Baby's dad

[Delbelleber]

Since I got pregnant I've been telling my baby's dad he needs to get his temper under control. He flies off that handle shouting and sometimes being threatening, particularly with me and his mum but not his friends. I told him he needs to change to be part of his babies life, stop shouting, get counceling, take meds, whatever it takes. He spent months sending me abusive emails and blaming me for the way he is blah blah blah. He also lied about going for counceling. He then started meds from the doctor and he said he had changed. I missed him(wtf I know) and we started meeting up for a walk now and again. Then a couple of weeks ago he had a physical fight with his dad and came to my house to escape. I didn't really want him here. He was in my space and I'm heavily pregnant. I kept making suggestions about him going home or finding somewhere else to stay. We weren't getting along very well at all and he was only here 2 nights from Sat to Mon morning. On Mon morning he blew up at me shouting at me. I called the police and they took him back to his own house.
He's since messaged me a few times and I've not replied, he's also messaged my mum. He knows I'm due to have my c section soon and he wants to be at the birth. I've said no. I don't want anything to do with him. I don't feel my baby would be in a good environment with him around. But he desperately wants to be a dad and it's tearing me up because my feelings are so conflicted. I don't want him shouting in front of the baby and for that reason I want to stop all contact. He desperately wants to be a dad so I feel I have to give him a chance. And 3rdly what if my baby grows up without his dad then at some point wants to see him and his dad pulls the wools over his eyes and makes him think he is this cool person and I've stopped them having a relationship. I also feel bad that my baby would miss a relationship with loving grandparents on his side but they are his parents and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Even my own mum seems to feel sorry for baby's dad and that really pisses me off because she knows what he's like with his temper. My midwife and the police officer that took him away don't think he is ready to be a dad and said I shouldn't put him on the birth certificate.
Am I doing the right thing to cut him out our lives or does he deserve ANOTHER chance?

[CodenameVillanelle]

Cut him out. You and your baby don't need that in your lives.

[FizzyGreenWater]

But he desperately wants to be a dad

He doesn't.

He just doesn't want to have no say in something that is 'big'. 'This is my business too! How dare you take control of it and cut me out'.

He will be a horrific 'dad'. And as soon as the baby is here, and half his, that will be his cue to use it to force his way into bossing you around. 'It's MY baby too' 'I get an equal say.'

Keep every abusive text.
Totally block him, don't tell him when you have the baby until a decent while later.
Tell him that if he wants contact, he will have to do it through a solicitor from day one, contact centre, schedule etc.
Make it 100% clear that you're doing this because he is violent and abusive and you have no intention of allowing him near your child without supervision and under the eye of the authorities.
Make it also VERY clear that you will personally have no contact with him. (This is useful as there's a 95% chance that this will flush out his motives - he is unlikely to actually be interested in the baby, much less having time with the baby where he's expected to show up somewhere and put in effort - no, what he wants is to use the baby as a vehicle for still having tabs on you, still having the right to get into your home, boss you around, get in your house and pass comment, oh and yes see the baby and get to puff his chest up a bit about it but not actually lift one little finger to get involved in any care - that'll be YOUR job, and boy will he comment if he thinks you're not doing it his way/fast enough/ with enough consideration for His Nibs The Father).

Needless to say don't even discuss names and give the baby your surname.

[Windyatthebeach]

He wants to use your baby as a stick to beat you with.
That's all.
Police witness dv daily. They attend when viictims are removed in body bags.
Do not give your baby his surname. Do not allow him at the birth. Do not put him on bc.
My dd didn't see her df. She does not hold it against me or see him.
Get rid of him before your baby arrives.

[Delbelleber]

Thank you so much for your fresh perspective. I know everything you say is right and it's so good to hear it. I'm making the right decision for my baby.

[PumpkinP]

Well if you carry on like this social services will be getting involved.

[Delbelleber]

Feeling really down now. I stupidly text him, let out some frustrations of hate. All I've done is lead myself in to a depression. Now I'm worried I'm not going to bond with the baby properly.