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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I saw him in bed with someone else.

137 replies

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 22:29

My husband.
We broke up for 18 months and have got back together.
He saw someone a few times.

Once I went to his and saw them together.

I have really, really low self confidence. Have had kids. Am very, very overweight due to emotional eating and medication

She... well, was the complete opposite of me. Very slim, blonde, younger, no kids so no sagging or stretchmarks.

I find it hard when we have sex to relax. I keep seeing his hands on her tiny waist.

We've talked and he's reassured me but the image is there. Burned into my mind.

I've always felt like I'm not good enough. And now I think he's had a proper woman and he has to go back to me.

I'm trying to lose weight but I'll still have stretched out skin, sagging breasts, extreme overhang (not a cut pooch. A full apron of skin)

I just feel so shit.

I know not many people will have seen their husband with another woman so probably not asking for experiences but maybe a way to build my confidence? :(

OP posts:

Report

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 22:34

Best way to build your confidence would be to lose the dead weight - and by that, I mean him!

Assuming you dont mean he cheated? Just saw someone else during your split?

Why did you first break up? And why did you take him back?

OliveToboogie · 07/05/2020 22:37

If you really want this to work then you need to let go of that image. You are being way too harsh about your self. Try to eat more healthier and go for walks maybe. However why you want him back when he ia a cheat is another issue All together good luck.

OliveToboogie · 07/05/2020 22:38

You will lose 13 stone straight away by binning your ex x

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 22:40

Huh.

He never cheated.

He slept with someone. I did too.

It's not about him having sex with someone.

It's the fact I had to see it. She her. What she looked like etc..
Would have been better if I didn't know so I could convince myself she was like me at least.

OP posts:

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 22:41

Why do I need to bin him?

We were seperated.

I slept with someone in that 18 months too.

He did nothing wrong

OP posts:

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 22:41

How is he a cheat. Did anyone actually read what I wrote?

OP posts:

NotKeenOnSwede · 07/05/2020 22:43

If it was so great with her he'd still be with her. But he's with you x

changechange · 07/05/2020 22:43

Well he chose to come back to you didn't he? If she was so much better than you why did he come back?

Pinkyyy · 07/05/2020 22:45

I don't understand how you saw them at it?

JemimaShore · 07/05/2020 22:46

If you're back together then he clearly wants you? There's more to a good sex life than having a tiny waist. It's hard to tell, as your OP is so scant on details - but ask yourself why your self esteem is so low. He's back with you because he wants to be, surely.

jelly79 · 07/05/2020 22:46

He is with you so you have to let go of that or it work eat your up.

How did you see them in bed though???

TenShortStories · 07/05/2020 22:48

Why do you feel that because she was slim she is inherently more attractive than you are to him? He doesn't have to be in a relationship with you, so presumably he does so because he is attracted to you and wants to be with you. Is it possible that you have more issue with you appearance than he does? If so, what do you want to do about it? Address your mindset? Get fitter? Counselling?

Why did you break up and get back together though?

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 22:50

I saw because he lived in a ground floor flat, I'd secured my bike in the car park at the back so had to walk passed his large open plan living room/bedroom window to get to the communal entrance of the flats.

OP posts:

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 22:51

Is why we broke up relevant? It's long and personal.

No cheating or mistreatment involved.

OP posts:

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 22:54

It's probably more an issue in my head yes but I was so different when we first got together.
I can't see him choosing to be with someone like me now if it weren't for out history and kids?

It's not anything he has EVER said. It's just my perception of what a man would be attracted to from what I see and hear everyday.
Men are not generally kind to fat women.

OP posts:

dearyme89 · 07/05/2020 22:56

Please don't say he had a 'proper woman'. That's heartbreaking.

You've had children and you should try to be proud of yourself and how you look and what your body has given you.

I can imagine how hard it is, but he chose you!

GoodJobSteve · 07/05/2020 23:00

Some projection in these responses, OP! As a PP mentioned - he chose to be with you. His idea of beauty/attraction is not the same as yours, so you won't be able to 'see' yourself through his eyes. Judge him by what he does, I guess.

FlamingIris · 07/05/2020 23:00

You say men are not generally kind to fat women. Is that what he thinks or you?
Your beauty and self worth isn’t measured by scales or looks.
If he doesn’t make you feel loved then what’s the point? If he tries and you shut him down then you need to consider counselling or confidence building.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 07/05/2020 23:06

I kind of understand OP. I am overweight and while I don't actually doubt that my DH loves me, my own low confidence often makes me question why he chooses to be here.

It is my (and your) issue, not really related to what you saw.

Unless your DH came back under duress (which I highly doubt), he's with you because you are more than just your weight and he loves you.

Can you access any counselling? maybe try some healthy meals to lose weight and look into a way to build up your confidence (I'm doing slimming world, walking and couch to 5K).

LovingLola · 07/05/2020 23:08

Have you told him how you feel ?

walksonthebeach · 07/05/2020 23:16

When I first started dating my DP, I was a tiny size 8. We worked together & a girl he had dated before me started working with us. She was very overweight & absolutely beautiful & was really funny had a great personality, I really liked her but I was so jealous of her because I knew they'd been together.

My guess is whoever this girl is that he was in bed with is jealous of you now because he's with you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 23:20

Men are not generally nice to fat women is my daily treatment.

Sniggers. Whistles followed by laughs. Blokes on the Internet whose first port of call in any debate situation is to play the weight card against me.

Not my husband. But the women he is attracted to, say celebrities, or crushes have always been slim. Curvy but slim. And the woman he chose to sleep with was.

I just think I'm not his type. It's just because I'm his kids mum that he says those things.

I know it's my twisted thinking.

But if he gained 6 stone. I honestly don't know how I would feel physically towards him so is it that far fetched to believe he is being KIND and not truthful. He knows him saying anything about my weight would devastate me.

OP posts:

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DuckingHeckers · 07/05/2020 23:21

I'm honestly nothing to be jealous of.

I used to be pretty. I've aged so much. Gained so much weight. Cut all my hair off. I barely get out of my pj's.

OP posts:

Mulhollandmagoo · 07/05/2020 23:22

I would definitely work on your self esteem and self confidence. It must have been a gut wrenching thing to see, but comparison is the theif of joy. You and your husband are now back together because you want to be, he's with you because he loves you and wants to be with you, so you owe it to both of you to build up that confidence, stop being so harsh on yourself and start enjoying your marriage again

And FWIW I look at myself and hate what I see I have a list as long as my arm of imperfections, stretch marks, cellulite saggy skin the works....my husband doesn't even notice them, he has as long a list of things he does like.

JemimaShore · 07/05/2020 23:27

Well we all age, dear

Is the weight gain something you want to do something about? Maybe frame it in your mind as getting fit and healthy again, which is a good thing to do anytime, but particularly right now.

If you really think he's only with you because you're the mother of his children, maybe it's time for YOU to move on? Find someone who wants to be with YOU.

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