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Stuck in a no-sex rut, and other issues

(3 Posts)
Faquenaut Tue 05-May-20 11:58:52

I'll try to keep this short and direct, but I'm struggling a lot with a prolonged lack of sexual intimacy within my long-term relationship, which has been going on about 5 or so years now.

This is always a sensitive subject in any relationship, but even more so for us because the root cause of our lack of sex life is because my partner has been suffering with a long-term medical condition that has made anything of that nature very difficult, both mentally and physically for him.

It's also the reason why our plans to start a family have been put on hold for so long.

In recent times, he's had a bit of a breakthrough on receiving treatment for his condition, which has markedly improved his health and we've been chatting more about starting a family. But that's all it is - chat.

I've discussed with him, whether or not he feels better enough in himself to restart our sex life, and he seems generally keen, but he never initiates anything. And I've tried, but I think I'm out of practice, there's a strong fear of rejection (after years of being told no) and I just don't feel like I know what I'm doing anymore.

In the meantime, though, I know he's been using porn (so he's definitely gam and chatting to some lovely ladies on OnlyFans who seem incapable of keeping their clothes on. He does it when we're in bed together, and he thinks I'm asleep, but he lays on his side and I can see his phone from over his shoulder.

I know that gives me the right to call him out on it, because it's in plain sight, but I'm feeling so ground down and worthless right now, I'm not really sure I have the strength to do so.

What should I do?

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-May-20 14:19:07

Why are you with him?
Be really honest with yourself when answering?
Are you feeling sorry for him?
Is this 'pity'??
If so then this is never going to work.
How long has it been since you last had sex?
How old are you?
You did not sign up for this life so why are you flogging this dead horse?
Please put yourself first now.
You get one shot a life.
And this is not the life you should be leading.
You know that. He knows that.
Stop being so nice!
Time to find some happiness.
Lack of sex or intimacy knocks your self-esteem to the floor.
And it won't recover while you are with this guy.
YOU CANNOT FIX HIM!!!!
Sorry, but you can't!
Leave him to the professionals and get out there and enjoy your life!

12345kbm Tue 05-May-20 15:07:40

OP this sounds heartbreaking and just awful. Five years of no intimacy and rejection.

You've put your desire for children on hold, gone without sex or any affection and he's been badgering the witness without a care for your needs or feelings.

It doesn't matter that there's been a breakthrough at all. I would look into getting out of the relationship while still fertile and find someone who actually gives a stuff about you as he clearly doesn't.

Your self esteem will have taken a battering so please get some counselling as you sound so dejected.

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