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“If you do good school work with mum this morning you can have a movie with me this afternoon@

(6 Posts)
NaviSprite Thu 07-May-20 10:37:02

If he’s not working at the moment then maybe I would approach it as “great idea! Then tomorrow you can do the morning teaching an I’ll watch a movie with them if they do well.” (or something else you’d find fun). It’s not going to get to the root of your frustrations, but I’d go that way first and he starts spitting feathers, you’ve got your in on discussing how unfairly split the duties seem to be (as in, you doing the teaching and such and him basically being Disney Dad).

If he agrees because he doesn’t want to lose face, take it further and say “we can take it in turns, one of us gets the morning teaching the other gets the fun activity afternoon, then the next day we switch!”.

I have had to do this with my DH on occasion (different situations mind) and generally framing it as though it’s his idea, remaining upbeat on the surface and stating it will happen rather than asking seems to get through. It’s not the best as basically it’s like training a puppy, but if you’d rather save the actual deep conversation (which may lead to arguments) until lockdown is eased, I wouldn’t blame you smile.

That conversation does need to happen of course, but if he’s one to flounce after being challenged it’s better he leave the house for a bit than to keep tensions at home.

ConnieDoodle Thu 07-May-20 10:01:34

He is using up all the lazy cards. Which means you can’t. It is unfair. I read about the lazy cards crom a mumsnet poster last year. The take out card. The playstation card. The no bath tonight card. Of one partner always uses them, it really unbalances the parenting workload. Its opting out of actual parenting and making yourself cool uncle or cool aunt.

At the start of the week youd be better deciding how your weeks will look, then breaking the time slots down into who is doing what. That way you both get a balance.

LemonTT Thu 07-May-20 09:57:23

I don’t know whether it’s reasonable or not. If this is his time with the children then as an equal parent he can decide what he wants to do with them in his shift. Just like you do. I’d rather be outside with children than watch a movie with them. It’s not necessarily a fun cross generational experience.

Problem seems to be that he doesn’t have responsibility for Educational or chore like activities. How did this happen ? Be honest in exploring this as a couple. Is it him avoiding it or you not giving up control ? I am fully aware that I don’t give and I don’t want to give up control of certain aspects of home life. But I can’t get resentful about this. It’s my choice.

Justtryingtobehelpful Thu 07-May-20 09:15:24

Take a deep breath then go and state this to him. Focus on using I statements. Keep your tone neutral. Clearly tell him what you expect him to do with them this afternoon. If you're overseeing the activities, tell him what sort are expected. Then do as pp suggested, break it into specific times.
The ranting and storming off are tactics to get you to back down and let him have an easy time. Do you normally do the grunt work and let him passively aggressively hey himself off the hook for stuff? Could be the time to stay changing things so the dynamics are fairer to you. Stand up to him. Don't let him pigeon hole you into being uncool parent. Again, it's a tactic to make his life easier. Same with the storming off. Little show of anger to get you to back down. Don't let him!

holrosea Thu 07-May-20 09:08:03

Don't have a constructive response but YANBU to want him to do an equal share of home schooling, nor to want a fun activity (& a bit of veg time) during your own childcare slot.

Perhaps divide up tasks rather than time, i.e. English, maths, science, history, movie, walk, lunch, bedtime, etc., then divide these takes equally rather than just the hours.

Alternatively, watch a movie with the kids so he's forced to catch up on school, but this is passive aggressive, probably unproductive & might end in a huge fight & the kids learning nothing. Good luck. Xx

Earlgrey19 Thu 07-May-20 08:55:42

Just aaaarrrggh! This is DH doing movie afternoons again when it’s his shift with the kids. Putting all the home schooling onto me. I have both kids all day several days, plus several mornings and I work so hard to get a balance of home schooling, creative activities and exercise/fresh air, why does he get to do f***ing movie afternoons when it’s his turn? He does a few afternoons per week. I’m not against DCs having movies. Obvs it’s nice and they need veg out time, but how about we save them for when I’ve got them all day?! Yet again he’s making me into boring teacher and him fun time off guy. And he’s mega pissed off with for seeming hesitant when he told me about it, and stormed off. Rant over.

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