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What mistake will you never make again in relationships?

(57 Posts)
something2say Fri 08-May-20 11:07:41

Reading something here has struck me. Can you look back and see a mistake you made that ruined a perfectly good relationship? And did you never do it again?

When I was about 17 and very naive, young and harmed, fresh out of a terrible childhood, I started going out with a boy who had recently split with another girl. They were still in touch etc. We met and started going out, but I always wondered if she were better than me or he liked her more.

I had not been loved or wanted as a child. I'd been physically hurt a lot and shamed, hated on, ostracised. I took over where my mother left off, especially when I felt sad or bad.

I started asking this boy about his ex, her happy family, about things they did together etc. I went on about it so much, I pushed him back to her.

Afterwards, I really saw that I'd ruined it myself with my thinking. I hadn't respectfully given them space, I hadn't given their relationship the right to exist on its own, I probed it. I put myself down, I grieved about my lack of family, I compared us and found myself wanting. It was a form of emotional abuse of myself really.

But when it ended I never ever did it again. It took a long time to get the childhood sorted, but that experience really taught me that self harming in this way is not useful in any way. I had to grow up and become a woman in my own right, with my own gifts that are not to be compared to others. Life can be hard enough without a person putting their own self down too.

Started the thread as a look back I suppose, to see good stuff people learned.

OP’s posts: |
Rainbowqueeen Fri 08-May-20 11:13:24

Put myself second. What I want and need is important and should never be ignored. Compromise of course but never just completely disregarded

Eesha Fri 08-May-20 11:16:21

I'll never ignore red flags again so early on. I'd never really had a properly relationship till I was in my late 20s and was pretty naive. My ex was abusive.

With OLD, I've just been hurt and ghosted a few times so I need to be more hard hearted. Being myself and giving people the benefit of the doubt just gets me nowhere.

NoMoreDickheads Fri 08-May-20 11:22:54

I started asking this boy about his ex, her happy family, about things they did together etc. I went on about it so much, I pushed him back to her. Afterwards, I really saw that I'd ruined it myself with my thinking. I hadn't respectfully given them space,

@something2say Don't blame yourself, it was most likely nothing you did/said.

As to mistakes I will never make again, it's more that I hope I will never again put up with being treated badly or being with someone who's disrespectful. So often blokes said very disrespectful things, and I just let it slide, when I should've ended it. Never again (I hope!)

MarieQueenofScots Fri 08-May-20 11:23:51

Not realise that being single is a valid choice.

I’ve had some wonderful relationships, they’re just not for me!

Crazychild Fri 08-May-20 11:24:27

Settling for a comfortable relationship but one that doesn’t make you truly happy and fulfilled.

It’s the one thing I always say to younger women as it’s especially pertinent for females.
I see it all the time as young women often feel pressured to be in relationships particularly when they’re the only one in their group single and they end up with a nice guy who won’t hurt them but they’re not truly in love with.
There’s a lot to be said for being with a guy who treats you well, respects you and supports you, but a great relationship needs passion and energy, emotional connection and attachment etc

BuddhaAtSea Fri 08-May-20 11:25:32

Getting involved with an addict. It never ever ends up well. Never wanted to cure/fix him in the first place, so that’s not it. I didn’t realise how much the addiction affects every single aspect of everyone’s life, I thought some compartmentalisation does occur. It does not and it drags you down.

something2say Fri 08-May-20 11:25:52

Being treated with respect as a minimum is a great baseline.

Thanks nomoredickheads

OP’s posts: |
Thekindyoufindinasecondhand Fri 08-May-20 11:28:01

I would never put up with a lack of respect again. Not only in a relationship but also in friendships etc.
I realise now once there is no respect, the relationship is over, just took me a while to realise!

Knittingnanny Fri 08-May-20 11:29:57

Never ever settle. It won’t work

pizzaandchoc Fri 08-May-20 11:31:23

Get to know someone slowly

Have better communication

Don't ignore red flags

Don't put up with someone not being that into me

Never end things on bad terms

Have more self worth and self esteem

MaeDanvers Fri 08-May-20 11:33:17

It's taken forever, but I suddenly realised the other day that I will never put up with a relationship that doesn't have mutual valuing and respect at its heart.

It's not that I think I'll never be around those types of people again during the course of life, I just realised I'll never let them into my heart again.

It's a very freeing feeling!

Pajamagirl Fri 08-May-20 11:38:11

Will never be financially dependant on anyone again

Will know my own worth

Will watch out for red flags ( learnt so many of these from mumsnet that I hadn’t been able to see for myself )

cushioncovers Fri 08-May-20 11:38:48

Wish I'd never just blindly Accepted what they said rather than what they did. Actions speak louder than words. Wish I'd realised this when I was younger.

pallasathena Fri 08-May-20 11:44:55

I'm of that generation that was socialised to people please and avoid confrontation at all costs. It took a long, long time but I have learned to put myself first and it has caused some upset oddly enough!
I've also learned to put boundaries in place. Strong boundaries in terms of my relationships with friends, family and colleagues. Had to do it as I was getting royally walked over by those whom I thought genuinely cared about me.
And I've learned not to take myself too seriously.
Overthinking things isn't healthy.

HerBigChance Fri 08-May-20 11:46:42

Not ignoring red flags early on

Not attempting to have a relationship with a 'rescuer': there will be always be a random someone who is suddenly more prioritised than you. And probably someone he barely knows.

Never ever believing in the concept of Soulmates again. Ever.

MondeoFan Fri 08-May-20 11:50:58

To know that I'm a special person and if someone dates me I have to know that I have loads to offer in a relationship.

To never be second best to something or someone.

To notice and not ignore Red Flags much earlier, any doubts taken seriously.

To be sexually compatible.

To not put up with aggressive behaviour and the first sign of a bad temper I'd be gone

something2say Fri 08-May-20 11:52:29

Theres a theme here.

Not being our full selves.
Always standing back.
Not being powerful.

OP’s posts: |
PorpentiaScamander Fri 08-May-20 11:57:31

I'll never have a relationship again. It's just not worth the heartache.

Mullikins Fri 08-May-20 12:04:43

I will never allow someone else's hang ups and issues to be used as a way to control me. I won't put up with being made to feel second, third, fourth...best. I won't ever allow myself to be forced to repeatedly do a sexual act that I don't want to do. I will always pay attention to potential red flags.

I learnt a lot between 20 years old and 30 years old, and now at 39 I feel more secure, happy and confident than I've ever felt before.

NoMoreDickheads Fri 08-May-20 12:12:57

To not put up with aggressive behaviour and the first sign of a bad temper I'd be gone

@MondeoFan Yes, that's a good one.

I won't ever allow myself to be forced to repeatedly do a sexual act that I don't want to do

@Mullikins Yep. Most sex with other people isn't worth it IMO.

Youcanstay Fri 08-May-20 12:20:25

It’s more about the entire disposition for me.
That relationship isin’t a must.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me because relationships aren’t my thing / what i want or dream about.
I’m still learning how to be at peace with this.

So not forcing myself to be in one.
And not crying and endlessly question what is wrong with me and why am i so different from everyone else.

ravenmum Fri 08-May-20 12:41:48

Wish I'd never just blindly Accepted what they said rather than what they did. Actions speak louder than words.
Me too.

MaeveDidIt Fri 08-May-20 14:12:03

To not compromise myself for anyone in any way shape or form.
To know my worth.

Nestofvipers Fri 08-May-20 14:18:46

Be with anyone who makes me feel bad about myself, leaves me wondering where I stand or makes me question myself.

These are really, really obvious, but so many people stay in relationships where they are with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves/question whether they are “good enough” or makes them question where they stand/the relationship etc.

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