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He just ended it with me

(43 Posts)
Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 00:12:13

I’m devastated. There wasn’t an argument. No one else. He won’t talk to me, we have been together six years and it has been the most wonderful romantic loving relationship I ever had. I love him and my children love him too. He just said that he doesn’t want what we have become and isn’t boyfriend material. I’m so so gutted

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hotlava Sun 10-May-20 00:14:16

Sorry that happened to you, it hurts when someone treats you like that.

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 00:21:34

Thank you. I’m trying to be brave about it but I am in pieces. He was my best friend and I shared everything with him. The last thing he said to me is that he is tired of me offloading on him about my kids, my job. I didn’t think I was offloading, I was sharing my life, my every day with him, as he did me.

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AquarianSquirrel Sun 10-May-20 00:22:29

It's weird to decide you're "not boyfriend material' after being with someone for 6 years... It seems like he's bullshitting you and has met someone else. I'm so sorry op, it hurts like hell. Are you living together? He owes you an explanation but the horrible thing is he'll only give one if he wants to.

AquarianSquirrel Sun 10-May-20 00:24:59

Sounds like he wanted to good sides of the relationship going out on dates or to events etc and sex but doesn't want to bond over the hard times. What a flake.

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 00:27:36

No we don’t live together. I don’t think he has met someone else. It’s a phrase he has used before when we have had difficulties but we have always worked through. One of the things I have loved about us is that we talk, and grow and adapt. He is the man I honestly thought I would grow old with and be with forever.

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Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 00:29:13

And he has been an incredible support for me though some very tough times, so no, not just there for the good times

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Butterymuffin Sun 10-May-20 00:32:32

I'm sorry it's gone this way. He's not the person you thought he was, if he can do this. I know it will be painful for some time yet but you'll get through it. Don't try to contact him, stick with silence and distract yourself. He sounds like someone who potentially just can't handle giving long term support, which is his weakness and his loss.

Butterymuffin Sun 10-May-20 00:33:50

Read your latest - he has either changed as a person, or he's had his head turned by someone else.

hotlava Sun 10-May-20 01:41:17

I don't think it is useful to suggest that another woman is involved. Breaking up is hard enough without speculation that could lead to paranoia. I'm sorry for your loss and heartache OP.

Process it, don't make it harder, it's hard enough in itself as it is. Its extra hard when there are children involved and the OP needs to keep it together for her children.

You might meet someone better in the future and I hope that you do.

AlternativePerspective Sun 10-May-20 01:47:46

Have you been going through such hard times recently?

You say he’s been there for you through a lot of hard times, is it possible that your life seems all difficult to him and he’s reached a breaking point?

I don’t think deciding to end a relationship necessarily makes him a bastard,although of course it hurts when it happens.But every relationship has its breaking points,and he’s said that he can’t deal any more with you always offloading about your job and DC etc. Is it possible you’re offloading more than you realise?

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 04:39:40

Yes it’s possible. My mum died in March. I haven’t talked about that much though. I have teenagers. They are wonderful but it can be so hard. I also changed jobs recently to a better one and I’m pleased and excited but it has been tough starting a new job in lockdown. I think I talk less about this job than my old one. He has ended us before because he struggles with Insecurity and jealous feelings and pushing me away is a way of not having to deal with them. I can’t help wondering if this is happening again. Because of my new job. He heard me tell the recruitment person I was ‘at a friends’ when I was at his house and he was upset at that.

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Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 04:40:43

I’m so broken hearted. I can’t sleep

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Loola08 Sun 10-May-20 05:42:49

I really feel for you, especially when there's no explanation and doesn't give closure.
You haven't managed to talk to him since??
Maybe try and get to the bottom of it, my husband did the same a lot and I bugged him to get to the bottom of it and would always work things out.
Sometimes people just shut off when they don't know how to say or deal with something.
If it would make your mindset better try and find out what the problem is, at least you'll know even if you don't get back together.sending you hugs xxx

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 05:59:56

Thank you for replying. I think he is like that. He is sensitive and shuts himself away when he is under stress. It is a recurring occasional theme of our relationship that he thinks I should find someone ‘more suitable’ more social but I just adore him. My friends really like him. He is the man that I dreamed of being with. I married when pregnant and gave it a try with a man who seemed nice but was ultimately a liar and it didn’t work out. When I found this man after my marriage failed I could not believe how lucky I was to find him.

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Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 06:01:37

He won’t speak to me at all. He said something was wrong and I waited three days for him to come and talk to me and then he texted me to say it was over.

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Honeybee85 Sun 10-May-20 06:10:40

I am really sorry OP.

My first thought is that there might be something going on that you know nothing about at this time.

No matter how hard it is, don't call him, let him have his space. Try to focus on your life and know this (initial) terrible pain will pass.

I wish you all the best, I know how much break up hurts and hope soon you'll feel better & get some answers.

Sending you a digital hug flowers

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 06:25:51

Thank you. I did send him a short message last night to tell him that I would like to talk. I told him that I love him just as he is. We really were each other’s best friends and I cannot imagine my life without him at the moment. But I am going to distract myself as best I can now and not contact him again. I guess if/when he is ready he will get in touch. And if he doesn’t it will gradually be easier

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searchaway Sun 10-May-20 06:40:44

It doesn’t seem fair that after 6 years he won’t even give you an explanation. Getting upset when you described yourself as being at a friends house is a weird reaction. It sounds like he has issues with emotion regulation and communication. Maybe this is for the best? You’re never going to know where you stand with this guy? If he’s getting upset, not communicating and ending things with no communication then you’re not on stable ground. If it was me, I wouldn’t contact him anymore. It’s best to try and grieve, get over him and move on

Plantlover101 Sun 10-May-20 06:46:04

I agree with Honeybee. Stay strong. You will get through this. I've been through heartbreak many times and the pain does subside - it's just that unfortunately it takes time.

I read a book once that was a great help to me in which they recommended you not to contact your OH/ex at all for any reason for 30 days. The premise being that after 30 days, you would feel a bit stronger for it and be able to continue.

Do you love him enough to want the best for him - even if that means he prefers not to be with you? I know how crazy that sounds but in the past it has helped me to remember this: "Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you have to be with them - love is not a bandage to cover up wounds."

Thinking of you x

Coffeecak3 Sun 10-May-20 06:49:14

I'm really sorry you're going through this but do you want to spend the rest of your life with him manipulating you?
One day he's fine, then it's all off and of course he comes back and it's fine again. But it's not because he'll break up with you again.
You do need to end it finally. If he was such a catch he wouldn't treat you like this.
He seems to be very immature.

Ilets Sun 10-May-20 06:52:23

I think he's going to get back together with you and this is part of your training. He's done this before? He gives you the silent treatment for days? He's jealous and insecure? Small things you say upset him? Then comes the punishment (this)

So, whilst the good news is I think he will be back, it might be worth using this time apart to reflect on your relationship.

Opentooffers Sun 10-May-20 07:23:04

Maybe the clue was there in not progressing the relationship to living with each other in 6 years. It's a long time to take to not commit further and may indicate that there are doubts about things long term. Is he WFH or does he have job pressures at this time maybe? Or perhaps he's not the paternal type, does he have children of his own?

Ithoughthiswasit Sun 10-May-20 08:16:40

We had discussed living together but for various reasons were happy (I thought) living separately. We both like our own space and have our own children. He is under massive pressure at work at the moment, we both are. I just wish he would talk to me but he will not. He said that I will get angry and shout so he will not talk. Sometimes I do shout it’s true, in my family we express ourselves, have a blurt and then calm down and sort things out. I very rarely do this at him though because in his family if someone shouted violence was sure to follow.

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Thingsdogetbetter Sun 10-May-20 08:23:42

@Ilets have made some very astute points. This feels like a punishment break up tactic to me. You get a new job you like, are probably focusing on that and your dc during lock down and hrieving your mum, instead of feeding his neediness and he's withdrawn as punishment. He withdrew for 3 days and when you didn't react as expected (ie didn't chase desperately, but waited for him to come to you) he brought out the big guns and dumped you by TEXT. And finally you've reacted as trained: contacting with declarations of love and acceptance.

When he regularly pushes you away, you excuse it as him being insecure and jealous (which are huge horrible traits and not the litle character flaws you seem to consider them) what do you do? Chase and proclaim undying love, adapt your behaviour, reassure constantly?

You're in a loop of his making, but you're the one staying on it. Step back and consider how much this relationship is driven by you having to pander to him so he doesn't withdraw. How much of your life focus has to be on him and his 'needs".

Jealousy, insecurity and withdrawal are huge red flags. And he's been waving them for 6 years. I hope I'm being cynical here, but it all sounds horribly familiar.

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