. I was told all of my last post by a serial cheater. I told his partner what he had been doing, I told him I would, he thought it was funny, she wouldn't believe me. She did, eventually.

After about 18 months she rebuilt her life - he had had no small number of affairs, including 2 sisters, both of whom had a kid by him. She was a totally normal woman, has no idea she had moved herself into a soap opera.

He came to me, angry and very upset that she had moved on. He figured he could tell me as I already knew everything. He was puzzled, couldn't work out how she could act as though nothing has happened. How could she move on, what would that do to their son, etc?

Oh, and would I tell her to stop seeing the new man and go back to being alone and miserable? Yeah, right mate!

About 3 years after that she contacted me. Wanted to meet and talk about it all, put it to rest between us. I told her about my last conversation with him and she was highly amused. She didn't invite me to her wedding but we are now very good, close friends. We don't talk about him any more, well, not unless drunk, or when her son wants to know about his dad (she tells me what she really wants to say, aka vents, and then talks calmly to him).

I've also known a woman who was much the same when her patient DH finally walked away. She didn't believe he would divorce her, let alone cite her affairs as the reason. She was furious... mainly that he had the nerve to leave, make her look bad.

People who cheat have a different turn of mind, I think!

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 11-May-20 14:43:45

Sorry, there really were paragraphs in that!!!

category12 Mon 11-May-20 14:44:11

Why not get on with the divorce? If you're not intending to do it anytime soon, just do it after 2 years separation, don't make it more contentious by going for adultery.

RainMustFall Mon 11-May-20 14:55:39

Ego. They need and expect you to sit at home pining for them because they are god's gift. It comes as a bit of a shock to the poor dears to discover that not only are you not pining but are dating other men and in their fertile imagination, bonking for England, even if it's not the reality.

mummmy2017 Mon 11-May-20 15:00:35

Once the excitement of the new location be wears thin, they are shocked to maybe be worse off that they were with you.
The fact your happy and moving on becomes a dig at them in their head.

Mascotte Mon 11-May-20 15:05:59

Oh.. this happened with mine too.

I gave him loads of chances as we'd been married for years, the usual. He eventually left anyway. It was awful.

Then he found out I was chatting to my now dp and, lo and behold, wanted me back!

He still hates me and DP and that's been three years 🤷‍♀️ He's apparently still nobbing the OW too, though it's still quite secret, but he should he happy.

I just assume it's because he's realised I am, in fact, the best he'd ever get 😃

trappedsincesundaymorn Mon 11-May-20 15:17:16

Because you're supposed to be sobbing in a corner mourning the loss of the "god" he perceives himself to be.

RandomMess Mon 11-May-20 15:25:50

Because he's a knob!!

downtheglen Mon 11-May-20 15:27:46

Thanks for all the insights.
He will never darken my door again and he knows that but beside that, I don't think he ever would want to be back with me.
He didn't' do' family , shit husband , worse father.
Some cheek of him though!
The new man is a legal professional so I expect that this is why it could be pushing him over the edge , from the point of view of all the legal Stuff that needs to be worked out yet and the exh thinking that I am
Being advised, especially when he feels
hard done by .
My exh also loves cars but hasn't managed to get one for himself since the separation so this could possibly be another bone of contention..

OP’s posts: |
munzero Mon 11-May-20 15:38:45

Probably assumed you wouldn't be okay without him. Jealousy.

JoJothesquirrel Mon 11-May-20 15:43:47

Someone explained this to me. Dh’s exwife cheated on him, left, moved in with the OM, got him engaged, all within 6 months. 2 years later they gave their wedding booked and have had a kid. I come on the scene and she loses her mind, calls me a slut and a home wrecker and starts telling anyone who’ll listening we’ve been having an affair. I didn’t even know him when he was married.
Apparently it’s exactly as pp said, she was expecting him to stay on the reserves bench forever. Once her husband always her husband, even when she has a new husband. She still hates me.

downtheglen Tue 12-May-20 10:54:56

Thanks for all your opinions... it beggars belief doesn't it!

OP’s posts: |
Rainbowqueeen Tue 12-May-20 10:58:54

@RainMustFall is spot on. It’s pure ego.

That’s why they cheat too - it’s all about them

LouHotel Tue 12-May-20 11:02:12

My favourite rebound story is a friend of a friend whose ex husband was a serial cheater who eventually left her. Well when they were together he would buy her jewellery gifts of high quality from a collection of stores that also sourced there own diamonds - it turned out that the owner of these stores had a massive crush on the friend of friend so when the serial cheater left her they eventually got together.

Serial cheater was devastated by his ex wife now being with a fucking diamond magnate and 5 years on tries to play victim.

downtheglen Tue 12-May-20 11:15:43

Oh I love it !!!! Brilliant story.
In my case my exh has lost so much in every way but especially financially. He was aghast that I insisted on keeping the car despite having our kids 90-95% of the time and wanted us to share the car.. even though he didn't pay the loan on it. He also temporarily lost his job and his family and friends were really mad with him.He felt so so sorry for himself , like the world was against him.
This new man I'm seeing is very into cars and that's what he likes to spend his money on so my exh nearly fell down when he saw the car in the drive and ever since he has been spitting fire
With me. My new man also has a good job so it's all kicked off for me now sadly .

OP’s posts: |
Lobelia123 Tue 12-May-20 11:21:01

Its because it changes the narrative of the story thats in their head....in that version they have all the power and call the shots, they are the desirable ones who break hearts and make people happy or unhappy depending on whether they choose to be with them. When you move on and find happiness on your own, their little egotistical dream of how important they are in the world is broken and they get angry. Thats why they say that living well is the best revenge.....so true!

RandomMess Tue 12-May-20 12:18:23

He's gutted that you got an upgrade 😂

MissMarianHalcombe Tue 12-May-20 12:30:00

My exH also kicked off. He’d had numerous affairs over the years that he decided I deserved to know about on the day he walked out. We divorced quickly and I kept the house. He knocked on the door 6 months later and I wouldn’t let him in. He insisted on knowing if I had a man in his house. Err my house and none of your business. He then emailed me to say I was the love of his life and how sorry he was, although I knew his OW was pregnant at the time. And I did have a man in “his house” that turned out to be my now DH.
I didn’t expect any different from him really. He was a bell end while we were married, and a bell end he remained.

SortingItOut Tue 12-May-20 12:30:03

I got rid of my husband 2 years ago as he had numerous emotional affairs over our 17 year marriage.

First the first 2 weeks he thought me telling him to leave was just becsuse I was angry and I'd calm down, when I then saw a solicitor to get him out of my house he was shocked and left 2 weeks later.

Then once he was in his new place he thought after a few months I'd let him return because I was just punishing him and wanted him back really.

Once I filed for divorce he still thought it was a punishment and once we were divorced we could start our relationship again - dating, him moving in with me etc

Then once he knew I was hanging out with a new guy he hot the roof, stalked and harassed me, went in my house and stole things, put a tracker on my car, sent suicide threats etc
How dare I move on? How dare I find someone 1000x better than him?
I was supposed to be compliant and beg him to come back because these emotional affairs meant nothing to him, they were an ego boost, he will love me forever and would never have left me so why did I end our marriage?

As someone else said, cheaters have a different mindset to us normal people.
My ex husband honestly believed I would stick around forever while he got his ego stroked by other women and had me running the home, cooking, having sex all while working full time and he never lifted a finger.
I think it hurt his ego to realise he had lost me and I was never having him back.

Serenity45 Tue 12-May-20 12:57:02

ExP seemed shocked to the core when I met someone new. I'd stayed (deliberately) single for 2 years after we split up and I'm sure he thought I was mourning him the stupid twat

Met my now DH 12 years ago. He's 10 years younger than ex DP, prob earns at least twice as much and is still fit as fuck grin

We'd not long married when I bumped into ex at a local pub...he had heard I now lived with someone but I was most pleased to accidentally let my v sparkly and quite expensive wedding and engagement rings catch the light as I paid. Oh and I'd lost 4 stone and was reliably informed by friends that I looked great. Karma is indeed a bitch

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