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I feel like a house mate

(22 Posts)
Dove71 Sun 10-May-20 13:02:30

We've been together 4yrs. Great relationship for the 1st year. He had a back operation which has lead us into a sexless relationship due to his depression and medication he was taking. We haven't had sex in 3yrs. I've always had a thought that we'd get things going again but it hasn't. We have no connection. It's put a big strain on our relationship as I've become increasingly insecure over it all, even more now because I asked him why we don't have sex (not a topic we talk about) his reply was a light went out because he didn't like the feel of my saggy bum (I've put 1 stone of weight on due to HRT) He says he couldn't tell me before because he didn't want to hurt me as he loves me. I'm absolutely mortified and not sure I can carry on. HELP...I don't know what to do

OP’s posts: |
wavecatcher Sun 10-May-20 13:16:40

Why are you wasting your time in a sexless relationship? Do you miss having sex? Do you think he will suddenly want it again? It's nothing to do with your bum, it's his issues. Not many would put up with him being the way he is I know I wouldn't. Don't let him make you feel bad for his issues. Please don't waste any more time your missing out.

Dove71 Sun 10-May-20 13:25:07

Wavecatcher...I miss the sex and the connection it gave us. It's made me a paranoid mess and him saying that has just made it worse. I'm aware my body shape has changed and am doing something about it but his has changed to but I love him for who he is!

OP’s posts: |
Honeyroar Sun 10-May-20 13:30:29

It sounds like you’ve put up with a lot because of his issues, like depression and his op, yet he’s now blaming the issues on you. Not fair. It doesn’t sound like there’s much relationship left. Could you suggest some counselling together to help decide whether it’s run it’s course or not?

redbigbananafeet Sun 10-May-20 13:31:09

He's projecting his own inadequacies onto you. It's nothing to do with your bum and all to do with his own insecurities. He's trying to make you feel like you're lucky to have him and no one else would want you because he's terrified you'll leave him.

Hedgehog44 Sun 10-May-20 13:43:08

Oh bless you. That's rubbish. I definitely feel it's his problem and nothing to do with you and he shouldn't try and make you feel bad.

EstrellaPequena Sun 10-May-20 13:44:18

You deserve more. You deserve that feeling of being wanted, of being attractive, of being loved.

And you deserve more than propping someone up in their worst times and them painting their shit onto you and trying to pass it off as yours.

Dove71 Sun 10-May-20 13:55:33

Honeyroar....I have had counselling a while back due to insecurities. The whole non sex thing over the years has taken its toll with my confidence and now this, I'm questioning the whole relationship now where as before I thought we could fix it. He says I'm needy and he cant stand it which I feel I am and it's just got worse now, I can't seem to help it. Even more so now.

OP’s posts: |
Dove71 Sun 10-May-20 13:57:17

Thank you for all your replies, I don't know how to reply properly as yet, I've only just joined.

OP’s posts: |
Dontletitbeyou Sun 10-May-20 13:57:29

He’s just deflecting the issue and putting it at your door .
Sex stopped after his back operation , and the resulting medications and depression . Depression often has an effect on libido and sexual performance . May be that he is nervous weather he will be able to rise to the occasion or not , so much easier to be blaming it all on you to start off with .
He sounds like the one with the issues , Shane he feels the need to act like a arsehole and not just discuss the issue with you like an adult

Honeyroar Sun 10-May-20 13:57:46

No, I meant it’s him that really needs counselling, as it’s him with the problems (even if he’s trying to push the blame onto you). I think you’re right to be questioning the relationship. He’s lucky. Most people in your shoes would be long gone.

searchaway Sun 10-May-20 14:34:42

Hang on a minute! He’s calling you needy and saying it’s your saggy bum but you stuck by him during a back op and his depression. That didn’t make you stop wanting sex did it? He took sex off the table and it’s incredibly vile to say those things to you. He’s not being fair and he should be feeling lucky that you’ve stuck by him! You deserve better than this. You sound like a lovely person. You don’t have to tolerate this. You have the right to a fulfilling relationship with somebody who loves your saggy bits

searchaway Sun 10-May-20 14:35:42

and wanting sex after not having any for 3 years is NOT being needy! He’s an idiot I’m afraid and you should consider moving on

CorianderLord Sun 10-May-20 15:41:08

Oh dear, I was about to say that sex does become less frequent sometimes but no sex in 3 years would make me feel very unloved and like a housemate.

His response was cruel and would be the reason I needed to leave him. If he could recognise the issues like his sex drive just going since the op or something and was willing to speak to a doctor/ try and get healthier mentally and work on intimacy I could have stayed.

But, clearly he's blaming your tiny weight gain for his feelings of sexlessness and probably embarrassment and rage because he feels emasculated. Don't be mortified I think he's just trying to hurt you.

SandyY2K Sun 10-May-20 17:29:43

Make plans to end the relationship or it will ruin your self esteem and confidence.

Leave him to be on his own.

Ryah1 Sun 10-May-20 18:04:04

It’s not you, it’s him. He’s lost his sex drive and rather then address it, he’s trying to blame you for his problem.

GCHWho Sun 10-May-20 20:22:05

Tell him you are having arse rectification surgery ... then show him his pre packed bags by the front door.

EvaAfter Mon 11-May-20 10:15:04

Goodness, he’s shifted the issue to you by blaming your body. That comment was designed to put your libido back in a box and lock the door!!

OP - please don’t put up with being made to feel like this. I know the pain it causes, as my H said similar to me when actually I know he’s started to experience impotence!! We’ve got DC though, so it’s not as quick to unravel.

If you aren’t tied to him with DC, maybe you can wave him good riddance quicker

Yellowsubmarinedreams Mon 11-May-20 10:20:27

Dump him!!!!! You are wasting your time.

mummmy2017 Mon 11-May-20 10:24:58

Wondering what your situation is.
Who owns the house.
Wages ect.

ravenmum Mon 11-May-20 11:07:36

He says he couldn't tell me before because he didn't want to hurt me
And now he's OK with hurting you, or what? I ask, as complaining about your bum sounds deliberately hurtful (did he really call it saggy?), as does calling you "needy". If I didn't want to hurt someone, I might vaguely talk about "changes" to their body, at the most. But more likely, if I didn't want to hurt someone, but didn't fancy them any more after just a year or two together, I'd end it nicely, telling them that the spark wasn't there and hoping they'd find someone they got on better with.

He sounds really quite unpleasant. What is it that's making you hesitate?

Opaljewel Mon 11-May-20 11:13:42


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