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Can someone direct me to the thread about women who regretted ending their marriage?

(26 Posts)
Mkh873w Sun 10-May-20 11:56:27

I can’t find it. And it is my greatest fear.

OP’s posts: |
VettiyaIruken Sun 10-May-20 12:02:24

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3893349-Does-anyone-regret-ltb-and-becoming-a-single-parent

Is this it?

Mkh873w Sun 10-May-20 12:53:28

Thankyou - but I’m not sure it is. There is a reference to a thread about women who regretted divorcing, on the current “leave the bastard” thread.

My husband is a pain in the arse, the tension at home is horrible and he actively avoids me unless it’s related to the kids. BUT it’s normal, regular, predictable, safe, my family are v v v religious and don’t agree with divorce, the kids are v stable here, etc etc.
I worry that I’ll look back and think “It wasn’t that bad really.” And be alone and poor, and ostracised.

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thepeopleversuswork Sun 10-May-20 13:03:58

I don’t think many do.

PicsInRed Sun 10-May-20 13:18:16

I regret the post separation abuse, but the alternative was to continue living the abuse in my own home 24/7 and have my child exposed to it 7 days a week.

This is better.

Wendyhaverford Sun 10-May-20 13:26:03

It was also my greatest fear and I googled it a lot. Ultimately, unfortunately, nobody can promise you you won't regret it.

For what it's worth, I was sad, lonely, cried buckets, still loved him when I left, but have never ever once regretted it for a second.
Because in my case it was the correct decision. He was never going to change and I was always going to be resentful. Forever and ever.

I actually made notes with pros and cons and greatest fears, and I still have the notes. My other greatest fear was social stigma and telling people and having people talk about me.
I can laugh at that now but that fear really held me back.
Divorce is not a walk in the park but I can now see that my greatest fears were not really things I needed to fear.

MrsBobDylan Sun 10-May-20 13:33:11

What about you though op? You matter, as does your happiness. Being ignored by the person who is supposed to love you most in the world, keeping very religious extended family satisfied by not divorcing and allowing your kids to grow up in a house where there is constant tension sounds really shit.

If you leave you may well be financially worse off, your kids might need to change schools, they might feel sad, but they will cope.

If you don't leave, you will most likely spend the rest of your life unhappy. Surely every thing you stand to gain outweighs what you would loose?

Mkh873w Sun 10-May-20 13:46:29

PicsInRed it’s the gaslighting and control that’s killing me. He isn’t violent, and so it’s not as clear cut for me as saying there is abuse 24/7. I’m glad you’ve got out. X

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Mkh873w Sun 10-May-20 13:47:38

Wendyhaverford that’s interesting that you were googling loads too. Maybe I’m looking to confirm what I fear, rather than working out what’s actually happening.

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Mkh873w Sun 10-May-20 13:49:02

MrsBobDylan I do matter. Yes. I need to remember that though.

I think I’m partially staying because of how it could be, if he wasn’t such a twat. But he is.

OP’s posts: |
ellanwood Sun 10-May-20 13:57:23

I get the impression the women who regret leaving are the ones who leave essentially good, kind but dull, safe husbands. They were stuck in a rut and wanted their slightly passive men to provide excitement that was never going to happen. When they leave, they realise all the stuff they undervalued: the kindness, the dependability, stability, affection, trust; someone to share the childcare and cost of living with, the physical pleasure of a cosy body to share the sofa and bed with, the practical value of having someone else around to make a cup of tea, feed the cat, run an errand. And then they have no one to blame for the dullness of life but themselves.
But women who leave controlling, violent, loveless men don't regret it long term, however tough the split is.

Mkh873w Sun 10-May-20 14:50:58

That makes sense.

I think I keep reframing our marriage as the safe dependable stable option because that will be how it appears to the outside world. I don’t know, it’s like I don’t trust my judgement anymore. sad

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MargotMoon Sun 10-May-20 14:58:02

Listen to your gut instinct; it's telling you that you are married to a man who is controlling and gaslighting you. Your gut is telling you to read up about leaving marriage and research it.

It's only fear of the unknown that is making you doubt yourself. That and the tiny voice that he controls telling you that you are not worth more than this.

Nobody can guarantee that you won't regret it, but fast-forward a decade, or two, or imagine you are on your death-bed. What would be the worst regret? That you tried or that you didn't?

You have to make some a really tough decision, but it is rare in life that the easy thing to do is also the right thing to do.

31133004Taff Sun 10-May-20 15:07:19

@ellanwood

This is so true. It can be difficult to tell the difference between dull but dependable and indifferent/passive aggressive.

I left a lovely man and I will regret terribly that I had to. He was completely indifferent to me and it made me ill. He loved me, supposedly, but probably not. Sometimes you do what you have to do.

Oly4 Sun 10-May-20 15:14:17

I agree that you need to go with your gut instinct that this is not a healthy marriage. Be brave, trust your instinct. Free yourself

beachcomber70 Sun 10-May-20 15:16:02

ellanwood
I fall into the first category and you have described it well. My ex was not passionate about his home, his children, his life....anything. Hard to show interest in the world and life I felt my life was passing me/us by. I wanted to jolt him out of indifference and to get him to 'live'.

It back fired as he wasn't 'passionate' enough in trying to save the marriage. I went on to live and experience much more, have lots of experiences, fun, also heartache. My sons had an interesting life too and saw the diversity of people/life.

However my ex was not a bad person, but damaged, and gave me great stability, security and I felt safe. I have regretted asking him to leave. But I was not ready to settle or for my sons to have an indifferent father. I did what I had to do but still miss him and the past we did share despite everything.

Lauren850 Sun 10-May-20 17:15:00

Try doing the deathbed test - imagining how you'll feel at the very end of your life, looking back, if you do or do don't end the marriage. For me it was so clear - i would hugely regret wasting my life if i stayed.

If you take the risk of leaving, things may or may not go well but you'll give it your best shot, you'll learn stuff and you'll grow as a person. Even if you find yourself facing difficulties - as i have - they'll be new challenges which you have a chance of rising to. In a bad marriage, it's the endless loop of stuff you can't fix and the same old resentment sapping your strength each day, making you less and less the person you want to be.

Y0ubetterwerk Sun 10-May-20 17:23:45

I'm three years post separation and have veered between regret and contentment at my choice regularly.
The regret is not because I want to be with him romantically, it's because I keep thinking of the life DS could have had of we stayed together.
We'd have a big house and holidays. He'd have both his parents who love him with him all the time. There would be security.
We may have had those things, but he would have also had an absolutely miserable mum and a warped understanding of what relationships look like. He would think gaslighting, derision and ignoring was the right way to treat a partner because by accepting it for myself, I would be condoning it as acceptable behaviour. The thought of DS treating a potential partner the way his dad treated me and it being my fault was too much to bear.
I have to remind myself that Ex was not interested in either of us when we were together. I did and still do the majority of childcare. He remains the most inherently selfish man I have ever met. I focus on this and not the happier times because they're only memories and don't represent who he is now.
Im sad it didn't work out but now with the benefit of distance I know had I stayed I would have been on my knees. You're worth more than the scraps some arsehole throws your way.
If you're asking the question its been my experience that it's not really if you'll leave, but when.

PicsInRed Sun 10-May-20 17:24:28

Mkh873w

The gaslighting and control is 24/7 abuse. Mine much preferred psychological warfare to the physical and sexual abuse he also employed. Driving a woman insane is often the preferred weapon.

Mine wouldn't leave. Wouldnt let me leave either. Threats were made, should I leave, I believed him. Little help available. In the end, I grey rocked until he chose to leave. Utterly heartbreaking but survival was a complete triumph and I'm so glad to be free.

💐

Mkh873w Sun 10-May-20 20:26:26

Youbetterwork I understand that. I’be started to realise that it’s always jam tomorrow here. Unless he wants to do it. And it’s really crafty how he puts obstacles in the way of things he just doesn’t want to do, so I end up wondering what is really a valid reason and what’s another of his excuses.

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Y0ubetterwerk Mon 11-May-20 11:42:23

My ex has a way of rewriting history and refraining my legitimate frustrations so that I was always wrong. His needs Always trumped mine. His work and wants always came first. His moods dictated what we did and when. He was never happy.
We went to relationship counselling as I desperately wanted it to work. I remember calling him out on a spectacularly selfish move and he turned it around and implied that I had made him act that way. We never had fun, we never went anywhere and it was because of me. I was working FT, managed all the childcare, did all the nights waking while working and managed the household. I was coming out of the depths of pnd yet i was also responsible for managing our collective happiness too. At no point did he ever acknowledge that he could take some of the load or responsibility.
I was so used to failing that I just accepted it. Honestly, I was so broken by it all and so conditioned to being wrong that even then I still desperately wanted it to work. He wouldn't end it (couldn't be the 'bad' guy as it didn't fit the narrative he'd made for himself) but when the counsellor asked if he loved me, he sat in silence. It was enough for me to realise that he would carry on indefinitely as I was meeting every need and when I wasn't he could blame me anyway. There would never be any sense of personal responsibility nor any equality in our relationship. I wasn't willing to live a life of misery, nor was I willing to have DS see this as reasonable behaviour.
Separation was so difficult but the distance helped shine a light on his selfishness and made me realise it wasn't my fault.
We're three years on and I've met someone else who iis the polar opposite of my ex. It's still feels so weird to be valued and to be in a relationship that is equal. Ex is alone and resentful. He doesn't want me back but now he doesn't have Me to blame for his misery, i would have hoped his attitude would have changed and he'd be capable of self reflection.
Nope. Absolutely nothing has changed. He is still selfish, self-centered and gaslights me given any opportunity. He dies the bare minimum for our DS and I have to ask for everything so that he gets to control the narrative again.
Your H will not change. If he's anything like mine, he will be incapable of it.

Mkh873w Mon 11-May-20 12:46:31

That’s v interesting youbetterwerk. It sounds awfully familiar. My husband cannot deal with being told/asked/hinted/cajoled what to do even when it’s absolutely fucking essential and obvious. It’s like a reflex - things must be his idea or he will either mess them up or not do them at all. Anything else is framed as a personal loss.

He also has a very fixed and clear job description in his head about “wifework” so that if he does anything which falls into this category, again it’s a personal affront.

OP’s posts: |
Techway Mon 11-May-20 13:05:05

I think I’m partially staying because of how it could be, if he wasn’t such a twat. But he is

This thinking does keep us stuck. In my situation we could have had such a good life, shared hobbies, wonderful children, family support, no financial worries however due to Ex's abusive childhood he cannot function in healthy relationships, there has to be conflict and he needs control to feel "safe".

When he started to control/damage my relationship with the DC I knew I needed to leave (and break the cycle) as our children were young enough to think the situation was normal. His behaviour escalated when I started to define boundaries.

In hindsight I also realised that I was being impacted physically. Post separation I have been diagnosed with health issues.

Ex H reacted dreadfully and he made the divorce extremely hostile. That has caused a lack of coparenting which I do regret but it's unavoidable.

I loved Ex and could see how his childhood had fundamentally damaged his ability to have normal relationships but I also knew I had to protect myself. I deserved to live without abuse. It has been painful for the children but they are doing ok. It has taken time but I don't think sacrificing myself in the marriage was the right think to do.

Why not start a journal? See how your life is being impacted..how often are you feel drained? What is happening to your self esteem? Can you try instigating boundaries? Read books, Patricia Evan's, the Verbally abusive relationship is useful and she has follow on books that suggest approaches to take.

Once you see the pattern and how much of your life is consumed by his moods it will help you to decide.

Dery Mon 11-May-20 14:50:14

You've had lots of good advice here. It sounds like a very difficult way to live and you also have to bear in mind what example it creates for your children growing up in your relationship. From what you say, you would not like them to reproduce this status quo for themselves when they are adults.

I don't have experience of this particular situation and I don't have super religious family to try to keep on-side, but it's you living in this marriage not them. Also, FWIW, I think the "for better for worse" part of the wedding vow is aimed at situations where external circumstances are making the marriage difficult, not where one party routinely makes the marriage unhappy through her/his own behaviour. If the latter were the case, then the misbehaving partner is just being given carte blanche to mistreat their spouse. I don't see how that can be correct.

Good luck with your decision-making.

granhands1 Wed 13-May-20 11:39:52

I had mine on May 4th, got my positive test result on 9th

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