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Partner suddenly left after 16years and I’m heartbroken

(80 Posts)
27Kirkham Thu 07-May-20 12:36:26

So a few weeks ago my partner woke up and out the blue said he didn’t love me anymore, he said he didn’t want to be just a ‘mummy and daddy’ anymore and wasn’t fulfilled growing old with someone that was his best friend and he wanted more. I asked if there was anybody else and he said there wasn’t and he was severely depressed with his life. We have been building our dream home Over the last 12months and were due to move in before lockdown hit so have been living with my parents for the last year whilst the build was happening. I know this has took a strain on our relationship in regards to intimacy and our own space but it was only going to be for a short period of time. He immediately packed a bag and left my and our two year old son stating he needed space and wasn’t open to talking through anything as he needs to find what makes him happy. I’ve been reading up on depression and trying to send him things over that will help guide him to get some counselling and help but he just seems to be burying his head in the sand and continuing with his normal routine of work then seeing our little boy. I can’t eat, sleep or function. I’m struggling to be a good mum to our little boy as each morning it all hits me like train. The days my little boy goes to stay with him I just bury my head in bed and don’t want to see the light of day. I’m unsure of what to do for the best, leave him to his own devices or pursue trying to help him through this. We have never had any problems or arguments in the past and this has completely floored me

OP’s posts: |
LemmysAceCard Thu 07-May-20 12:40:13

Oh OP how awful. Do you think he is depressed? Or is this just an excuse as he cant be arsed with the daily grind of being a parent? Look after yourself OP.

category12 Thu 07-May-20 12:43:52

I wouldn't be surprised if the OW surfaces.

firstimemamma Thu 07-May-20 12:46:28

No advice or anything op but I'm so sorry for what you're going through thanks

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 07-May-20 12:47:19

Ah the old "happiness " quest . I am so sorry and have been through this too . I hate to say it but there could be someone else. Sometimes the depression comes with this when they don't have the balls to be honest and own up about it . I know you won't believe it but you will get through this .

27Kirkham Thu 07-May-20 12:48:35

He has said he is depressed and wants to find out what makes him happy. I asked if there was someone else and he said there isn’t. We had been living at my parents provisionally and were due to move into our new house with our little boy till Covid hit.
The day before he announced it (Easter Sunday) we were out for a family walk, posting Easter cards to our neighbours, I keep thinking back and there were no clues that this was coming. I’ve sent him articles and numbers to call regarding his depression but he isn’t engaging in it. I’m so worried about his mental health now he is isolated on his own, but I’m a mess myself trying to deal with my own emotions whilst trying to be a good mum in lockdown

OP’s posts: |
TwistyHair Thu 07-May-20 12:49:50

What a shock. Where has he gone to stay? It must be so hard to be without your son.

theseriousmoonlight Thu 07-May-20 12:50:40

I'm so sorry OP. He probably left you a long time in his mind, that's what seems to be the case when partners up and leave 'out of the blue'. It's completely unfair that he didn't talk to you openly about his feelings before abandoning you and your son.

There will be far more eloquent and experienced posters to offer better advice than me, but for what it's worth, I would give him the space he obviously wants. Don't contact him unless it's about your son. Don't offer advice on depression - he lost his right to your concern when he left you without warning.

Focus on you and your son. And think long and hard about whether you need or want someone who will just abandon his family back in your life.

27Kirkham Thu 07-May-20 12:51:07

He’s gone to stay at his mums house (she lives between here and Ireland and isn’t currently there)

OP’s posts: |
PersonaNonGarter Thu 07-May-20 12:52:00

Sorry to hear this. flowers

I think there will be someone else.

HollowTalk Thu 07-May-20 12:54:52

You need to look after yourself first, OP. Unless he's had a complete breakdown (and with no warning that seems a bit unlikely) then it's more likely he's been having an affair, I'm afraid.

category12 Thu 07-May-20 12:56:34

I think you should concentrate on looking after yourself and your LO, not worrying about his alleged MH. You may discover he's not alone at his mum's.

GinGinHooray Thu 07-May-20 13:01:13

I'm so sorry OP, this must be such a shock.

I agree with PP's that there is probably an OW, either an affair or emotional affair. It's very rare for men to just up and leave their home, wife, children (and in your case your hard earned dream home etc.) for a life on their own, unless there is another woman waiting in the wings.

This must be so devastating, the very least he owes you is the whole truth.

Babdoc Thu 07-May-20 13:01:52

I would bet serious money that an OW is involved. If a happily married man gets depressed, he is more likely to seek help from his GP and rely on his wife for support to get through it - it would be most unusual to move out and try to cope with all the domestic chores alone in a different property, while demotivated and lacking energy due to depression.

SuperbMonkey Thu 07-May-20 13:04:53

Hi there @27Kirkham. So sorry to read this. You might want to look at this thread:

We are in the same boat, at different stages in life. Lots of helpful information and advice to read alongside your own thread.

BlingLoving Thu 07-May-20 13:07:57

Well, bollocks to that.

Maybe he has an OW and lockdown made him realise he couldn't carry on a double life. If so, he's a twat.

Maybe he is depressed, and things were exacerbated by lock down. If so, sympathies but being depressed doesn't justify blowing up your family with no warning and leaving you in the lurch.

How convenient that during lockdown when everyone is cooped up he gets to go off and be alone in his mum's house.

Stop trying to help him by sending things to him about depression. Start getting angry. If he's depressed and needs your help, you're willing to give it but that doesn't mean he gets to simply walk out. Is he stepping up with your Ds or is he seeing him every few days for a few hours? Because I'd be asking yourself why he's so happy to walk out on DS too.

Sorry OP. this must be incredibly hard.

peperethecat Thu 07-May-20 13:08:24

So sorry OP. What is your financial situation? Do you both own the new house together? Do you work?

thriftyhen Thu 07-May-20 13:13:21

I actually think you should be worried for him, if he is depressed. I know that it is difficult in lockdown, but is there any way you can get someone to check on him? I wouldn't be happy with him being by himself. I am sorry that you are going through this.

vikingwife Thu 07-May-20 13:14:26

Please stop engaging with him by sending info about depression. You will regret prioritising his feelings & feel like a mug for doing so in future.

Depression does not make you forget you love people. You can feel not good enough & they would be better off without you, or that you’re a loser who doesn’t deserve them, but you don’t just walk out of your marriage because you’re depressed & want to find yourself. if it was real depression you would have seen him deteriorate & noticed signs earlier, probably having to ask him to either leave to sort his head out or go to counselling & often the fear of losing your family is what gives people the urge to seek treatment.

He has blindsided you. He may indeed feel depressed because he is not happy, but that is not the same as having depression. Him calling it that is a cop out to those of us who do have depression!

I would be almost certain there is someone else he has his eye on, even if it is not actual cheating, the statistical likelihood of this is too great to ignore. To up & leave suddenly, no talk of counselling or trying to work through issues makes it a lot easier to have that fling, because you are separated.

He is having his cake & eating it too because you’re sat here worried about him, while in all likelihood he is on tinder or talking to a colleague. Am sorry, know that’s difficult to hear but I would advise going to Chump Lady website - she will teach you how to stop doing the “pick me” dance which is what you’re doing right now.

If I were you would be seeking legal advice to ensure you get everything you’re owed.

ellanwood Thu 07-May-20 13:18:02

I am sorry this has happened to you.
Truly, how grotesque can a person be that they put their own happiness in front of the happiness of their two-year-old child? You couldn't contemplate doing that could you? And bollocks to depression making him have no other choice. I've suffered from severe depression for decades. The one thing I have kept my eye on as a target is that my DC never be impacted by it. Depression and selfish behaviour do not have to come hand in hand, even in extreme scenarios.

Try cutting him dead. No sympathy, no assistance, no attention. Start making your own plans, ensuring that you prioritise in this order: your child, yourself, your parents who you are currently living with, then him. Get legal advice - and financial advice about selling the new build home on the cusp of a severe recession. Or maybe renting it out and using the income to find somewhere safe, practical and suitable for you and your son. Any wheedling that he needs what he wants should be met with a very blunt: DC's needs and wants are more important than yours. I am the parent who didn't desert him. I am the parent who has not selfishly chosen my own happiness over his, so I am the one who can be relied upon to make decisions that are genuinely and fairly based on his needs and security, not my own personal convenience.

And please don't take him back. I despise no one in the world more than parents who do this to young children. Bloated narcissistic egos.

EnoughAlready2020 Thu 07-May-20 13:19:01

I would go to his mums house and look for the OW

Mkh873w Thu 07-May-20 13:22:46

I’m so sorry. What an arse.
But cherchez la femme.

mostlydrinkstea Thu 07-May-20 13:30:12

There may not be another woman. It might just be the potential of another woman. He has checked out of the relationship and is not invested in coming back. A small child, a house project or a wife that cares for him are not enough because it is he has realised he isn't happy and it is his happiness that is the most important thing. It is not rational but it is what you are faced with. He has checked out and he is not your friend. Now is the time to find a lawyer, get your financials sorted out and work out how you are going to be managing on your own. It is vile but many, many women have been here before.

Weallhavevalidopinions Thu 07-May-20 13:33:01

That must be so hard for you.
He may be going through a mid life crisis and once he has time off realise what he actually has and could lose. Don't me mean to him even though he has left you feeling sad, you will only regret it later.

Now focus on yourself and your child. Take one day at a time and do something to make you feel good. Try to push his to the back of your mind since worrying will not affect what he does and will make you feel worse.

Good luck

Weallhavevalidopinions Thu 07-May-20 13:35:25

To those that say don't worry about him....

If he is depressed then someone else (his friends or family) should check on him often since more men under 50? (can't remember the exact age) die of suicide in the UK than any other reason (including Covid-19).... they really do and a pit of depression makes people do strange things including walking out of a marriage and moving to an empty home

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