Angry husband in Lockdown

[JustBeingMoi]

So yesterday it all kicked off. I've been trying to avoid him due to him shouting at me in front of our daughter for being upset over something.

He was angry with me for not making up with him all day yesterday (I was being perfectly civil, but am frankly fed up of being shouted at, so didn't feel the love funnily enough).

I was in the kitchen heating up a cup of coffee (yet again) and he was annoyed I was in there while he was trying to do something. Barged past me, opened the fridge door on my arm and the shut the door on my elbow a couple of times. I had tried to keep calm, but I have to say I lost my rag at this, to which he told me I had moved into the way to prove a point... I disagreed and he told me to f off or get f**, or some such delight, with our daughter around.

Thankfully he went out into the garden for the rest of the evening, so I could avoid him as I'm just exhausted by this. I have told him I want a divorce, which I don't think he seems to take seriously.

He knew he was in the wrong because he sent a 'will sorry make any difference' message later on in the evening. And 'shall we just put this down to stress'. Although he still says I purposely move in his way. He has accused me of this before when he had barged me and is so persuasive, I start to doubt myself, but I know for a fact I didn't yesterday.

This morning he is now cross with me for not making up enough. Again. I am being civil and polite for the sake of our daughter, but he is accusing me of continuing the argument by not making up properly and saying I will just treat him badly all day and make his day miserable. He is saying everything has to be on my terms, which is just not true.

I'm writing this because my thoughts get so muddled sometimes, and I want to see this clearly, and know and remember that this small snippet of the rubbish that is my life at the moment, is not imagined and not right.

[Jamandbreadd]

Yep my h does the same. Abusive rants and moods and then if I’m not feeling the love next day it’s all on me for “not being able to move on” . I feel like I never get a genuine apology unless I press for one. I’m leaving him too.
Keep logging the incidents, it really is good to see that stuff on paper. you’re not imagining this.

[JustBeingMoi]

And to add to this he has spent all morning f-ing and jeffing to the cats, calling me a Dick. I have also found that he must have broken the washing up bowl last night in a rage. God give reserves of patience and strength I do not have, because I'm going to need them!

[Ilovetheseventies]

Just let it blow over don't give in!!!! Keep aloof he will realise he's been a dick, he will feel sorry. After a few days let the grovelling commence.

[Ilovetheseventies]

As in he grovels you will feel in control.

[JustBeingMoi]

@Ilovetheseventies it's just trying to keep my cool and not escalate the situation in the meantime, especially which he is swearing on front of our child, despite me asking him not to and calling me names. I can feel myself getting cross!

[Spiffingly]

You can mentally divorce him. Start talking about when we finalise the divorce, when your cohabiting can end, when you sort custody etc.
Legalities will have to wait, for a while at least, but you can 100% divorce him in the way you act, speak etc.
He sounds awful.

[MzHz]

Ok, practicalities.

What’s your situation there? Have a job/your own money? Property owned or rented? In whose name(s)?

Did I read right? He repeatedly slammed your arm/elbow with the fridge door?

Any bruising? Photograph it

It may be that you can get help from outside agencies now - ideally he needs to leave you and your daughter in peace

[MitziK]

He's getting physical. You can have him removed for this.

And I'd strongly suggest you do before he goes from barging to lamping you one.

[GreyishDays]

Can you start planning some practicalities around him moving out? What will happen to the house, for example, can you speak to a solicitor to find out whether you are likely to be able to keep the house?

[12345kbm]

OP you have a child being brought up in an abusive household. He's physically and emotionally abusive. Even if your child doesn't witness him slamming doors on your arm, breaking things, angrily swearing etc She'll feel the tense, aggressive atmosphere.

You're being abused. It's going to escalate.

[TheMandalorian]

You are allowed to leave him now. In need to wait for lockdown. Write everything down. Get your finances sorted. Call womens aid for proper advice. Good luck

[JustBeingMoi]

No bruising. House mortgaged in both our names. I work part time in a pretty well paid job. I have looked into what support I might be entitled to. Unfortunately rental are expensive round here. I understand that might be either he moves out to his parents, giving us time to worth the house, or I move into rental and don't pay my part towards the house, but obviously there is a danger of defaulting on the mortgage. Is this right?

For me the obvious solution is the first, but he will not likely be happy about being kicked out of his own house (I know this because I asked him to stay with his parents for a few weeks a couple of months ago, due to escalating name calling and other unpleasantness, he accused me of kicking him out and has held this against me ever since).

I can't go to my parents who are shielding, and there are next to no rentals on the market in my area.

[MoiraRoses]

Op if you are really ready to divorce this bully of a man then just try and remember that no you are not arguing you are just done. Counteract his insistence on making up that you are done.
You can be civil and be just done by it all.
Gather what you need to proceed with a separation from housing and financial information.
You are allowed leave your home during lock down due to a breakdown in relationship and risk of further physical abuse.

[nicelyneurotic]

Dont leave your house. You'll likely be awarded most of it in any divorce settlement as they dont like to remove young children from their home and primary caregiver. He should leave.

I'd also call the police and report the incident.

[MzHz]

I think you need to speak to womans aid, he’s been asked to leave for a short period before and that’s not made any difference in his behaviour or treatment of you, if anything he’s got worse

He does need to go, and as you can’t leave, and he’s the violent one, the police would assist him to do so.

Get your information all together, work out what you’re entitled to in terms of help, speak to WA to find out what options you can take to protect yourself and follow through

He’s only ever going to get more and more violent

They are all the same.

[MzHz]

“They” being abusers.

[12345kbm]

I wouldn't leave the property without getting advice. You can contact Shelter for housing advice or Rights of Women for legal advice (or both).

Make a note of all incidents and keep evidence such as text messages. You can download the Brightsky app which has a journal and allows you to record evidence for example the aggressive swearing.

I am telling you that his behaviour is going to escalate and before you
know it you're going to have a hand around your throat. You need to protect yourself and your child from this man.

Here's the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship - it's for England so if you are in another part of the UK, look for the appropriate advice for that area.

You can contact the Gingerbread Helpline for anything child related.

The Family Law Panel have solicitors who are trained in domestic abuse and a low fee scheme.

Rights of Women can tell you your legal options here.

[12345kbm]

And do not tell him you are making plans to leave. The abuse will escalate.

[JustBeingMoi]

Thank you for everyone's advice it feels like an impossible situation, especially with everything that is going on. Sometimes its nice to know that you aren't going crazy. I have been keeping a diary, however even then I look back and worry if it was all in my head.

[12345kbm]

Does that mean you are going to stay and let the abuse escalate OP?

[JustBeingMoi]

@12345kmb I'm trying to speak to Woman's Aid at the moment. Otherwise, what on earth can I do?

[12345kbm]

I wrote a post for you giving you details and organisations that you can contact for advice and information. Perhaps try contacting them. I'm concerned for your safety OP. You really need to act.

[user1635482648]

Police.

[12345kbm]

If he starts slamming her arm in a door again or becomes physically aggressive, then definitely 999.

She could contact 101 for advice. The police have powers to remove him from the property and stop contact for 48 hours which can be extended to 28 days.

Rights of Women can advise on legal options.

She can also contact the NCDV for an emergency non mol based on the physical violence which is escalating.

[JustBeingMoi]

@12345kbm thank you. I will do that.