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Am I being irrational?

(13 Posts)
daisy129437 Sun 10-May-20 04:21:14

Hi all,

Just need some outside perspective as I am severely sleep-deprived and exhausted and sore (I have an 11-day old son, via emergency c section). Me and DP live together but are unmarried, we are, however, engaged.

I'll try not to drip feed so bear with me.

I have been with my DP for 4 years now. He is always pretty funny with his phone - always putting it face down, sleeps with it under his pillow but always comes up with a reason as to why and those reasons seem plausible. I have been cheated on in the past so any suspicions I have/had I have tried to ignore as I don't want to come across as controlling or just a bitch.
We have a good relationship, I generally trust him but I do get paranoid due to my past and feel unsettled sometimes. Anyway, last night he was typing on his phone and when I came to give him a hug around the shoulders he exited Instagram very quickly and I thought fuck it, I'm going to ask him whats what.
I ask him if he is hiding anything, he says no. I ask if I can see his phone and he says yes but still protests he is innocent with nothing to hide. I quickly browse things with him next to me looking on and he is white as a ghost even though he is 'innocent' in this. So I find this message from apparently an old school friend and he is obviously flirting with her, she, however, doesn't seem to bite. He carries on flirting through the messages asking her when they are going 'to hang out' telling her the area where we live. I am obviously visibly upset at this point. He then proceeds to shout at me (in front of our son) telling me I'm blowing this out of proportion and I'm crazy, he got aggressive with his attitude, nothing physical but it scared me. He continues to tell me I'm being irrational and says 'so I'm not allowed to speak to my friends??' until I backed down and apologised.
He then apologises later on and we have a long discussion where he promises he has always been faithful to me.

I'm stuck. I know I shouldn't have asked to look through his phone, I wonder if that's because I'm paranoid or not. I realise I should trust him and I don't know whether this is all because of my past or what. I haven't slept tonight because I cannot stop thinking about it and questioning myself.

Thank you for reading.

OP’s posts: |
Thepigeonsarecoming Sun 10-May-20 04:26:57

What exactly did he say to this old school friend, flirting is a wildly used word?

user12332586664885 Sun 10-May-20 04:28:38

asking to see old friends is not a problem. It is the flirting u r referring to. Can you be more specific?

When a guy gets angry and overreacts i automatically smell something fishy.

alltheprosecco84 Sun 10-May-20 04:32:49

I think you know the answer, you've known your partner for four years.
I know the timing's horrendous, sadly pregnancy and post-birth is when a lot of men choose to shop elsewhere as the insecure ones can't bear that the attention's not on them, and that they're no longer the centre of your world.
DO NOT allow him to turn it on you and call you crazy. You had a baby, not a lobotomy.
Best of luck, don't allow him to fob you off, you know what you know.

daisy129437 Sun 10-May-20 04:34:52

Apologies for being a bit vague.

The messages were a lot but in short - asking if she was single, where she lived now, if she was going to this festival he would be at (I wouldn't be there), that he could send her pictures of him 'having fun' (which is subjective, it could be innocent), a lot of emojis at the end of every message like the wink one and the tongue out one.

Wow, I feel ridiculous already.

OP’s posts: |
HannaYeah Sun 10-May-20 05:02:53

Daisy do you have family support nearby? He’s really awful and no way you can trust him.

user12332586664885 Sun 10-May-20 05:05:39

@daisy129437 dont feel ridiculous, only u know how he talks to you, and whether he is normal in the way he spoke to her. We all know our partners and can sense when they are going off track, and treating other women better than us.

MsDogLady Sun 10-May-20 05:09:50

You are not being irrational. You had a baby 11 days ago and he is sniffing around other women.

ponchek Sun 10-May-20 05:21:02

That he could send her pictures of him having fun ?!!!!!! Wtf?????!!

I would be tempted to throttle him. And I am not in the peculiarly vulnerable zone of just having had a baby with him.

I would say yes you've caught him out in a flirty exchange, but thankfully he seems to have been doing all the running and she's not interested. However, after initially being angrily defensive, he's now contrite. Which I suppose is better than nothing.

I'm afraid conversations with old 'friends' can often be alarming. It sounds like he's had a shock though with you seeing it, and maybe he will stop.

It is just talk and he's sorry and I think you should
put it down to experience and not worry. You need your energy for being a mum and enjoying this time with your baby. Take no notice of his stupid messages. It's not gone anywhere - just ignore it.

KellyHall Sun 10-May-20 05:25:54

The problem here is definitely not you. He's being a knob and got overly defensive when you caught him out.

Please don't apologise to him again for anything like this. It's a huge red flag to me. He'll mosy likely do one of two things now:

Sulk to make you feel even worse.

Love bomb you so you feel so unbelievably head over heels in love with him you'll be blind to any other stupid thing he does.

I'd be wary. But at the same time, it could be a one-off so I wouldn't be writing off your relationship, unless you feel strongly enough to do that.

Loola08 Sun 10-May-20 05:30:48

I had my baby 4 weeks ago, and your emotions run high at this time, up one day down the next, but I would feel the same way as you.
The fact that he's secretive around his phone, means he knows he's shouldn't be doing it, and would also explain him flying off the handle.
I would try and let it go though, he knows it's upset you and if he repeats anything like it again then he's taking the piss ( sorry for my language).i went off in one at my DH because he was liking women's photos on FB, I was highly emotional, but he hadn't tried to hide it and he has a lot of female friends.never bothered me before but once he realised it upset me he stopped.
Try not to worry lovely and focus on being a good mummy xx

TigerDater Sun 10-May-20 06:49:39

11 days after a C section? Who cares what he’s up to, concentrate on healing and on your gorgeous baby, don’t let him make this amazing time all about him. Do you have support from others as well as him?

category12 Sun 10-May-20 07:31:19

So he was asking her if he could send her pictures of himself wanking and you're supposed to be OK with that?

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