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Please can someone help

(18 Posts)
Harvey2312 Fri 08-May-20 07:10:15

My ex boyfriend has walked away, he wont talk to me but im finding it really dificult as i feel my feelings i expressed should be took into consideration that led to the breakup. Nearly 5 years ago he wouldnt stop during sex which i had to end up punching him to get him of me. He was sorry for all of 2 days and therefore after i was never allowed to mention it again. I get triggers still coz i havnt been allowed to talk about it, he even blames me thst i confuse him sexually. Anyway i ended up bringing it up again and now hes walked away. I feel im not aloud emotions. Im now going through a breakup on top of feeling like my feelings dont matter. He blames me for the breakup too and im struggling, i feel like im going mad

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SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Fri 08-May-20 07:20:29

Oh, sweetheart, this all sounds completely awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I can tell you one thing for sure, him leaving is the best thing that could have happened to you.

You are absolutely allowed your own feelings. He just doesnt care about them, so trying to make him care will only hurt you. Delete and block his number, and gather your support system round you and get yourself taken care of. Is there someone you can go and stay with? Mum, sister, best friend? It's not breaking lockdown rules if you're struggling and need help.

I also think it would be worth looking into getting some counselling. It sounds like a lot of his behaviour has been truly awful. I don't want to use labels that might be upsetting for you, or that you might not feel comfortable hearing just now, but i think processing all this with the help of a therapist would be a really good idea.

You can get through this, and you will. You deserve so much better and it's waiting for you out there.

TwistyHair Fri 08-May-20 07:24:20

That sounds really traumatic for you to have gone through. And awful that he’s blaming you for it all.

Harvey2312 Fri 08-May-20 07:37:18

It was a horrible experiance, i ended up confiding in his brothers wife who attacked me and made it come out in front of his whole family. The trigger was he was joking with her on facebook when he said he doesnt like her. It felt they were all laughing at me. He gets to look the good guy and its not fair when hes destroyed me

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TwistyHair Fri 08-May-20 07:44:41

God that’s even worse.

TwistyHair Fri 08-May-20 07:45:08

Can you phone a support line for support with the rape?

TwistyHair Fri 08-May-20 07:49:29

Sorry I’ve just realised that you didn’t actually call it a rape so maybe it didn’t feel like that. I don’t want to put words into your mouth

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-May-20 07:58:25

You need to realise he has done you a massive favour.
Your feelings don't count to him. Brush it under the carpet and get on with life. That is not OK.
And sorry, but he raped you.
A call to rape crisis will help you to process all of this. They have specialist counsellors that can really help you.
Do not deny yourself the help you need to get through this.
Reach out.
And block, ignore and delete him from your life. Far far easier said than done but he is not a good guy.

Harvey2312 Fri 08-May-20 08:12:52

I know it was rspe coz thats exactly how it felt. I think hes blurred my reality on things im finding it hard to see clear right now. Its very hard when everythings your fault. He was forceful once i said stop and left bruises on my arms and legs, once he got of after me hitting him he them started banging his head against the wall and started crying. It felt like he turned it round about himself instead of ever being sincerally sorry, think thats why ive never got closure its horrible. I actuslly feel like im the bad person in all this, hes told me hes blocked my number till lockdown is over so he will then start seeing the kids. I feel furthermore isolated aswell as dealing with this. Ill try a helpline. I needed to reach out so thankyou for your support

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TwistyHair Fri 08-May-20 09:48:50

Ok, glad I didn’t make you feel worse by using that word. I would try to ring women’s aid if you can or rape crisis. Sounds like he’s been emotionally abusive as well if he’s managed to make you feel it’s all your fault. Which it isn’t.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff Fri 08-May-20 09:53:12

I can only add that him walking away will be the best thing that happens to you and your children.

Get some help from a helpline soon if you can.

Your life can only get better from

Harvey2312 Fri 08-May-20 10:51:45

He has said he will still support me with uni with my placements coz we have children, i feel like its a control thing i dont know whether im seeing things clear. But id rather he didnt support me at all

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SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Fri 08-May-20 11:03:34

Any support he gives you will be used as a stick to beat you with. File for CMS, get a lawyer, get a custody agreement in writing and then move on with your life.

NoMoreDickheads Fri 08-May-20 11:04:26

He's not going to admit the reality of what he did/the impact it had on you. Turn to helplines, Mumsnet, other forums, family and friends if there are some you feel you can talk to about it.

Don't have any more to do with him than you have to, to organize practicalities about the kids.

Don't try and talk to him about anything meaningful at all- his reaction will always disappoint you, or even if one day he's actually supportive about something, he won't be the next. He could use things you say against you, to mess with you.

He has said he will still support me with uni with my placements coz we have children, i feel like its a control thing i dont know whether im seeing things clear. But id rather he didnt support me at all

Do you mean he's going to support you with childcare? Other than that, don't accept any 'support' from him. Only accept that 'help' if/when you really have to.

The bloke is a violent rapist, he is dangerous, he could do anything.
He is a destructive person. Have as little to do with him as possible.

SandyY2K Fri 08-May-20 11:12:36

So he's not fussed about seeing his DC till lockdown is over?

He should have stopped when you told him to. He doesn't sound great and he just wants you to shut up about it.

Perhaps you should have got support 5 years ago, because if the feelings are still there for you it's hard, but I can understand he may feel if he thinks it's in the past, but 5 years on he's still hearing about it.

Harvey2312 Fri 08-May-20 11:31:58

I feel the only thing that could of helped me while in the relationship was some understanding. I know its something he wanted to forget but it was difficult when i mentioned it aggression would be shown so i was expected to be silent. Another time i brought it up his friend was on about walking home one night and he said to him to get a taxi but to be careful he doesnt get raped. Its comments like that i find really disrespectful, i felt like i wanted to fall in a hole and never come back out. Its the childcare hes on about helping with but itll mean alot on contact because they are nursing placements and funny hours. I just feel his offer of support will hold me back from moving forward.

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Harvey2312 Fri 08-May-20 11:38:34

I did also contact him over the kids he said he wont see them incase he passes anything on as hes still working, but now hes asked to have them tomorrow night. So i feel awkward about tomorrow and anxious

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TwistyHair Fri 08-May-20 14:23:38

The trouble with relying on him for support with uni, is that he may use it to mess up your uni chances. As in, he knows you rely on him and then suddenly isn’t available when you’ve got a really important shift or assignment due in. I’ve heard of things like this happening before. I suspect your intuition is correct and he’ll make it more difficult for you.

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