What would you make of this - am I being paranoid or not ?

[Zaradelorio]

So to start, I have anxiety and trust issues from things in the past (not to do with dh) So this makes me question my own judgement
Plus I’m pregnant so may be hormonal ?

Anyway dh had always said to me about his work how it’s mostly men and a few older women that do the admin.
Talked about the ‘accountant guy’ numerous times. Referred to him as he and him so I didn’t mishear

Anyway I saw messages come up on the work WhatsApp as his phone was next to me and it was a woman’s name I’ve not heard before asking about accounts stuff ...
I said to him ‘oh who’s that ?’ I thought it was a man who did the accounts ?
He said oh no it’s 🤔
I asked him why he had told me it was a man and asked about her. He said oh she’s about 50 so why are you worrying (we are 30s) which I thought odd

Anyway as if seen the number flash up later on I tried it on WhatsApp to see but no picture so I had a look online etc and found her and to me she looks our age
I asked him again and he said no she’s about 50 we were all talking about it how old we thought she was - why would they be discussing her age it seems very weird ? Then he’s been acting odd since. If from the outset he had said the accountant is whoever then tbh I wouldn’t be this wound up but why repeatedly say it’s a man ???
I just wanted the opinion of others as I found it out of the ordinary and nothing like this has happened before

[BackseatCookers]

Is there form for you feeling anxious about him working with women? I think that's important as it would have a bearing on the reason he lied about it (which it sounds like he definitely did!) obviously not saying lying is ideal but if it's been an issue in the past without just cause then I could understand more him lying and panicking it was too late to tell the truth.

It absolutely sounds like he's lied though, obviously.

[Andi2020]

Is there more than one person in accounts
50 doesn't look that old when you are 30
I'm 49 most people I work with are younger and they say I don't look 49

[Zaradelorio]

No my issues around trust are from way back to do with my parents rather than relationships so I don’t think it’s that but the. I always query myself and worry it’s me. But he def said so so many times and referred to as a man which I just find totally odd then the specifics of her age when clearly she’s not that old I’m just wondering what’s going on

[BackseatCookers]

I asked him why he had told me it was a man and asked about her. He said oh she’s about 50 so why are you worrying (we are 30s) which I thought odd

Also these are two very separate statements IMO:

Why did you tell me it was a man?

• did he answer that? Has he acknowledged he did say they were a man and that it was a conscious lie? Or is he saying you're remembering wrong? That's really important.

She's 50s so why are you worried?

• a different point to the above, the above is what's important

[Zaradelorio]

No apparently it’s just this person and he’s now saying well there is a male accountant too but that sounds like backtracking to me
He’s not secretive about his phone or anything either so that makes me even more confused as I’d expect that if there was a problem but then why has he not be totally honest or is it just some kind of weird mix up

[LadyMuck111]

Does this woman have a name that can be used for both sexes and you've assumed they're male?

[Zaradelorio]

He kept saying he had said the accountant but he said ‘accountant guy’ many times and said he and him so it was clear

Now he’s saying oh actually there is a man too who does the accounts

He just threw the age thing in randomly and then said they’d been discussing her age at work which seemed odd

[Zaradelorio]

No it was def a female name and he did say immediately oh she does the accounts so didn’t hide anything when I said the name and asked who was that when it flashed up on his phone

[fallfallfall]

several people i know routinely change up their photo's...vintage of childhood, 80's, mothers, even sisters who experienced cancer. i think it's really odd you assume the photo is recent or of her.
there may be various people who work in 'accounts'.
and why so insecure? what is is going on?

[peach1234]

If his phone was next to you and you were able to see the messages flash up and he hadn't changed the name or kept the phone away from you I'd say he's not hiding anything. You can turn notifications off, keep your phone hidden away, change names etc if you really want to be sneaky. He could've said it was someone else if he'd been lying, maybe it's someone that works along with the actual accounts person, an assistant etc. Also if she's actually asking about work in the messages and you saw the messages he won't be hiding anything! X

[Zaradelorio]

This is why I’m confused as he had said it was a man so many time when talking about work and isn’t secretive at all etc
Yet he’s told me the complete opposite then thrown in the age thing which I really don’t think is true unless she’s had some good surgery and uses really good filters

[BackseatCookers]

The fact he's obviously been saying it's a man and is now backtracking is really weird. It sounds like he has purposefully omitted she's a woman (I'm trying to think why their gender would particularly have been obvious but it sounds like he's over egged the accountant guy phrasing) but the question is why I guess.

If you have been unfairly / unreasonably jealous in the past then I can kind of understand him doing it to an extent - I had a partner who was jealous unfairly and I think I probably sometimes steered the conversation about people in a direction where their gender wasn't clear, or if he assumed they were male didn't correct him. Then he would have been suspicious I suppose, which would make sense but I'm sure it's clear my reasoning for it too. I wouldn't have lied if he asked directly though.

It's a tough one without knowing your dynamic and how self aware you are about any previous jealousy and anxiety.

It's more worrying he's sort of gaslighting you and saying he hasn't said that / must have mentioned her in the past etc. That's the bit I would be more annoyed about if I were you I think.

[PicsInRed]

Even if she is 50 (and about 50 could mean in her 40s) that doesn't mean theres nothing to worry about. Something about this makes you concerned and there is probably a reason for that.

[Zaradelorio]

The age thing is what I found the strangest even more so than the fact he’s been referring to this person as male heh they clearly aren’t for months
Yes something is just a bit off I can’t put my finger on it though this is why I was thinking am I just being paranoid but my past issues around trust went so much relationship and jealousy more just general as I had emotional abuse growing up so it’s hard to explain

[BackseatCookers]

The age thing is what I found the strangest even more so than the fact he’s been referring to this person as male heh they clearly aren’t for months

I think that's telling because the fact he even started saying she was a guy is the root of the issue, with the age comment perhaps being indicative that he thought (rightly or wrongly) that you'd be jealous rather than him actively having any feelings about her. Again I don't know you and he may be a wanker so sorry if it sounds like I'm being negative about you, as I say it's just that I've been on the other side of this. It sounds like your primary concern is purely whether he does find her attractive or not, so you're focusing on whether him saying the age thing is to cover that up, rather than looking at why he lied from the start.

Sorry about your experience growing up

[NeverCastaClout]

This sounds dodgy op. Why would he be going on about the accountant anyway? People talk about people who are in their mind a lot. Is it that?