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How did you find the courage to finally LTB?

(9 Posts)
SpringFlowers2020 Wed 06-May-20 18:17:52

Just wondering how people who struggled to leave finally gained the courage to do so? I feel completely paralysed by an inability to tell him to F off. He's a cheat, a liar and very manipulative but despite that, I just seem to get angry inside but am totally unable to do what I know I should do and kick him out. Definitely low self esteem and a desperation to give my dc the nuclear family I craved during my childhood, as well as desperation for him to love me like I love him (pathetic, I know) but knowing these things doesn't translate into action. I feel completely lost and would really appreciate hearing from those who may have struggled with similar feelings in the past. Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
rvby Wed 06-May-20 18:33:17

It was when I realized that it was possible for me to just not be around someone who didn't like me. That I could just be on my own, and it would be so much better than being stuck in a house with someone whose every action screamed contempt for me.

So - basically - it was when I accepted that being alone was actually less scary than spending the next 60+ years of my life crying, hating myself, and being made to feel small.

I remember the bodily sensation I had when I realized this - I felt like a helium balloon that had just had its string cut - I could suddenly float away. The thing I thought had trapped me (the idea that my marriage simply was not allowed to end) was actually all in my head, and I could just let go and that was it.

It was a feeling of vertigo, terror, sadness, and massive relief all mixed together. It was like escaping a cult.

category12 Wed 06-May-20 19:05:45

I just got to a point where I realised I could cope on my own, (or in fact do better on my own), and I was just so bloody tired of repeating the same pattern, I didn't want to try anymore, I just felt done.

Jamandbreadd Wed 06-May-20 19:56:12

Lockdown - seeing how self centred H was and didn’t pull his weight regarding housework, dd, even just being an adult partner to me..... this has made me undergo a seismic shift towards being able to actually LTB. Before, I felt like I was trapped in my own prison- now I’ve seen that I basically function as a single parent anyway and would possibly be the same or better off without his idiotic spending habits and incessant “needs” (the newest need was going to be us upsizing to a crazy expensive flat because we need more space.. we don’t....)
Good luck and hope that you can have that moment of clarity

takethegirloutofscotland Wed 06-May-20 20:43:15

I'm still trying to find it!! I'm
Paralysed by the fear but I think that the time will come and I'll just have to do it!!

everythingbackbutyou Thu 07-May-20 02:23:47

Same as the previous posters just said. When the thought of staying was just so unbearable that it wasn't an option if I wanted to hold onto the threads of my mental health. Also, the realisation that I owed it to my children even if I couldn't do it for myself. I spent a couple of months planning and being supported by a counsellor who had experience with the dynamics of abusive relationships. Then I picked a day, took a deep breath and made the words come out that I wanted to separate.

everythingbackbutyou Thu 07-May-20 02:24:26

This time last year I didn't dream I would have been able to do it.

Princesscg30 Sat 09-May-20 13:14:17

Just stumbled acrosd this thread.
I'm currently married to an arsehole who, 95% of the time, emotionally abuses me and talks to me like crap. I'm not 100% sure if it's emotional abuse or he's just simply a prick and always will be. I'm not going to go into details on here but I've finally reached the point where I'm so fed up and, quite frankly, sad living with this man. We have been together 13 years this month, 7 years married and we have two children, 5 and 2. I know that deep down i need to leave but i am so scared to make that move. I'm scared that he'll try and take the kids away from me. Whenever we've argued he's told me to get out and leave his kids with him, the usual. His family are very close and are ultimately incredibly suffocating. His mother would do everything in her power for him to get full custody. She can be lovely but she is also very sneaky when she wants to be. His family are working class and mine are middle class. God knows how we got together. We used to be so in love and now i despise him. He has good days where he talks to me like a grown up and is actually relatively nice to be around but most of the time he's intolerable to live with. He makes snide comments about my family's money, how i never had a good upbringing (I'm an only child and my parents worked hard to earn their money. They gave me everything they possibly could, holidays to different countries, where are still are there for me whenever i need them, gave me a good education etc). His childhood consisted of second hand clothes, bootfairs and caravan holidays which he said were better than, in his words "looking at monuments" like apparently i did. I could go on but you get the drift. How do i get the courage to leave?

rvby Sat 09-May-20 16:22:21

@Princesscg30 you won't get many comments because you didnt start your own thread flowers

If you're afraid, what you need is knowledge. I'd recommend calling round to several solicitors to find those that offer a free half hour phone consultation. See what your options are and what is likely. It is almost vanishingly improbable that your children will somehow be taken from you - you've basically got to have nearly murdered them or your spouse for that to be a possibility.

Talk to a solicitor, it will get your head straight in a way you dont anticipate.

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