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Fed up with Lazy Husband(28 Posts)
I've continued to work throughout the lockdown - was sent home and set up a home office. I'm working hard long hours to try to keep things going whilst others haven't been able to work. Husband has been at home, unable to work. He was able to go back last week but felt ill so they told him to get tested and stay at home. I've tried to be constructive and come up with a list of jobs for both of us to do when the lockdown started. Basically, he has barely moved off the sofa the entire time and I'm ready to explode. I've been working and go to make myself a cuppa and find Im having to clean the kitchen when the kettle is boiling. As soon as I finish work, sometimes after a 10-11 hour day, Im cleaning. He does cook and I deliberately don't start the cooking process because I think I do enough (and Im always the one who has to clean the kitchen, even if I do the cooking) - but I know he only cooks because he has to eat. Yesterday, I cleaned the house from top to bottom, did lots out in the garden, cleaned gutters and a couple of other jobs that for the last 2 days he said he would do. He cooked, fair enough but I cleaned it up (the day before I did all the cooking and cleaned it up). He goes out for a run, comes home, has a shower and is then sprawled on the sofa the entire day. This morning, I get a comment about not taking the dog out yesterday when I said I would! I calmly told him that I forgot and I had been busy all day, it wasn't like I had been lying on the sofa all day. So now he's gone off for a run in a huff. I don't like the person he has become since he took up running, he makes comments about peoples size and their speed - I think its just great they are out there giving it a go. Now he has started commenting that I need to lose a but of weight (I know I do) but should be more active and working to get fitter. I've said to him when do I find the time and he said that I can make the time. I've just wanted to explode at home that if he wasn't such a lazy arse I could have a bit more 'me' time. When he said he is now fit and active, I've told him that he isn't - he can run for 15 miles but then spend the entire day on the sofa asleep isn't my definition of fit and active. I need to hold it together because we can't get away from each other but I can't help thinking about is this how our retirement is going to be? I know he is lazy at weekends but only seen it for a couple of days and put it down to work but I've been really shocked that he's been able to literally lie on the sofa for weeks. I can't do it, I'll sit for a little while but then I need to be up doing something.
Stop doing things for him then and just do your own chores.
Yes tell him as you’ve done here. If he’s that fit and active why is he lying around and commenting on your weight?
So he's ill but still going for runs? Yep he's lazy. Kick him out.
I wouldn't have said anything calmly I'd have blown my top.
So, was he lying about feeling ill in order to stay home?
If he isn't ill, then yes, he's a lazy swine and you should stop doing for him.
Your spot on about him not being fit and active. I'm running 5 - 6 times a week at the moment rather than 3/4 in normal circumstances. My overall steps and general day to day 'exercise' is still down. He's basically a hamster going on a wheel once a day.
Don't clean up after cooking, leave it there for the next time he wants to cook, just completely mental block the kitchen from your vision. Set up a little tea station where your working.
You're working, he isn't. He needs to be doing all the housework at the moment.
But maybe also lower your standards? Why did you need to clean the house from top to bottom? Is it just you/DH at home? How messy/dirty was it?
Why are you putting up with this? You’re being a martyr and letting him do what he wants! You say he cooked, fair enough. No it’s not. It’s not fair enough at all! When he’s back from his run you say “you’ve said I need to get fitter and I agree. I need time to do that. Right now I’m working full time. You’re not. You’re laying around on the sofa and I’m picking up your slack. The household chores need to be split 50/50” then present him with a housework rota. Do not keep doing this. He’s taking you for an absolute mug. If he won’t pull his socks up move somewhere else for a couple of months and let him do his own housework
" I know he is lazy at weekends but only seen it for a couple of days and put it down to work but I've been really shocked that he's been able to literally lie on the sofa for weeks. "
This lockdown is causing quite a few scales to fall from eyes.
Another entitled lockdown tosser who thinks his wife’s paid employment is irrelevant to the domestic and conjugal role she is actually there to perform solely for him.
You deserve a medal for controlling you temper. I would have lost the plot by now.
Work out a rota and give him a list. If he doesn't do it tell him you're be better off on your own.
I'm confused as to why on earth the OP would want to split the chores 50/50 when she is working full time and he's sat on his arse all day doing fuck all ??
Surely HE should be doing 90% of household and garden chores ??
I say 90% just because the OP might like to get out of the house at times, but if not, then he should be doing 100% of all chores !
If it was HIM who was putting in 10-11 hour days, would anyone say he also needed to be doing 50% of the chores ?? Of course not !
OP, I think you and your 'D'H need to have a long talk about how you both feel and what would make things better for you both. But you need to be very clear about what you are annoyed about and what you expect him to do going forward. i.e he's not working and so must do all the household chores and cooking (including cleaning up afterward) (which will NOT take him 10-11 hours a day )
so, to answer some of the questions above. He was ill but just feeling a bit rough, he's fine now and wants to get back to work but still waiting test results.
Why haven't I said something before? I have, several times over - even told him he is taking the piss out of me. Normally I would have exploded by now but as we're in lockdown and we cant get away from each other, I've been bottling it up. (But if we weren't in lockdown, this situation wouldn't have arisen).
Yes I do have higher standards than him, I see dirt where he doesn't like when furniture needs polishing etc.. but I accept that and if thats my thing, they are my jobs. However, I do expect him to keep up basic housework like lading the dishwasher instead of leaving plates on the sofa, floor .. wiping down kitchen surfaces after making a sandwich... I have suggested a rota before and he went nuts and said I was treating him like a kid (exactly!) and just to ask him if something needs doing. I told him I shouldn't need to ask, does he need to ask me to do anything? no and 2. I ask, he still doesn't do it. I ask again, I'm a nag.
He has just come up to me and hugged me and apologised, said he's been thinking things over on his run and he will try more. I've told him, there's no trying about it, I don't have to 'try' - either he does it or he doesn't but if he doesn't, that I'm at the end of my tether and tired of having this conversation with him and he can find somewhere else to live because I'm tired of being taken advantage of. He was shocked, so hopefully I've got my point across.
Well done OP - make sure he knows it's not an idle threat
What exactly is the point of him?
He's a lazy loser.
Why are you wasting time with him?
Don't have children with him.
Get rid of him.
You deserve better.
Why wouldn't you want more?
Why on earth should the OP '' But maybe also lower your standards? ''
Is the OP's husband sub normal in some way ? Is he not capable physically ?
It's that kind of crap that excuses men from doing housework properly FFS !!
If he's capable of holding a conversation, holding down a paid job, and is not a bloody quadriplegic, then he can do it as well as any woman
He’s also an arse for taking up a test but then not isolating until he gets the results. If he needed a test it was for a reason. Doesn’t matter that he feels better.
Does he know it costs money to be tested. Even more money to deal with the consequence of someone spreading the virus.
@nowayhose Because I can't imagine why a house needs cleaning from top to bottom when there's just two of you living in it. Unless she meant the routine cleaning that you need to do every week?
It's that kind of crap that excuses men from doing housework properly FFS !!
Did you see the first part of my comment where I said the husband should be doing all the housework at present?
Yup, you said the husband should be doing all the housework, then said ''but also maybe lower your standards'' !
I'm sure the OP and her husband are both aware of what housework needs done, the OP states that he leaves mess at his arse everywhere he goes, dishes, crumbs, washing up etc.........should the OP ignore this ??
The OP's husband is not (as far as we know), an imbecile who thinks magic fairies come at night and load the dishwasher, clear dirty plates from the living room, clean the bathroom, put on the washing machine or vacum and dust. Therefore he is definitely lazy, not blind !
Ergo, the OP has described the mess left in his wake, and his complete lack of movement from the sofa after his run, so I have concluded from this that yes, their house DOES need cleaned !
What conclusion did you arrive at ? That the OP is exaggerating ?
That a house with mess and dirty dishes everywhere is not in need of cleaning ?
Just that different people expect different levels of clean and tidy. Which the OP acknowledges:
Yes I do have higher standards than him, I see dirt where he doesn't like when furniture needs polishing etc
However, I do expect him to keep up basic housework ...which I'm in total agreement with.
OP, I'm glad you're standing firm with him. He does need to take this seriously and, frankly, it's a bit insulting that he hasn't taken it seriously before.
I've told him, there's no trying about it, I don't have to 'try' - either he does it or he doesn't but if he doesn't, that I'm at the end of my tether and tired of having this conversation with him and he can find somewhere else to live because I'm tired of being taken advantage of
Stick to your guns if he 'relapses'.....don't let him play this game forever.
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