Relationship breakdown in lockdown

[JustBeingMoi]

So just that. Who else is stuck in lockdown, only to find their relationship is over? How are you coping with this. How are you managing it?

My 13 year relationship and 4 year marriage has been on the rocks for some time. We were trying work through it, but I have come to the conclusion things will never change.

[Princesscg30]

JustBeingMoi
I feel your pain. My relationship with my DH has hit a wall of shit this weekend. The last 48 hours seemed to have gone on and on. He is emotionally abusive, bit of a prick, can be nice sometimes and we can get on well sometimes. Yesterday and today he has been impossible to be around, taking the piss out of me, calling me miserable (he usually calls me missy mog, even gets the kids to say it to me). This evening is horrible as he's been in the kind of mood where i can't do right from wrong. I'm feeling stressed out with him, stressed out with the kids, exhausted and physically and mentally drained. He said tonight that he feels sorry for the next guy who comes along that has to put up with me. He's threatened this many times and this weekend has been pretty unbearable. The past few weeks of lockdown have been manageable up till now. Feeling very low, upset and just want to hide away for the foreseeable. The breakdown of a relationship is fucking hard, especially in fucking lockdown.

[anxietrist]

Me 🙋🏻‍♀️

[JustBeingMoi]

@Princesscg30 I know what you mean. I've never been so miserable or felt so lonely in my whole life. My husband also calls me miserable all the time. I wonder why. I doubt everything about myself. I feel totally trapped, like all of my choices have been removed from me. And I don't even the opportunity to see family. I just need a hug and a cry.

[anxietrist]

I hate the person I've become. You know when they talk about someone bringing out the best in you? He definitely brings out the worst in me. He's so unpleasant to be around, so rude and entitled, it makes me regress into teenage behaviour and do things like scream a silent FUCK OFF behind his back. Can't wait to be free.

[anxietrist]

@JustBeingMoi wish I could give you a hug ☹️

[JustBeingMoi]

@anxietrist you too! Its pretty hard isn't it!

[anxietrist]

Yep!

[Princesscg30]

I'm sending virtual hugs to all of you! I've lost all sense of worth, not sure who i am anymore. anxietrist i do the same thing, like if DH pisses me off i 🖕 behind his back, have called him a c**t numerous times under my breath over the past few weeks. The only way i can describe my life at the moment is that it's like being on a roller-coaster, a really scary one that you can't get off of. You think it's going to stop then it just carries on and you're stuck going round and round. Truly exhausting.

[Backtotomorrow2]

My 8 year relationship ended today. I’m utterly broken, lying here waiting for the call that he’s made a huge mistake but I don’t think it’s coming.

[caffeineandchoc]

Yep!
Been feeling this way for a while now but the distractions of life make it easier to get through.
Since lockdown I’ve felt lonelier than I ever thought possible. I just want to see somebody who isn’t him. I keep trying to work through it for the kids but I don’t think I want to any more because I’m sure that life would be easier and happier without him moaning and whining all the fucking time.
@anxietrist @Princesscg30 I pretty much 🖕🏻behind the wall every time I leave a room. It’s childish as hell but it makes me feel better.
Hugs to you all - you’re not alone x

[Princesscg30]

Can i ask you ladies, how do you deal with a situation like this when there are kids involved? I know that at some point I'm going to have to leave but plucking up the courage to do so is hard. My DH is the kind of person who, if we argue and he's like, "I've had enough of you" blah blah blah he'll say things like "you go and leave my kids with me". Whenever we row the kids suddenly turn into 'his kids' not ours. This is the one thing that worries me that he'll tell me to leave and he'll keep the kids. He can be like this which is pathetic. He works full time starting work at 7am so not sure how him having the kids would work unless the stupid prick wants to leave them to fend for themselves for 10 hours a day. He makes everything so difficult. Don't think there's a grown up bone in his body. Do men know when they're being like this or is it just a male trait that they are unaware of? Like emotional abuse. Do men realise when they're doing it? Xx

[Princesscg30]

@caffeineandchoc well done! It is childish but if it makes you feel better keep doing it. Anything to get you through this x

[JustBeingMoi]

@Princesscg30 I totally agree with the rollercoaster analogy. That is exactly how it feels. I just want to get off

[Princesscg30]

@JustBeingMoi it's horrid, isn't it. And completely draining. How do we end up with these men??
Last night everything calmed down and he's gone to work today which I'm SO glad about but the shit show that was the past few days has made me feel funny, like it's affected my mood dramatically.
It's such a comfort being able to open up to you ladies on a platform that is safe. Thank you for letting me vent x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3893372-MNHQ-here-Survivor-and-Community-Resources-Domestic-Abuse-and-COVID-19

The above could be helpful to all of you. What you are all describing in your respective relationships is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. The effect of your children seeing all this is incalculable but it will affect them. There is no working out relationships with such men, they will continue to be obstructive and abusive even when you are free of them.

Princess - re your comment:-
"Do men know when they're being like this or is it just a male trait that they are unaware of? Like emotional abuse. Do men realise when they're doing it?"

Yes they do have some awareness, it is merely not just a male trait that they are unaware of. Their actions here are about power and control; that is what abuse is all about (not communication or a perceived lack of). They want absolute here over you and your kids.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. And for that matter your H?. He does this because he can and it works for him.

[anxietrist]

@Princesscg30 my partner sounds like yours. The thing that makes my blood boil is he never thinks for a second about what he says in front of the kids. Every thought in his head is vocalised and it's all him being bored, irritated, annoyed at our existence and it makes me furious that the kids think this is what's normal for a dad. It's so unfair, he doesn't deserve them.

[Princesscg30]

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you 🙏 . Will look take a look at the link you've put up. Anything to help get through this.
@anxietrist he sounds exactly like my DH. He constantly points out all the things I've done wrong, compares me to his mum, he's even told me that he thinks I'm the worst mum in the world because i picked up our son when he was a baby as he was crying and i wanted to comfort him. We were sleep training at the time and his crying was making me upset and i just wanted to cuddle him. When hubby said that to me it broke my heart.
He's also told our 5 year old daughter that he doesn't want to know her when she's been naughty. He tells her to go away etc. She doesn't understand why he says that. But then he goes from that to running around the garden with them, playing with them cuddling them, doing the bedtime routine, doing what a dad should do. The nice/nasty cycle is debilitating. I wouldn't have the mental energy to keep that up all the time so god knows how he does it. He has lovely ways about him which makes it all the more confusing 😣

[Princesscg30]

@AttilaTheMeerkat
DH has told me when he was growing up if he and his brothers were naughty they'd, in his words "get thrown around the room". They were very much disciplined as kids, verbally and sometimes physically. His dad is a gentle giant now so i don't get it. I do know that DH sister never got the same discipline because she was a girl, it was just the boys. He's said that it has made him respect his parents more. Can only guess that he has picked up his bad ways from his dad. His mum is also a serial gaslighter. Has done it to me on multiple occasions and to other family members when she hasn't got her own way etc. I feel like I've failed myself marrying into this family......

[Wanderlust21]

I'm surprised any of you are waiting till the lockdown ends to finish things. If they/I had somewhere else to go I'd just bloody well do it. No way I'd continue to sleep next to someone i couldn't stand (or, imagine: risk him trying it on) for a second longer than I had to.

Mind you, suppose you could take the time to 'get your ducks in a row' as mumsnetters likes to say.

[anxietrist]

What if we don't have anywhere to go?

[Wanderlust21]

Is that gonna change after lockdown though?

[Princesscg30]

@anxietrist have you not got any family close by to go be with?
I think there must be Woman's Aid centre's to go to if you have nowhere else. Maybe stay with a friendif you can. If it means being able to finally be free I'd do it. You have us ladies for online support, always here to talk x

[anxietrist]

I haven't got family. I would use women's aid in a bad situation but I don't think our current situation warrants in. My priority is stability for the kids so best option for now is staying put and staying out of his way. Long term plan would be to sell the house as I have money tied up in it and hopefully increase my hours at work to enable me to get a mortgage on the rest 🤞🏻

[Princesscg30]

@anxietrist bless you. Well you're probably doing the right thing then. If you can last until this situation is over, although we have no idea just how long this will go on for.
I'm waiting, like you, until lockdown is over and then I'm going to try and talk to DH, tell him exactly how i feel, everything out in the open and make plans to at least separate for a while. Again, like you, i just want stability for the kids. Big hugs x

[anxietrist]

Thank you @Princesscg30 ❤️ hope it works out for both of us