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AFFAIR - help, advice needed please!(63 Posts)
Hi, This is my first time posting, and I feel pretty nervous about it.
At the end of December I caught my OH of 3 years cheating. I do his accounts, and caught the same number coming up over & over again on phone bill. About 20-25 calls a day. 2-3 hours. Confronted him, he said they were just speaking and were friends from years ago. (Found out later on that he was lying about that, it was actually a girl he had been sleeping with before me).
3 weeks he kept telling me that nothing more had happened, but I didnt believe him. So I went to the girl and confronted her (who run conveniently) and eventually got the truth. They had been having an affair for 2 & a half years out of our 3 year 'relationship'. The first year it was friends, and for the second year it turned sexual. She was spiteful and told me way more than what I'd asked or needed to hear. Safe to say I kicked him out for the next two months.
We have a 2 year old child together, and I have a 6 year old from a previous relationship, who also classes him as dad.
From a traumatic birth with my son, to him being seriously sick after he was born for the first year of his life. I didnt sleep for more than an hour or two a night for 14 months. I had a couple of traumatic events happen to me in that space of time, that sent my world crashing.
Knowing when I was pregnant, and when all this was happening, he was having an affair with someone else makes me feel sick. I knew after my son was born, I kept asking and asking him if there was someone else because I had a horrible gut feeling. I kept telling him to leave because his attitude and the way he acted towards me was making me feel so unhappy and lonely and I could tell he didnt want me or love me anymore. So I'd tell him to go and be happy. But he always begged to come back. And then come back and continued his affair.
The most horrible thing about all of this? I love him still. Hes lied to me for nearly all of our time together, hes made me feel stupid, hes cheated and jeopardized our family.
Now this hatred has worn off, I'm so confused.
We have been isolating together (agreed it was easier for kids). Weve been getting along really well, actually communicating. Hes been making a real effort to come home from work and spend time with the kids. Hes looking after us. And I can honestly say for the first time since our son was born, we are actually friends. This is all I ever asked him for for the past 2 years!
The middle of January I found out, and since then hes begged to come back (I needed a 2 month breather - probably.would have been longer if this lockdown didnt happen) and hes been the person he used to be.
We had a lot happen in the beginning of our relationship and everything moved so quickly before both of us could catch our breath & hey to know each other properly.
What I am trying to ask I suppose, is there actually a way back from affairs of this calibre? Do people actually move on from them & possibly have a better relationship after? Am I completely stupid for still loving him & thinking there could possibly be a way back for our family?
I know I sound so dumb and probably like an idiot. But I've been through so much in my life and when I met him, I thought I'd found the one and I felt happier than I'd ever been. My daughters father (has no contact - he was a violent man towards me & I kicked him out 5 months after she was born as I wasnt bringing my child up around that) is non existent. She so desperately wanted a dad and when she met my.OH it just clicked for her, she loved him straight away. The past 4 months it's like she has her dad back again, the kids are happy. I was on my own for nearly 3 years after I kicked DD's father out.
Am I being so stupid thinking about giving it a chance again & starting fresh? I want my kids to have a family. I've started to want him all over again. Dont get me wrong, it still tortures me what hes done and I cannot trust him as far as I can throw him.
But being friends with him again finally, has made me want him again.
What an arsehole! To be involved with someone else for 2 1/2 of the 3 years together isn’t just standard infidelity, it’s having a whole separate life that you knew nothing about.
It must be very hard being in isolation with him and he’s trying to show you his best side, but it sounds like he is literally incapable of fidelity at this point, which you and your children deserve.
As for the current situation making you want him again, I would think that’s perfectly normal to an extent, but I think you either need to make him go or distance yourself from him. It’s rough when you think that this warm and loving person has another side to them, but unfortunately you can’t have one side without the other.
He will be impacting your parenting too by making you less able to enjoy your children and be emotionally present for them. You and your children deserve so much better. Hopefully he can continue to be loving towards your children while you focus on parenting them and strengthening yourself. You are worth so very much more, please don’t allow him to treat you like this.
Wishing you lots of clarity and strength.
He cheated on you for 2.5 years of a 3 year relationship He also repeatedly lies to you. No, I don’t think there is any healthy way back from this. Sorry he’s such a shit.
Bottom line: it's your life to do as you please.
This sticks our to me:
Hes lied to me for nearly all of our time together, hes made me feel stupid, hes cheated and jeopardized our family.
Ask yourself what kind of person is truly capable of that and if they are can they ever fully be trusted?
I'm sure it suits him to stay with you, be looked after by you, be tbe family man and not pay maintenance.
But could you ever trust him knowing how he continuously lied to your face and deceived you for years?
I get you want the happy ending, but you need a good, honest man for that. I don't think he is either.
I think you know the answer but you’re desperately hoping that we’ll tell you otherwise. Maybe some will but really, is your bar so low that this is what you’re willing to tolerate from a partner?
It wasn’t even just a one night stand, he committed to this affair for 2 years. That’s staggering. How could you ever trust him again? Your children will learn from you that this behaviour is acceptable. Your OH will also realize he can do it again and get away with it because he’s done it before and you took him back.
Please realize that surely you’re worth more than this.
Your relationship was fake! He was faithful for you for 6 months out of a 3 year relationship- sorry but there’s nothing worth saving. He deceived you for THAT long, during your supposed honeymoon period when he should have been obsessed with you (and you alone)
No, just no.
If I’m understanding the timeline correctly, as soon as he found out you were pregnant, he started his relationship up with her? You’ve been completely mugged off. You can’t trust him
You didn’t want your daughter to see a violent relationship.
Do you want your kids to learn that this is how women should be treated?
Why didn’t he get together with this woman when he left? How do you know the affair isn’t still going on?
Lots of couples survive this OP, and many grow stronger as a result. It will need proper work though; you could get counselling or do a relationship book together.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. That's the beauty of CV/lockdown. Take it a day at a time and enjoy the positive consequences of his infidelity.
Sorry guys, I eventually fell asleep as soon as I got it off my chest!
I agree with your comments, most of them is exactly what I think in my head. However unfortunately what the head & heart says are different things sometimes. I just wanted to know really that this is normal to start feeling this way once the anger subsides?
Also I don't think I made it clear enough. They were friends before, and it was just speaking until 2019, when it turned sexual for a few months. They did it a few times and agreed they couldn't do it anymore so went back to just talking. This was about 8 months before I found out.
It's the lying to my face that gets to me! Not so much the cheating.
Theres a lot of things I cant understand, that I dont think I ever will. He had numerous chances were I told him to go, so he could have gone and been with her. I think it was just a purely selfish reason. We had a lot going on, and she was his escape from the real world - because being childish, he can't deal with it.
I'm happy just being friends with him again (nothing else is happening so he isnt gaining from it). Its nice to have that back.
It's been 4 months time and I'm just seeing how I'm feeling and going with the flow. I'm just not making any snap decisions. I'm quite a laid back person, and would rather spend another few months seeing how it goes then look back in years time & keep asking myself what if? What if we could have been better, would if the kids could have a family together, what if he could have changed etc. A few months out of my life isnt much to waste seeing as hes wasted so much already
On a serious note though, thanks for taking the time to respond x
You can take him back but he will do it again..: it’s just a matter of time.
I think it's unfair to say that being in an abusive relationship is the same as one with infidelity.
My DD & I were unsafe to be around him. He wasnt hurting her but I damn sure werent letting it get that way as his behaviour wasnt getting any better.
My kids know nothing of his infidelity. I would never ever tell them. Why on earth would I taint their father in their innocent eyes.
Believe me, I give second chances. Not a third fourth fifth etc.
I'm not thinking about him doing it again. We are just friends again, we are communicating. I'm grateful for the lockdown and being stuck together. Instead of being angry & bitter about it all, its pushed me to work through it. Deal with the problems & the issues and communicate about them. If we never get back together because I can't trust him. At least I know we are friends again for the kids. And we haven't got to feel uncomfortable in the same room together - as we have worked through the bitterness.
Hes wrote down all his passwords, everything I would need to know if I wanted to, without me asking. But I dont feel the need to as I'm not thinking about the past or a future relationship with him. I've just been concentrating on building a solid foundation for the kids sake without any anger/resentment.
The post was not about getting back with him. But is it normal to feel like you want the person again after the initial shock & anger goes away. And if anyone has had any
You need some self respect.
OP, I think this is a tough one - but you know in your heart that it will not work I think? Good Luck and best wishes for your future as a strong independent woman without that turd 🙌🏻🙌🏻
Very sensible op. Unless you are happy alone...why swap this guy, yes, with indiscretions, but with all his positives too, for the next (& next & next) unknown? Do what's right for you and your children. As you say, men can be childish and easily flattered and swept up in something before they realise they are thinking with their penis. Not an excuse but we all make mistakes.
I know I may sound silly and I may be silly to still have feelings but in no way do I lack self respect. I have not jumped straight back with him. He was out of the home for two months whilst I processed it all & got over the initial shock. Now we are isolating together for the sake of the children & to help me out as he was living with his parents when I made him leave (which is quite some distance away). I am working through the issues with him & communicating & learning to be around him again. Which was primarily so we can learn to be friends again for the sake of the children. And as the again has subsided, I've realised there are still feelings there for him. I was looking for some help and advice.
I fully respect everyone has the right to their own opinion (which is what I wanted - different opinions and experiences). However, in no way shape or form do I lack self respect.
Please just let me add. Although it still hurts me, I know my strength. My kids are not seeing me suffer. I've been through so much, that by this point, this is just a drop in the ocean. I just wasnt expecting to have feelings at the end of it? I werent expecting to ever enjoy his company again or actually want him around?
I have no doubt of my strength. (Silly yes but not strength). I kicked my violent ex arse to the curb - on my own. I dealt with his harassment for the next few years - on my own. I built a life for me & my DD, worked two jobs, put a roof over our heads and paid our own bills for nearly 3 years- on my own. I have no doubt I could walk away (like I did initially) build a life for me & my children again and be happy again on my own. The problem is I live my life by having no regrets and no what if's. And suddenly wanting him again has through a curve ball into the mix. Not a wanting him like I couldn't be without him or I need him. But a damn were having fun, were talking, the kids are so much happier now he is back - could this work. It was a thought
If you stay with him you will never know if he's being faithful. Having the type of relationship you describe for 2 and 1/2 years out of your 3 year relationship shows he has got very good at covering/lying. Whilst it may seem like it's working in these strange circumstances of being locked in together we will go back to the real world. Personally I'd protect myself from future hurt and pain because you'll always wonder what he's up to and that's no basis for a relationship.
I think you have to be realistic about what you feel for him. The most important thing that you need to develop is a co parenting arrangement. Not a friendship where you have feelings (stated in your posts) that are romantic and resentful. Nor a friendship where you check his phone to see if he has another girlfriend. If you are not together he will eventually. How do you feel about that and what will it mean for your daughter who thinks he is her dad?
It’s impossible to process something like this in 2-3 months. Even less so for your children. Take a long step back from lockdown life and think about how you will be a single mother, a co parent and then a friend.
I think it's sad that you pushed this man into the role of 'daddy' for your little girl so soon. Clearly this man wasn't ready for that due to his actions.
Self respect & boundaries is what you need to work on OP. Not much of a helpful comment from myself I'm afraid.
I think it's unfair to say that being in an abusive relationship is the same as one with infidelity.
Infidelity IS abuse. Have you both been tested for STDs since he ‘ended’ his affair?
You don’t have to actually tell your kids their father is a cheat. They will see your behaviour. Your stress when he stays out late. Your anxiety when he’s on his phone and you don’t know who he’s texting. Your arguments, the tension.
And that is BEST case scenario.
You really want your kids around that?
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