fiance lied about his past

[Meopop0130]

i've always felt he's played down the importance of his past relationships as admittedly i can get jealous/create drama over anything he tells me relating to his past ....

but we recently recieved a letter from one of his exes detailing how he used to call her pets names, other things she'd only know if she had slept with him etc....and this is where i'm struggling to believe him....he's always maintained he never slept with her and that they were just friends.....
so after the letter arrived i kept asking him to tell me the truth but he was adamant he was .
and so now i can't get it out of my head that he's lying to me and i feel i can't trust him anymore.
am i being unreasonable? is he lying to keep the peace and can't now backtrack?
i'm fine with being told it's me in the wrong for being insecure over his past..i know that...but is he wrong for lying to me ?

[AteAllTheAfterEights]

What was the context of the letter? Seems an odd thing to just land on your doormat out of the blue

[MonkeyToesOfDoom]

Why did she send a letter?
What trouble is she trying to stir and why?

Everyone has a past. Not everyone is going to detail every minute detail to partners. Not all partners want intimate entails about their current partners past.

You need to control your jealousy and realise that every adult you are ever going to be with has a very high chance they've had sexual relationship in the past. You can either accept that, move on and be happy, or bend yourself into all manner of stupid shapes in an effort to believe your current partner was a virgin before you.

[Meopop0130]

it was an engagement card addressed to both of us ! so she made sure i read it too as i was the one that opened it. it was basically to say she wished him well but to treat me better than he treated her (it was a bit psycho tbh)

[ThrowbackMagic]

What? His ex sent a letter detailing their pet names and sexual experiences together? WTF. Why?

There is nothing wrong with him having an ex or exes - why shouldn’t he have slept with other people before you? The only weird thing here is the fact she’s writing to you both.

If you are really giving him a hard time and interrogating him over the (seemingly innocent) details of his past relationships, then you are the one with the issue. Your behaviour sounds controlling, needy, aggressive, and overbearing.

[Meopop0130]

i know he's had a past (we're no spring chickens tbh) but it's the lying i can't get over

[BendingSpoons]

This is weird. Why is his ex writing to him like that? He shouldn't be lying but it sounds like he may have lied so you don't overreact and now he is worried about you overreacting about that and about lying. Are these women still in his life regularly? Why are you so caught up in his past relationships? I think you need a bit of an amnesty on this, along the lines of what has happened has happened, let's talk about it once more and then forget about it.

[TripleTroubleTime]

He's probably wrong for staying with you, that's the biggest problem here.

He cant win. If he tells the truth you lose it. If he doesnt, you lose it with him for 'lying'. Get a grip. Its none of your business what he got up to in past relationships unless he was abusive.

How old are you, OP? You're coming across exceptionally immature.

[NekoShiro]

You do sound like you focus and cause drama about past relationships so I can see why he might of lied to you, I used to be exactly the same, I don't want to here about the past people my partners have slept with and I don't want to tell them about people I've slept with aand get very upset when exs get mentioned, luckily I grew out of it with my current partner cus after it happened once and I explained how upset it makes me (for no good reason really) he never brought an ex up again for years and now 8 years on whenever an ex comes up I'm more comfortable talking about it, I guess cus I trust him so much it doesn't get to me anymore,

So hopefully you'll find someone that you can trust enough for it to not upset you as well, though I think just pretending exs never happened is the best way forward because they really don't matter

[ThrowbackMagic]

What exactly do you think he’s lying about?

From what you’ve written it sounds like your interest in his past relationships is intrusively inquisitive. I don’t suppose he would want to emphasise the intensity or seriousness of past relationships to his current girlfriend, would he?

[MonkeyToesOfDoom]

it was basically to say she wished him well but to treat me better than he treated her (it was a bit psycho tbh)

There's a big clue why he's lying right there..

The "Psycho ex" he's told you little about and lied about is because she wasnt a "Psycho" at all, he treated her like shite.
It seems a common theme to me, every woman that's labelled a 'Psycho ex' usually turns out to just be a pissed off woman that was treated appallingly by a cunt of a man.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Why are you getting married when you don’t trust him?

I agree, he’s damned (and in trouble/subject to “drama” ) if he’s honest and damned if he’s not.

Don’t you have a past?

[BendingSpoons]

Now I have seen 'psycho ex' , I am wondering a bit more. How does he treat you generally? Have you been jealous with your other partners? Could he be playing with your emotions to make you jealous and potentially 'psycho' later on?

[SpillTheTeaa]

I think his past is irrelevant in all honesty. So what if he slept with her? What are you going to get if he said okay yes I did. You're just going to be more hurt and more angry.
I do feel the card was probably intended to make you feel that way.
Rip it up and move on.
Don't worry about it

[helpfulperson]

It reads to me like she wanted to sleep with him but he didnt want to sleep with her. A very odd thing to put in an engagement card.

[Ohohohwhereyougoing]

You sound unhealthy.... although so does the sender of this card!

Dh is either a dick in previous life or you are a nightmare and he lies to save himself the trouble from you.

Either way this doesn't sound like marriage foundation!

[Winterlife]

Sounds to me as if she wanted to cause trouble between you. It appears she succeeded.

[SistemaAddict]

You are not suited to each other and have a toxic relationship. Don't marry him.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

How does she know your address?

[CurlyEndive]

That is a really weird thing for her to do.

It sounds like they did have a relationship and yes he should have been honest about that, but if it was just a brief fling and he knew you'd react badly I can understand him wanting to keep quiet about it. I'd try and put it behind you and move on as long as everything else is good between you.

[mindutopia]

I don’t know that everyone is entitled to know everything about you just because you’re getting married. I haven’t told dh all the details of my sexual history even when he’s asked. It just wasn’t something I really wanted to talk about as it was well in the past. I don’t think there is anything too odd about that and I wouldn’t consider it ‘lying’.

But honestly an ex who sends an engagement card that tells you all the pet names he used to call her when they had sex sounds pretty ‘psycho’ to me. I would take anything she’s saying with a grain of salt, but I would also worry why she is still so attached presumably years later to be behaving this nuts.

[chunkyriverfish]

It could just be a case of if I can't have him then no-one else can. It is a very weird thing to ever do, send an engagement card detailing their relationship. Beyond strange.

When my ex who was unkind and controlling got enagaged and married at no time did I think, I know I will send them an engagement card detailing... you get the picture.

But he cannot win, he tells you stuff you create drama, he doesn't tell you and you are annoyed at him. His past relationship is the past. She could well have had issues and their relationship didn't work out.

I would be questioning why she felt the need to write anything. She could have written to you to say I hope he treats you better than he treated me. She didn't need to shit stir. She did it to cause problems as she knows you would have been feeling happy being newly engaged.

[Musti]

I don't understand what kind of letter to you both would have sex stuff in it?

[MonkeyToesOfDoom]

Musti

I think it's a modern thing, inviting all your old sexual partners to watch you marry your current partner.

"Dear Donkey Cock,
As I loved the times you slipped me a length in the stalls of the Old Vic, I'd like you to pop along and watch me marry Gnat Knackers. Though he doesn't have the length or girth of you, I think you'd enjoy meeting him and imagining me riding him reverse cowgirl the way unused to ride you. Hope you can make it, I'll lube up the strap on like we used to, see you soon.
Yours,
Your Ickle Nelly Knockers"

[NotKeenOnSwede]

To be fair if I sent my ex and his girlfriend an engagement card with a cringy message like that I'd feel a bit "psycho" people with healthy approaches just carry on their own lives with integrity, even if they're fuming and bitter inside

[avroroad]

It's not really normal to put any of that in so thing accompanying an engagement card. People seem to have picked up on your use of the 'psycho' word but in the wrong context. He isn't proclaiming her psycho, you said the letter was a bit psycho. Which it is. It's really weird and to me looks like an attempt to drive a wedge between you. I wouldn't give any head space to this tbh. The kind of person who does this isn't really a relatable source.