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Please encourage me to be strong

(23 Posts)
Takethelongwayhome Thu 07-May-20 08:48:28

Hi all, sorry if this is long but I just need to talk , please be kind to me as altho I come across as strong inside my heart is breaking.
I divorced 10 years ago, ( 2 children , now left home ) and then had a toxic and unhealthy relationship after that which lasted 5 yrs, I loved him at the time but knew it was toxic. I got over that and was on my own for a few years which I enjoyed.
I have my own house , good career and no money worries and I’ve worked really really hard to get in this position. I think I am kind , easygoing and hate confrontation.
3.5 years ago I met a lovely man, he was smitten with me , but I was cautious as he was recently separated. We dated at the weekends for the first year and then after much discussion he moved in. He was always saying ‘ will you marry me’ and telling me he loved me. I made it very clear from the start that if he was moving in I expected it to lead to marriage , otherwise I was quite happy to stay dating.
95 % has been great, he’s very loving and attentive , financially he contributes ( altho I know he’s been onto a good thing with me as my bills are low and I have no mortgage) and he has more disposable income now than ever.
However we had a huge row last night and this morning I asked him to leave. We argued about marriage as I bought it up and said I was fed up cos we have the conversation but it never goes anywhere. It’s not the first time we have argued about it and what happens is he deflects and turns it back onto me every time. Then agrees we will get married but months go by until we have the same conversation.
I told him I feel manipulated, I don’t want a live in partner, to be a quasi wife. I either want to be married or he move out. I don’t want to feel a nag, I took him at his word 2.5 years ago and now I just feel wretched and to be honest used.
He’s got to live in a lovely house , own bathroom, taken over garage , all for very little financial input. Although as I said we do get on great, in every respect a perfect fit.
When I reminded him about him always asking me to marry him in the first 2 yrs his response was ‘ well, all men do that!’
I guess I’m really annoyed as I don’t play games and I was very honest about my expectations and now I just feel played.
If a man wants to marry you he will ( he has been divorced 3 yrs.. so that’s not the problem) so I know asking him to move out is the right thing. I feel very upset as I love him and I know he loves me, just not enough to marry me. And I feel a bit petty, but I think why should he benefit from living cheaply in a lovely home with me , as far as he’s concerned we live like a married couple and he is committed to me and I should be happy with that. But I’m not, it makes me feel worthless. Should I be content with what we have now or am I right to want what we discussed previously. Am I going to regret splitting us up....

OP’s posts: |
katmarie Thu 07-May-20 09:16:12

If getting married is that important to you (and I totally understand that, I married my DH within a year of us moving in together because it was important to both of us), then you have absolutely done the right thing. He knew this was important to you, it's not like this is a sudden surprise for him, and he has strung you along for several years, telling you what you want to hear, but never being willing to either demonstrate his commitment with action, or have the courage to be honest with you and tell you that his values and yours do not match up on this issue. I suspect his life was very comfortable and he didn't want to rock that boat by being honest with you.

What is important to consider now though is what you will do if he comes back and says, well lets get married then. Do you have the confidence that he would follow through with it (seems unlikely) and even if he did, do you want to be married to someone who basically has to be forced to commit before they would do so?

TorkTorkBam Thu 07-May-20 09:21:20

He misleads you and he deflects and turns it back onto me every time so you are definitely doing the right thing in kicking him out.

Gamezup Thu 07-May-20 09:31:51

You told him from the outset about your plans for marriage, yet he seems to have conveniently brushed aside your wishes....and undoubtedly because he's found himself in a very comfortable position since moving in with you! Stick to your guns I would say, if you back down now by letting him have his own selfish way, ask yourself if you'll be happy with your current relationship for the next 20 or 30 years or so. Sounds as if he's landed on his feet with you Takethelongwayhome. Be strong. I would say goodbye to the selfish git and remember: there's plenty of other fish in the sea!

baileys6904 Thu 07-May-20 09:38:32

Why are you focusing on all the physical aspects of the relationship rather than feelings? You talk about how he should feel lucky to have the nice house, own bathroom etc, nothing about emotional aspects. If this was a man writing it, you'd get a whole different response. It's like, 'marry me for the house and standard of living' when actually if he took you up on that I'd be more concerned.
Or perhaps that's a telling feature about this relationship that shows it is actually the right decision for you anyway

LemonTT Thu 07-May-20 09:44:22

If marriage is a deal breaker for you the you are right to end things. But why, given that you own a home outright and have a family, would you contemplate this. You do know that marriage isn’t just a piece of paper. It binds you financially and in the event of divorce, all the security you accrued with be on the table for consideration as marital assets, not personal assets. Without wills you will disinherit your children.

Takethelongwayhome Thu 07-May-20 09:46:24

Bailey... it’s a fair point you make. I guess I’m just left wandering if it’s me he found so attractive or my financial situation. Or maybe I’m just insecure.. anyway I do appreciate your reply . Thank you to you and everyone else for replying. I am so confused at the moment.

OP’s posts: |
Blurpblorp Thu 07-May-20 09:49:36

Sorry you're in this situation OP but what @LemonTT said x 1,000,000. I get that having a solid commitment from someone is important to you and he does sound a bit crap for not following through with it. But don't do anything to jeopardise everything you've worked and fought so hard for.

crystalize Thu 07-May-20 09:50:49

I was thinking that too LemonT. If you got married and things were to deteriorate years down the line and you separate, wouldn't he get a claim on your home? You worked so hard to become independent, do whatever you can to protect you and your childrens future.

If things do work out between you and you end up getting married, do seek legal advice first about this.

TorkTorkBam Thu 07-May-20 09:54:32

Just go back to dating. You said you would have been happy to stay just dating if he didn't want to marry. So do that.

Let's say you have a few months of dating and you change your mind and fancy living in sin again and he is up for it too then you could make that choice. Mind you, I expect this will be his wake up call that he put himself in a precarious position when he moved into your house.

Blurpblorp Thu 07-May-20 09:55:29

Also @Takethelongwayhome I was in a similar situation to you. With someone who was great 95% of the time, contributed, worked hard, lovely to me but our financial situations were so different. It fizzled out between us in the end but for 2.5 years, wondering whether he just liked me for my financial situation/house etc. never really went away. And when he didn't make the effort sometimes it made me sadder/angrier than it should. No advice really but some empathy nonetheless...

Rainbowqueeen Thu 07-May-20 10:00:01

What you want and need are important
You have told him what you want and need.
A loving partner would want to support you and be willing to compromise so that your wants and needs are met. Or at the very least talk about it and be honest with you
This guy hasn’t done this. And now he is trying to gaslight you.

You’ve done the right thing.

Opentooffers Thu 07-May-20 10:06:01

It sounds to me like, although he's got it nice financially at the moment, he's obviously not thinking how much he can gain from this as, if you married him, the house and everything you own would become his too potentially ( unless you want a pre-nup).
Could be a fear of going through a divorce again in the future, or maybe content for now but not sure about a long future. Hard to know which if he won't discuss it with you, but if he'd rather split up than get married I guess that is an answer in itself and you are just not on the same page.

Takethelongwayhome Thu 07-May-20 10:11:06

Thank you everyone. I think he’s angry that he’s got to start paying rent and all the associated bills entailed with living solo. He had got a lump sum for a mortgage deposit but would struggle I think to get a mortgage given his age as ~10 yrs till retirement age. I think he will resent me and feel I have ‘put’ him in this position. He has almost no pension so I do feel bad. As I said I do love him so much but as needy as it sounds, I need to be loved and cherished back. It’s not enough to live together because I love him and he needs somewhere to live, is it?

OP’s posts: |
Takethelongwayhome Thu 07-May-20 10:25:48

Also... sorry I’m on a roll now!.... I feel rubbish. I’m nice, funny, attractive ( on a good day) , generous, a respected medical professional ( now I sound like a twat) , bit overweight but I dress well, great in bed ( unless that’s a fib too) but never ever enough! It’s tough sometimes staying strong. Pity party over.

OP’s posts: |
Dialdownthedrama Thu 07-May-20 10:34:17

But you said 95% of the time he is very loving and attentive and you get on great. This has been the case for over 2 years so I don't think you have a case to say he's been using you for somewhere nice to live. I'd be really pissed off if my partner was suggesting that.

If he wanted to take the piss he could have just married you so he wouldn't be in the position he is now.

thethoughtfox Thu 07-May-20 10:34:33

But if you marry this man who is ' on to a good thing' and doesn't want to marry you, he will have a stake in your house when things go south. Why would you do that to yourself?

Snuggz Thu 07-May-20 10:38:50

@Takethelongwayhome if he is aged circa 55 then he’s had many many years before he ever met you to put funds aside for a pension. Stop putting that burden of blame on yourself.

Why do you want to marry him? You sound financially incompatible and given the 2 biggest reasons for divorce is either due to mismatched sex drives or money, it doesn’t sound like it would be a good bet long term.

baileys6904 Thu 07-May-20 11:14:19

Glad you didn't take my reply the wrong way! It was meant as a different POV. So following that stream, it could actually show you his integrity in that he hasn't just married you when you've asked, despite all the material things you can offer. It would be an easier option for him, after all. Nothing would change for him, except he may then have a claim to the stuff you have worked hard to get, and you'd be happy with a ring on your finger. Instead, he's holding back, making life less secure but more genuine? Perhaps he's actually doing the right thing?
However the plan of action has to be your decision. Only you can know his feelings towards you, or how happy you are. Please don't go for the whole, if he won't marry you, he doesn't care for you thing that you'll get from a lot on here. That's not the case allt he time. Many people have grown up with an intrinsic hate of marriage due to parents dynamics or been heartbroken and refused to marry again etc. I know a few men that are madly in love with their partners, some have kids together etc but refuse to marry again. However they are an ideal partner and absolutely worship their partners and have A better relationship than a lot who are married. Only you know

NoMoreDickheads Thu 07-May-20 13:32:41

When I reminded him about him always asking me to marry him in the first 2 yrs his response was ‘ well, all men do that!’

I don't think all men do that at all unless they mean it. Either way, it's a pretty wankerish thing to do.

Stay strong as he is taking the piss if this is how you feel a relationship should go- in a marriage direction. I felt the same at other times in my life and the bloke pissing around made me feel like a joke. xxx

NoMoreDickheads Thu 07-May-20 13:34:39

it could actually show you his integrity in that he hasn't just married you when you've asked

@baileys6904 But marriage is how he said/agreed it would go. So his behaviour is the opposite of integrity- he lied, and now even claimes he deliberately lied.

NeverCastaClout Thu 07-May-20 17:13:08

This might be after the horse has bolted but what about just charging him significantly more money to live with you? If he wants an arrangement rather than a marriage he'll have to pay fairly towards it. That will disperse some if your bitterness, I'm sure, and it sounds like it'll be cheaper than him moving elsewhere.

What was his reaction to you telling him to leave?

This all sounds like a symptom of something more though, and that is probably the lack of commitment & respect you mention. But if he's paying fairly then you might not feel the resentment towards him.

myangelalex Thu 07-May-20 17:39:03

Can't understand why you want to marry someone who may in 5 years time have some claim on your home?

If you marry anyone, make sure you protect your assets and pension.

He should be paying you a reasonable amount to live with you and a fair share of bills. If not he should be dumped.

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