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What would you think about this?

(36 Posts)
Lifeasamum Sun 10-May-20 22:06:40

If your boyfriend was constantly on his phone and slept more downstairs on your sofa than in your bed?

OP’s posts: |
SittingAround1 Sun 10-May-20 22:08:11

Who is he on the phone to?

HollowTalk Sun 10-May-20 22:09:27

I'd wonder why he was still my boyfriend. And I'd wonder what he was up to on the sofa, too.

Simonfromharlow Sun 10-May-20 22:10:01

I'd think he wanted to end the relationship

Hettie25677 Sun 10-May-20 22:12:59


I would not be ok with that! What on earth is he doing that's more important than spending time with his girlfriend...

AdaColeman Sun 10-May-20 22:14:58

I’d be thinking that it was time to tell him to leave.

Lifeasamum Sun 10-May-20 22:26:03

If I ask he gives excuses after excuse I feel asleep or you are so miserable. I'm so confused as I know he isn't treating me right for example he criticises me on every aspect of my life, he belittles my job I work in care and because I only work 7.5 hours a shift I have no right to be tired plus I have 3 kids. If I speak to my family or friends he starts mocking them that I end up feeling uncomfortable I end the calls. Clearly to me he is unhappy and so am I but if I try and end things i get tears that he loves me so much and turns it all onto me I start believing it's me, he says that I'm crazy and I need to go to the doctors for anti depressants. ( I had a very bad childhood went through a lot of abuse) I know That I'm stupid so pls don't judge me I'm just finding it so hard to get out of this

OP’s posts: |
MaeveDidIt Sun 10-May-20 22:55:32

He is at best a head fuck and at worst an abuser.
Get shot of the arsehole pisstaker as soon as you can.
Be strong - you will be fine once he's gone 💐

littlem133 Sun 10-May-20 22:57:22

Look up gaslighting and coercive and controlling behaviour then call your local domestic abuse support line for guidance

Honeyroar Sun 10-May-20 23:00:01

Try to end it again. You’re doing the right thing. Deep down you know that. Don’t let him play you.

GinGinHooray Sun 10-May-20 23:02:48

He sounds quite immature and not ready for a committed relationship. You aren't getting to affection and support you need, he doesn't sound happy either....but then panics and can't face being alone. You need to be strong and decide what you want from a relationship...if this isn't it then you need to kindly but firmly end it once and for all.

CuppaZa Sun 10-May-20 23:03:01

I’d think he had someone else lined up

SittingAround1 Sun 10-May-20 23:11:17

From your second post I'd say he is an abuser who won't make you happy.

Lifeasamum Sun 10-May-20 23:12:58

Your all so right I need to get out of it. Thanks all where he twists it all onto me I actually then believe I'm the one who is in the wrong I just needed clarification that this isn't right.

OP’s posts: |
MsDogLady Sun 10-May-20 23:13:50

...he criticizes me on every aspect of my life...he belittles my job...have no right to be tired...he starts mocking them [friends and family]...he says that I’m crazy.

This abuser is treating you with utter contempt and then shifting the blame to you by calling you crazy. He enjoys diminishing you and is a terrible role model for your children. Please remove him from your life!

Gutterton Sun 10-May-20 23:17:11

He is draining your emotional energy and turning what you have left negative. He is depleting and diminishing you. Drip by drip.

But the real victims of this are your DCs - because they have a sad preoccupied Mum - which means you have less emotional focus and energy for them so they miss out on having you be the best Mum that you can.

A boyfriend should enhance your life, bring you joy, confidence, focus, energy - so that you are a happier and better person. This would be fabulous for your DCs, you on your own but content would be great for them as well - you being emotionally eroded is bad for them.

TheTickingTime Sun 10-May-20 23:17:46

That really must be taking it's toll on you. It's clearly something he does to signal to you that you don't matter. The way he is regarding your family chats is abusive. He may not see it that way, and I bet if you have ever called him out on his behaviour, he's classic reply is you can't take a joke, or your family is this that or the other.

He us emotionally abusive when you pull away and request things change, specially if you claim the relationship is over, the crying and pleading is a classic abuser move.

Mocking your work hours is horrible, my ex use to do that and tell me I didn't deserve to eat because I only worked part time. So I understand. Of course he wants you to believe you are crazy, otherwise he will have to face it that he is abusive and take accountability, but he will never do that.

He may do this for a while, and you may even get use to the abuse, and you will possibly normalise his awful behaviour, I know I did. Until he escilated the abuse, and your partner may do that too, they don't just stop with words only.

I hope you find the strength to put yourself and your kids first, whatever he will say, and plead, and threaten to do, it's all part of keeping himself in the comforts he has now. So if you decide this is it, then you got to be stronger than you have ever been before. You have been strong before, you can be strong enough again.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 10-May-20 23:18:43

What's your living situation op?

Lifeasamum Sun 10-May-20 23:26:31

I just hate that Iv let him into my life. I feel like I'm following in my mums footsteps choosing the wrong partners ignoring red flags just wanting to be loved so sad I know. Yes when I question the behaviour it's always all my fault. I do not want my kids thinking this is how they should be treated this is the normal.

OP’s posts: |
Lifeisconfusing Sun 10-May-20 23:27:21

Right get yourself a plan for the sake of you and your children. You don’t want them to experience the abuse you had. Put your head up high and get the hell out, make a new life. Ring and get support flowers

AdaColeman Sun 10-May-20 23:32:42

All that you say about his actions show that he is behaving just like a classic controlling abuser.
Belittling you, telling you that you are crazy, blaming you for any problems, then crying and saying how much he loves you, these are all techniques that he is using to manipulate your emotions and control your actions.

Try ringing the Woman’s Aid help line for advice, and use this lockdown time to make a good practical plan to get rid of him. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to from one of the online benefits calculators.

SandyY2K Sun 10-May-20 23:41:31

Is he the father of your children?

If so, you need to maintain a coparent relationship for the kids. If not, tell him it's not working for you and end it.

You don't need to see him again.

Lifeasamum Sun 10-May-20 23:47:22

No he isn't thankfully. Me and the kids dad have amicable relationship and the kids are everything to us both. I'm starting therapy next week and yes your all right I'm going to end it for good. Thanks all for your advice has really helped me

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MsDogLady Sun 10-May-20 23:53:34

Don’t fall for his big tears and declarations of love designed to manipulate you. His usual cruelty is the opposite of ‘love.’

Lifeasamum Mon 11-May-20 00:00:47

No I won't someone who loves you wouldn't treat you like this. I use to be such a outgoing happy person now I hate the person I am Iv been so weak I always said growing up I'd never allow a man to treat me bad like my mum did but I was fooled because the start I though yes finally a good man 🤦‍♀️ Never again will I ignore red flags

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