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Need an outside perspective please

(20 Posts)
NeedSomeAdvicePlease123 Fri 08-May-20 14:20:54

Hi,

Can you tell me if you would consider these things are normal in a relationship? My husband says I am touchy and oversensitive and I just need an outside opinion on these incidents please.

DH didn't get me anything for my birthday and when he told me the night before that he had been too busy to get me a present, he immediately blamed it on me for being too hard to buy for in quite a scathing way. This isn't true and I would have been happy with a card and a box of chocolates.

The other night he was going on about how his achievements at work have been "phenomenal" and I said something sarcastic like "yes, you're obviously better than me". This is because I was annoyed because I have facilitated his career for the last 14 years - we have 2 children with additional needs, he travels a lot and works long hours. He then told me in a patronising tone that my response was not normal and my feelings are generally more extreme than everybody else and that my emotional reactions are really unusual.

One Christmas Day he drove with us all in the car at 100kmh in a 60kmh road work zone on a country highway. I was scared because this road (which I am more familiar with than he is because it is on the way to my parents' house) often has large potholes due to rain. He refused to slow down to 60. After I insisted, he slowed to about 85. I didn't want to have a screaming row in front of the kids on Christmas, they were about 6 and 3 and I thought they would be upset so I didn't keep arguing. When I tried to discuss this incident with him later, he said it was my fault because I said it wasn't safe, when I should have said I wanted him to slow down because I was scared.

He was trying to multitask in the kitchen on Christmas Eve and asking DS aged about 6 or 7 to move. DS ignored him, so he grabbed the hood of his hoodie and jerked him back roughly. DS cried that he had hurt his neck. DH told DS it was his fault for not listening. DS came to me upset and said "I think that counts as child abuse, don't you?" and I smoothed it over by making DH apologise to him because again I didn't want Christmas ruined but I was gutted inside.

Thanks for reading all this, I just want to know what you think about it all please.

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Fri 08-May-20 14:32:38

Your husband sounds like a knob

BigBairyHollocks Fri 08-May-20 14:32:38

None of this is normal. He’s a bastard, and clearly is never wrong. What he did in the car would’ve been a deal breaker for me, endangering your children like that for his own arrogant fun. And hurting your DS too, no bloody way would I have that. Hugs to you OP. You need to decide if you can live like this.flowers

category12 Fri 08-May-20 14:32:58

Is he frequently rough with the children or was that a one-off?

No, it's normal, any of it.

NeedSomeAdvicePlease123 Fri 08-May-20 14:41:02

@category12 it was a one-off, he didn't think it through, and he has never been rough on any other occasion, but the refusing to show remorse was the worst part of it for me, scapegoating a 7 year old for his loss of temper.

OP’s posts: |
Reginabambina Fri 08-May-20 14:47:50

He sounds like he has problems accepting that he has done something wrong. In his words, that’s not normal.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Fri 08-May-20 14:51:42

I'm with Shoxfordian. Your husband sounds like a knob. He can't ever be wrong, can he? And the speeding was incredibly dangerous. I'd tell him if he does anything like that again he won't be driving you and the children anywhere.

category12 Fri 08-May-20 14:52:42

The Mr. Right Man - knows everything and refuses to listen to any of your opinions, ridiculing you and your lack of intelligence. When he speaks to or about you, he insults your lack of sense, belittling you whenever possible. Worse, he's an expert on everything about your life and how you should live it to please him. If you foolishly disagree with his expertise on anything, you're mistreating him.

Is this him? ^

NeedSomeAdvicePlease123 Fri 08-May-20 14:56:55

He once belittled me for saying that I thought generic antihistamines didn't work as well as the brand names one. He was scathing and said it was on a par with believing in homeopathy.

OP’s posts: |
something2say Fri 08-May-20 14:57:35

When you eventually leave him, make sure you change your mode of comms. Instead of having a discussion, tell him what you're doing. Dont wait for his answer. If he says why are you leaving etc, tell him and don't wait for him to agree. This will take his power away. What you are seeing and reflecting here about his behaviour is spot on, but he is twisting it round to make you the one in the wrong. So take it away.

VettiyaIruken Fri 08-May-20 15:00:13

He's an absolute twat.

pog100 Fri 08-May-20 15:04:50

Well he doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you does he? Is he generally an arrogant wanker elsewhere in life, work etc.?
I mean I agree with him about the generics thing but I would never be scathing about it to anyone, let alone a spouse that I love.

I don’t know whether it being “normal” or not is relevant. It’s probably sadly the case that this is normal for way too many people.

The point is he’s a dickhead, his behaviour isn’t justified and you’d be better off without him.

Greenlorry Fri 08-May-20 15:12:26

Behave the exact same way don’t go out of your way for birthdays or Christmas and see how he reacts.

nowayhose Fri 08-May-20 15:28:19

He sounds about as loveable as bloody Donald Trump ! angry

Who the hell died and made HIM master of all things, including your mind ??

He's an entitled selfish prick who thinks that neither you nor your children are as important as he is, and never will. angry

I'm really not sure why on earth you are with him at all to be honest. confused

MikeUniformMike Fri 08-May-20 15:44:39

DH didn't get me anything for my birthday and when he told me the night before that he had been too busy to get me a present, he immediately blamed it on me for being too hard to buy for in quite a scathing way. This isn't true and I would have been happy with a card and a box of chocolates.
He didn't even get you a card. Bit shit that.

The other night he was going on about how his achievements at work have been "phenomenal" a.... He then told me in a patronising tone that my response was not normal and my feelings are generally more extreme than everybody else and that my emotional reactions are really unusual.
He was boasting, you put him in his place.
A bit of both, I think, but he sounds like an arsehole.

he drove with us all in the car at 100kmh in a 60kmh road work zone on a country highway... He refused to slow down to 60. After I insisted, he slowed to about 85. ...he said it was my fault because I said it wasn't safe, when I should have said I wanted him to slow down because I was scared.
He was driving too fast. That's not right is it

* DS ignored him, so he grabbed the hood of his hoodie and jerked him back roughly. DS cried that he had hurt his neck.*
Abusive

You should not be scared of your husband.

I would consider leaving based on that.

VoleClock Fri 08-May-20 16:13:27

And you might be right about the antihistamine thing because of the placebo effect. I remember hearing about it on the radio years ago (so, no, I can't quote a source) but it was about various experiments giving people different coloured pills, different packets, different price points etc and there was a significant difference in the reported effects even though the tablets contained the same ingredients.

GilbertMarkham Fri 08-May-20 16:36:56

Phenomenal?

What a wanker.

Your response suggests you think he thinks you're inferior to him and/or you resent losing opportunities for career achievements yourself due to set up in your marriage. I'm not surprised at the first, cause he sounds like a dickhead. The second, perhaps you shouldn't have gone along with that setup but all you canndo now is assert yourself to get a career or however else you want to achieve things on track.

A normal response (without the clear resentment or feeling he looks down on you) would've been "phenomenal? You certainly don't mind blowing your own trumpet, do you". Or "be careful you don't disappear up your own arse" or (rather passive aggressive) " have you ever noticed how the greatest minds and achievers in this world have also been really modest and unassuming. I suppose their sheer level of intellect made them.alqays think about what they didn't know and still had to learn, rather than what they did".

Anyway, do you think he's a narcissist or something.

The driving thing, esp with his family in the car, sounds extremely irresponsible and risk taking. Also criminal, right.

The birthday thing is shit, pretty horrible.

GilbertMarkham Fri 08-May-20 16:40:19

The last thing is abusive really.

He's the adult, he needs to control his temper.

The inability to admit that mistake is arrogant, and doesnt bode well since kids and teenagers can push you to the max.

GilbertMarkham Fri 08-May-20 16:42:27

Ive actually noticed reckless driving as a characteristic of quite a few sociopath, very unpleasant men I've known/heard of.

There's risk taking, over confidence and arrogance in it.

You can see the two latter in his opinion of himself career wise too.

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