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Would you be the same if you were in this situation?

(36 Posts)
McD45 Fri 08-May-20 22:47:11

Hi, I thought I would come on here as I wasnt quite sure what to think of this situation myself and not sure what the best thing to do is when you like someone under these circumstances.

So I met this guy (lets call him Mark) in a pub back in early February this year, a month before lock down, he actually lived a few houses down from where my ex and I lived and we ended up chatting about how coincidental things were, given the fact I left my ex about 1.5 years ago and so did he.

I sold the house with my ex last year and was able to buy last November and loved this house ever since. I was lucky as may have been a different case this year. Unfortunately Mark still has to sell his house with the ex and get divorced too but he is definitely on the case with both just bad timing at the moment.

Now my friends are saying dont date a married men etc etc, but I see it as Mark has moved out of their home together (they dont have kids together either) he still pays the mortgage as she cant afford to and Mark is now living with one of their friends, rents out one of her rooms. who is female, I may add and she needed a lodger, she lives about 20mins away from myself.

So, Mark's so called house mate is 11 years older than him, went through a divorce 2 years ago and then found a new boyfriend she dated last year, who died which was awful, she is still grieving about him and is now thinking of dating his best mate, whilst dating someone else....!! ( I know I lost track too) She holds down a good job, studying therapy work but to me sounds like she is still unsure on where she is in life etc.

She was dating someone else in the last 2 months and this guy wasnt keen on my partner Mark, living in her room to rent, which is what I am feeling too at times with these two. Now Mark can moan about her, says she is huge in size (bit critical but I guess thats some men for you) and there is no way he would ever fancy her, but he can talk very highly about her other times, which is quite the opposite but I feel Mark living with her makes me feel uncomfortable. I dont think she is unattractive either. My worry is Mark is a very lovely guy, settling and she could grab him quite easily he is a good catch,well to me he is.

On the flip side of things, we get on great, once lockdown eases Mark has suggested going away, staying over and has asked us to become official now which is very sweet. I have no problems with how he treats me its all the other messy stuff going on around him that I am feeling chaotic about.

When Mark says he wants to stay over at mine to become close, after lockdown we have been seeing one another for say 3/4 months there is a strange part of me which is like erm no not too sure yet because of all the other stuff going on around him.

Would you be the same and still be wary.???

The house share with this lady, strangely concerns me too even though Mark says there is no way on earth he would fancy her it still bothers me he is living in a house with a woman etc....They watch films together at night in the same room as no other place for him to go and he hates being anti social and then there is dinner together, she buys one week he buys the other and the same with drink etc...He moved to hers in Feb this year too.

He never really says much but then says its her birthday next week he wants to get her something, I think he has known her several years before through friends etc.

But not sure why I cant feel settled with him, I think if he was divorced, house sold and didnt live with a female I would feel more secure, he knows I feel edgy about the divorce and the house but not this lady he lives with. She seems to be flitting from man to man, after her divorce 2 years ago and he says he can hear her slating her friends on the phone which surprised him as he thought she wasnt like that...(strange) and says he thinks its strange she wants to date her ex who died last year, his best friend...

So after speaking to him today I feel a tad uneasy again....

Not sure whether to say something to him or sit and wait it out as Mark reassures me we are great together...

thank you for reading...confused over here lol


OP’s posts: |
Ragwort Fri 08-May-20 22:52:45

You feel uneasy ... that’s all that matters. The fact that we are in lockdown is perfect timing, you don’t need to ‘commit’ to him, you can breezily say ‘let’s just go out for drinks/dinner when lockdown is over’ ... the fact he is talking about ‘staying over’ sounds like he is really only interested in having sex at the earliest opportunity hmm.

McD45 Fri 08-May-20 22:54:15

Yes that was my concern as he is kind of pushing it, or more like saying, it would be nice to stay overnight but if you are not ready I get that too....I know 3 months is a while and we havent been physical but weirdly I dont feel ready with him because of everything else going on with him too

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Fri 08-May-20 23:14:28

Do you trust Mark? Or does something make you uncertain?

You don't have to worry about Mark having a landlady if you trust him, she could be a complete 'slapper' (pardon my french) and it wouldn't matter if he is trustworthy.

Her love life is her business btw, and her character isn't your problem either really.
Whether you're comfortable with him still technically being married and having stuff to sort out is up to you. If you really don't feel comfortable with it you could say that you could consider seeing each other romantically again once he's more sorted.

McD45 Fri 08-May-20 23:22:39

Thank you, no you are right on all accounts the latter part about being comfortable is what I really want to say to him before he comes over to mine it just doesnt quite sit right with me yet. Yes I do trust him, he is pushing to stay at mine its that part I am not keen on me old fashioned but its more my self respect side of things....makes sense what you are saying completely...

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 08-May-20 23:28:12

I'd be very hmm at the whole putting her down to you and criticising her weight etc. You brush over that as if it's ok, but it speaks to his character. And you know she's attractive objectively anyway.

This guy sounds suss to me, very complicated messy life with lots of women he's playing off against each other, and I think you'd be better off not getting involved.

McD45 Fri 08-May-20 23:32:55

Yes true, I did think at first and have said to him thats a tad harsh when he said to her in jest about her weight I would deeply offended if someone said anything like that to me....
I am not too sure about the lots of women as he is living with her and thats all really and not anything to do with the ex anymore....but I do feel uneasy yes!

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Sat 09-May-20 00:25:22

It is cheeky that he's dissing her when she's put him up.

Yes I do trust him, he is pushing to stay at mine its that part I am not keen on me old fashioned but its more my self respect side of things....makes sense what you are saying completely

No, you're right, I wouldn't like that either nowadays. If he's a decent guy then he'll wait. Have you told him you're not up for that yet?

famousforwrongreason Sat 09-May-20 01:52:10

He said it to her?
In jest?
That's terrible

StinkyWizzleteets Sat 09-May-20 02:03:08

Your distrust of him while you’re in very early days and not yet official (by his suggestion at becoming official post lockdown) does not bode well for the future. Your concern at him being in the presence of another woman also does not bode well for the future. Your later revelations that you fear he’s pushing for sex too soon does not bode well ...etc.

I don’t know the guy but I think your own anxieties are more likely to destroy this very early relationship rather than him shagging his landlord that he says he doesn’t fancy. The majority of the post is about him and his landlord but you’re saying the biggest problem is him wanting sex. I don’t think you’re ready for this relationship- something is telling you not to trust him. Listen to your instincts whatever the reason for them may be. If its him then luckyescape, if its your anxiety then you’ll never be comfortable with anyone until you sort that out.

Rainbowqueeen Sat 09-May-20 02:17:14

He comes with a lot of baggage. He should be focusing on reducing that so he is in a position to commit to a proper relationship if that is what he says he wants.
Focus on his actions not his words, don’t let him push your boundaries. You have every right to set the pace of the relationship. Trust your instincts

Mymomsbetterthanyomom Sat 09-May-20 02:42:29

Mark is still a married man.
So there's your answer hun.

avamiah Sat 09-May-20 02:51:57

YES , totally agree with you.
Life is hard enough without messing around with another woman’s husband.
Move on

searchaway Sat 09-May-20 02:52:04

Criticising her weight and putting her down is a big red flag. Saying he would never fancy her is a weird thing to say. She’s a good enough friend that she’s let him stay and he’s trash talking about her. Well, that’s unkind and a bit shit really. It shows a character flaw in him. Do you really want to date somebody who can be that mean about a friend?

AgentJohnson Sat 09-May-20 06:51:59

Now Mark can moan about her, says she is huge in size (bit critical but I guess thats some men for you).

Him sharing a house with a woman worries you but him being critical of her size and giving a woman he’s known for 12 weeks a blow by blow account of her personal life, doesn’t.

Bluntness100 Sat 09-May-20 07:01:48

Mark is still a married man

Eh, what now? 🙄

Op, I don’t think he is doing anything wrong, it’s your insecurity that seems to be the issue. I’m also surprised you’re calling a man you’ve known a few weeks your partner.

However him slagging her off is beyond appalling. I don’t know if he did it because he knows you’re jealous, so was trying to put your mind at ease, but it’s not ok in any shape or form. It’s a massive red flag

HonestOpinion10 Sat 09-May-20 07:18:25

Don't be so naïve. Mark is a blatant knob; him being still officially married is the least of it. LTB.

timeisnotaline Sat 09-May-20 07:40:01

Umm this all goes both ways. He does not come with a lot of baggage! He’s split from his wife and they have the house and finances to sort out. That’s pretty common. Living with a woman is irrelevant. I’d dump a guy who objected to me living with a friend. I’d also dump a guy who told me how fat and a mess this friend who has kindly given him living space is. So you should both dump each other, it’s literally been weeks.

hugefanofcheese Sat 09-May-20 07:53:33

Your gut is screaming at you here OP and I would listen.

His living arrangements wouldn't be a big deal in themselves, plenty of people divorce without having the money for both sides just to immediately sort out the paperwork then waltz off and buy another house each, and lodging with a friend would make sense.

But he should absolutely not be maligning this lady who is putting him up (no doubt more economic and nicer than a house share with strangers) by criticising her weight of all things. Whats that got to do with her as a friend or housemate? Or even her personal life in what sounds like a judgemental way. She's just lost a partner. She's bound to be a bit unsettled.

That would give me the ick faster than you could say 'mysogynistic git'.

On the second point, do you think your unease is that she is vulnerable and possibly casting around for a man to latch onto due to her grief, and he isn't putting in place boundaries? I.e. letting her think he might be available, for attention or drama or god knows what. Sounds a bit that way to me.

Sounds like he is saying these unpleasant things to ostensibly reassure you there is no interest there, but providing enough details about their dinners etc. to keep you wondering. That is to say, playing you off against each other.

Plus it is never OK or attractive for a man to push to stay over, even when it isn't an immediate possibility. I would hate this. You're adults and assuming no issues, a relationship will likely involve sex or intimacy at some point. I don't know why the need for him to labour the point or rush you when you can't do it now anyway.

Him being married is not really the issue. him sounding a mess and a bit manipulative is.

lifestooshort123 Sat 09-May-20 07:53:52

You don't trust him yet because you haven't had a chance to get to know him properly yet. I would shy away from being bf and gf talk tbh and wait until you're out of lockdown and can properly date - I know it's an old-fashioned term but if you don't sleep with him until all these niggles are ironed out then you've more chance of keeping your self respect. He might decide he doesn't want the level of commitment that you do and then you could get burned. Take it slow and easy, good luck 🤞

blueskys72 Sat 09-May-20 08:11:43

Could he be angling to move it with you?

blueskys72 Sat 09-May-20 08:12:05

Sorry, move IN with you!! grin

TheseBootsAreMadeForStalking Sat 09-May-20 08:21:52

Yeah, I think Mark is angling to move in with you too.

Regardless, I would absolutely be saying let's keep things casual until you've sorted yourself out re divorce and finding your own living space.

You barely know this guy - 3 months with lockdown just after you met him? Tread very carefully and very casually.

hellsbellsmelons Sat 09-May-20 08:37:50

Now Mark can moan about her, says she is huge in size
I don't like this bit.
Totally disrespectful to someone that is sharing their house with him.

Yes he is married, but if no-one had come near me because I wasn't divorced, it would of been 5+ years! They take time.

I think he's pushing for things too early.
Listen to the wise women on here.

McD45 Sat 09-May-20 09:56:09

Thank you everyone, no you all have good points to make, I am not normally an anxious person and was with someone and married for 20 odd years and was very stable with him, just we grew apart.... but been single for nearly 2 years now, I am very wary and I think its more his comments about her, thats unsettling me as well as this urge to get things moving fast with me... because he is frustrated....I am going to tell him this weekend what my thoughts are as they are playing on my mind and yes I do feel he may be thinking he may want to move in at some point etc.
She seems really nice the lady he is staying with and he pays her rent etc for the food, sort out food...drinks etc.. but at the same time she has gone through a huge divorce and just lost someone 2 years after so I think I would be all over the place too...I think my gut is screaming many things!!!

OP’s posts: |

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