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(29 Posts)
lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 17:22:45


Ive been married for 3 years and my husband knows I used to be a swinger and had many experiences when single. This included threesomes and moresomes.

He never tried swinging, never had a threesome and he says he is desperate to try, Im happy to do this as I can separate sex and love. But Im not sure he can, also he lacks confidence sometimes when we are making love.

Any advice? Should I just go along with it see what happens?

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AnneKipanki Wed 06-May-20 17:24:15

Well , you have a lot of time to discuss it with him during lockdown.
( I nearly had a typo with "I" )

lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 17:30:36

@AnneKipanki Thats the problem, thats all we have talked about during in lockdown and he has worn me down.

Im not sure he wouldnt get jealous if he saw me enjoying myself with another guy/girl.

He reckons he wont but we all know the reality isnt always what the fantasy is.

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Brownyblonde Wed 06-May-20 17:36:15

Your wise to listen to your instincts. Somethings telling you that he's going to suffer repurcussions. If you're not comfortable with it don't be forced into agreeing to it. Just because you've been sexually adventurous in the past it doesn't mean you don't have the right to say you're only interested in a monogamous relationship with him. If your head says no - don't do it.

AvalancheKit Wed 06-May-20 17:37:52

I think you should make a day of it. Have you tried Groombridge and The Enchanted Forest. Their swings are wide and you can fit several people on, mist of the crowd are friendly.
Not sure what sex has got to do with it though.

lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 17:41:51

@Brownyblonde Im comfortable doing it and know I will be ok with the emotions, as I said I did a lot of swinging. And whilst its been good 1-2-1 for a while, its got a little stake a bout "paint by numbers sex" if you know what i mean.

So it does excite me, but worried for his emotions, I had a boyfriend once I swang with, he couldnt never got over the fact a woman satisfied me more than he did and after he always questioned me about the guys who he watched me with

I think my husband thinks a threesome with another girl will be easy to handle for him but that isnt always the case

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Brownyblonde Wed 06-May-20 17:45:20

Have you explained your worries to him how you have just put them across on here? If you fully express your concerns and you have his consent you may wish to go ahead but I guess you've got to be prepared for the relationship to end if he starts obsessing/becoming paranoid afterwards

lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 17:48:55

@Brownyblonde yes ive explained these worries, he reckons he can handle it. He is obsessing about it now, all he talks about while we are having sex. Ive suggested a same room swap with a couple as a first encounter. He thinks it will be easy for him.

Who knows, but the way he is going on about it, I may aswell just go through with it and see how the cards fall

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Raidblunner Wed 06-May-20 18:15:09

I think you should be careful what you wish for. Have you thought how'd you feel if he prefers her body to yours and enjoys sex with her more? Furthermore hiw will you feel if he wants more from her than you and develops feeling for her? Nothing to lose if your single but you may well lose everything being in a relationship.
What ever floats the boat.

lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 18:19:36

@Raidblunner Ill be ok with him being with other girls or guys as long as its safe play and we are together.

Ive explained the rules about swinging, also if we are meeting a couple even if he falls for one of them, if they are experienced they would understand thats

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Raidblunner Wed 06-May-20 18:31:51

Best of luck, personally I couldn't think of anything worse watching my partner with another. Its certainly a question for the minority of people that swing. Those in the main that don't would probably answer with the same concerns.

lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 18:36:19

@Raidblunner I understand that it isnt the usual thing but as I said im experienced in swinging and the pitfalls, always enjoyed myself whether single or with a partner.

He isnt experienced thats my concern really, thank you for your thoughts tho.

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yesterdaystotalsteps123 Wed 06-May-20 18:36:51

Wearing you down sounds like coercion to me. No is a complete sentence.

Futurenostalgia Wed 06-May-20 18:39:22

I would have thought it would be some time before it’s safe to have sex with random strangers so you have plenty of time to get yours heads round it.

lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 18:39:34

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 the wearing me down comment was more about him going on about it. Id never do anything I didnt want to no matter how much nagging he does.

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lucyblaze Wed 06-May-20 18:47:12

@Futurenostalgia I know it will be a while, I think the lockdown has made it more off a a highlighted sexy fantasy for him, as we have had no other distractions. So his fantasy talk and thoughts have been more intense and present in our sex life.

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itmusthavebeencoffee Wed 06-May-20 19:23:44

Why don't you suggest going to a party together first? Not to participate but just to watch. If he enjoys that then you can step it up next time with a room swap like you suggested.

MinteeFresh Wed 06-May-20 19:32:55

I know nothing about swinging or threesomes as I way too jealous and possessive and have always needed someone's full attention. Too old to change now. But if I was, that is exactly what i would suggest, and would probably be happy to do with my DH - go to a party or whatever the correct term is and just watch and see how he felt. I think I'd be ok having sex with DH only there as well - is that allowed/a thing? Could you start with that and see if the fantasy still appeals as much afterwards?

Obviously I hope none of these events are going on at the moment and I am assuming it will be awhile before it would be safe to go to one. Could you start by watching threesome porn together? Presumably that would have to be comfortable before you did it in RL?

opticaldelusion Wed 06-May-20 19:38:55

Sex people must be so bored right now.

NoMoreDickheads Wed 06-May-20 19:38:59

I've done swinging and stuff and it was fine when I personally went out and did it, but it can make for partners being hard work as they think you should be a go-er, so they nag for stuff.

Im happy to do this

You would be going along with it because he wants it. What you do in one phase of your life doesn't mean you want to do it at other times, as you know.

Thats the problem, thats all we have talked about during in lockdown and he has worn me down.

Ugh. xx Please don't go along with something just because someone has gone on about it all the time. I've had men do that and it doesn't make for an enjoyable experience - or life for that matter, as often they'll keep finding new sexual stuff to nag you for.

You say you wouldn't do anything you didn't want to, but just not not wanting to do a thing doesn't mean you actually are aroused by the idea particularly, if you see what I mean.

the way he is going on about it, I may as well just go through with it

sad sad sad

AnneKipanki Wed 06-May-20 20:20:31

Wearing you down is not good. It sounds like you are not keen .
So , do not go along with it .
You might be better getting this thread moved.

Iamnotsolucky Wed 06-May-20 21:16:36

Can you see yourself in a monogamous relationship with dh for the rest of your life?

If not (and doesn't sound like you do) then best to get on with it and see what happens.

copycopypaste Wed 06-May-20 22:07:55

Can you start off with talking to another couple or person? I had a bf who wanted to do this, we got talking to someone in the first instance, another woman, to get to know each other a little better and we met for coffee before anything happened. It was obvious then that she more interested in me than my bf. I think then reality hit for him and he wasn't as keen. We never did do it as a result of this. I think it was a case of fantasy was a lot better than reality for him. But he needed to take that first step to realise it.

NoMoreDickheads Wed 06-May-20 22:20:55

I had a couple of experiences with couples, and both times the bloke was pissed off that I paid more attention to the woman. grin

Another time a woman a partner and I had a threesome with kind of got too into my partner or something, and was trying to get him to go over to hers etc, and he was too emotionally involved. This when she was my supposed best friend.

All sorts of varieties of drama can happen, and honestly, the sex isn't the best in these scenarios for some reason IMO. Maybe because you're inevitably more into some participants than others.
I bloody hate how men nag for stuff from women in general btw.

Raidblunner Wed 06-May-20 23:31:10

Sounds like a load of old shit to me, we spend our lives doing the best we can to please our partners doing the best we can. I think it's a indulgent road to disaster and misery.

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